The magician behind me

Anais Nin wrote, "I feel that from the very beginning life played a terrible conjurer's trick on me.  I lost faith in it.  It seems to me that every moment now it is playing tricks on me.  So that when I hear love I am not sure it is love, and when I hear gaiety I am not sure it is gaiety, and when I have eaten and loved and I am all warm from wine I am not sure it is wither love or food or wine, but a strange trick being played on me, an illusion, slippery and baffling and malicious, and a magician hangs behind me watching the ecstasy I feel at the things which happen so that I know deep down it is all fluid and escaping and may vanish at any moment.  Don't forget to write me a letter and tell me I was here, and I saw you and loved you and ate with you.  It is all so evanescent and I love it so much; I love it as you love the change in the days."


* * *

Something other.

I hear this statement quite a lot:  "I don't know if it's the orthodox way, but it's my way, and it works for me so I use it."  This comes from submissives who aren't sure if they are submitting "the right way," as well as dominants who declare that they follow nobody's rules but their own.  Naturally,  I would expect a dom to make his own rules, to do things his own way. That is how one cultivates one's environment, right?  One makes one's own rules, and one keeps to one's own code, and thus may a dom be rightly considered a dom(me).  And that dom will attract a certain kind of submissive following, one who respects this way of thinking.  That dom will not dom every person into submission without question -- haha! -- but rather, that dom will attract the like-minded into his circle and will, subsequently, experience the gift of some right-fitting submission when circumstances are appropriate.

This yields two things in my mind which I want to write down.

1)  A submissive personality is equally entitled to submit "her own way."  (Or his own way, of course; there are male submissives and I do not mean to alienate, but it's my submission I'm really talking about and I'm a "she" so subs are "she" in my mind for this blog.)  There is no "right way" to submit, just as there is no "right way" to dominate.  A person may submit only in the bedroom, or in all ways on all days, or to one person only or to a whole house of people.... there are so many variables and no submissive is any less or more acquiescent and obliging than the other.  Most importantly, it has been my experience that a sub can submit a whole lot more easily when she can respect the dominant.  Respect totally, wholly.  And respect comes with time and demonstration and patience etc... Not sex.  But it also comes from a demonstrated code, and that brings me to point number 2.

2)  A code of ethics is something that does not change from situation to situation.  Someone who adjusts one's conscience to suit the occasion does not abide by a code.  A variable ethical guide is, by definition, no ethical guide at all.  And actually it is one trait of mental instability to reject or refuse or resist a code of ethics.  A free-spirit is never to be tamed, of course: this is not what I am suggesting.  Rather, a mature spirit enjoys mature behaviour and takes comfort (and gives comfort) in the reliability of an established code that suggests ethics (morality, mutual benefit, the needs of the many and not just of the self) are not a chore.  

So on the one hand, I applaud those who say, "I will do this my own way," and on the other hand, while I applaud, I respect those who -- while doing it their own way -- adhere to a consistent code of morality and ethics that governs their behaviour in any situation that may present itself.  Take for example:  "I do not eat animals," to me, means "Ever, no matter the species, and no matter the expectation, no matter the day of week and no matter my own hunger -- for I do not believe I have any right higher than a beast to survive at the beast's expense, and that does not change.  Period."

If I am at a birthday party and someone says, "You must try this lambchop," that person can expect a "No thank you," because I do not change my value situationally.

If a dom says to me, "You should try this lambchop," then I would say, "No thank you."

If a dying woman says to me, "It is my final wish on this Earth that you should try this lambchop," then I would say, "No thank you."

I suppose what I mean is that there is a moral code by which I live which no man or woman, whether dom or parent or sub or sibling, can demolish (or, at least, so far so good!)  My submission does not mean that I violate any of my personal mores.  There is no test of obedience so important to me that I would sacrifice one of my values, no dominant so callous in my circle who would require such a horrible test.  "Foul times require foul tests," goes the saying, but my response is "No thank you."

My obedience comes from a profound respect for someone who abides by his own code and who does not waver from it.  The magician behind me laughs and throws more obstacles into my path, just to see if I have the courage of my conviction.  And I laugh in return.

The Dictionary, Page Fourteen

Claiming, for the fourteenth word in my dictionary of submission, is one of those words that necessarily involves two people.  Words like "discipline" or "chastity" or "service" do not necessarily require someone other than me to be in the room.  I may perform these words in solitude as part of my lifestyle.  But, the act of claiming -- this is an act that requires two people:  the one who declares and the one who is now possessed.

To celebrate, I sport Lola's Tangos in their two-fold enormity, nearly breaking my back from how pendulous and full they feel.  (They are as large as my head, and they could be larger still if I choose!  Unreal.)  The large-breasted phenomenon that sweeps through Second Life right now is hilarious to me.  But I digress.

I remember the anticlimactic declaration of an RP official who said that, after long and arduous negotiation so many years ago, Tasdron could indeed claim me and I could now officially consider myself his.  I remember the ceremony of the brand that almost could not be, all because of more RP shenanigans.  I remember the "going home" with him and the special rituals, the idea of ritual that would come to characterize the flavour of our interaction henceforth.  I remember, outside of RP, a companionship ceremony that we conducted for ourselves in the privacy of his own land, under a flowering tree at the mouth of a cave.  And another, in the dark, as we stood upon stones in a sparring arena, equals in each other's gaze.   I remember a long, long absence ended by a sudden return, and Tasdron reclaimed me in a house I kept just in case of such an incident.  And then a long, long absence after which the bell tower came into sight.

Once, I wrote that it mattered not whether "he knew" I submitted to him.  The very fact of my submission was in my mind, after all, and even if he had no idea, I could submit to my own heart's content and behave in such a way that demonstrated my submission -- whether or not he accepted it.  In this way, it is similar to O in the Chateau:  the men try and try to enslave her, but she repeatedly declares her submission to their will.  It doesn't matter what others think, in other words: my own demonstration and my own behaviour define me.  Just as O is submissive and not a slave by her very declaration of submission, so am I, even in my own mind, even during the vast emptiness between "claimings."

But, when the time comes for him to make his claim, then something even more meaningful happens.  I am not just me alone in my own imagination: I am now me, alive and real, in his also.  And his mastery is not my imagination: it becomes more and more real just as my submission becomes more and more dynamic.  That declaration -- like a wedding vow or a sworn vendetta -- is one of the few remaining utterances with the power to change a person's state.  So few words remain in language that will physically and permanently alter a person's state:  "I submit," and conversely, "I claim you" are words that hold such power -- almost as magic transformation.

I now return to my svelte and lean silhouette, putting the tangos away.  (The sexually-charged world astonishes me, honestly.  Sex sex sex.  Tango tango tango.)

The Dictionary, Page Thirteen

Surrender, it says.  And so I do.

"Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly," so the song goes.  One must be who one was born to be, and there is no point trying to be anyone else.

There is a lesson I have been learning for the past few months and it has everything to do with "selving" and personal identity.  About carving a separate self from my creators and about feeling free to be a separate self from my creators.  This is a difficult process if one comes from creators so heavily invested in their creation that a separate self has never been possible.  It is a painful process, separating oneself and becoming oneself.

But, nothing ever changes unless there's some pain.

I surrender my path to the evolution of my self, the natural creature who crawls and claws from the wreckage of birth into the realm of chaos.  "I want to be subject to chaos," Tasdron once said to me, years ago, as he lured me from the comfortable confines of one universe into the unpredictable paradise of another.

The metamorphosis feels real, now.  It is not a change: it is a changing into.  I am more than wings: I am ripples.  The sine and cosine of waves, up and down, to and fro.  The rippled image distorts and then clarifies after the drop of pebble into pond: though the image waves, it does not fragment.  And, eventually, the image becomes again itself.

I see things visually.  I see a pebble thrown into a pond, and my reflection eventually returns.

When I lamented the feelings of vanilla chastity, wondering where my "subbie" self had gone, I did not realize until today that it was simply a pebble thrown into water that had distorted the image of myself.  Life rocks my boat, sometimes.  Life is unpleasant, sometimes.  But, my real self I look upon, and my real self remains real; and after the water stills again, the image will be clear.  It only appears as though my image is not me, for a time.  And for a time, it will strive to get back to reality.  And for a time, until the next pebble is thrown, I will be and see the real me, at once.

I surrender to this, the changing of time.  I need not surrender my submissive self; I need only shield her and protect her and keep her warm for the time when she will be, again, called upon to serve.

The Dictionary, Page Three

Connection is the next page of the dictionary of words that inform my submission to Tasdron Dryke.  Connection is oxygen.  Only connect, and you can have whatever you want.  Only connect, and you unleash the power of another person to work wholly in your service.  Only connect, and you understand all that has happened before, all that happens now, and all that is still yet to happen.  Only connect, and the meaningful life is yours.

Things happened yesterday.

The things that happened yesterday connect to tomorrows that have not yet happened.  Like chain links.

Yesterday was a continuation of Thursday.  Thursday and Friday were two halves of the same scene, one inside and one outside.  One horizontal and one vertical.  How do I feel?  I could not have predicted any of it;  I could not have foreseen;  I could not have anticipated.  And it doesn't matter because I was enough, and how I feel about that is elated.  I was equal to your needs, I was equal to your requirements, and I, just by being me, was enough.  That feels more than good, God of all things beautiful and charged.  I'm not sure there is a word for how that feels.  Feeling as though I am enough, just for being me.

Yesterday, the bubble of intimacy closed around us.  My instant messages were turned off and my voice-mic occupied.  The bubble of intimacy closed around us and my focus was proven, my devotion demonstrated.  The bubble of intimacy is more important to me than even my own skin, and it feels (to me) that when IT is protected, I am protected.  When IT is dominated, I am dominated.  When IT has your lock and key upon it, I do.  I wish only that there were more means of access to me now so that I could offer them to you for closing and sealing.  My instant messages remain off, and my intimacy is connected now to one man's power.  Connected and controlled.  I feel a charge of thrilled excitement just thinking about it, and it makes me feel more than good whenever I do think about it.

This is what security feels like.  This is what I want.  I beg, more.

Beginnings Are Precious

I was asked to write something on the idea of the online world of Gor in Second Life as a way to learn about submission.  This idea is interesting to me because that is, in fact, how I began, five years ago -- entering the world of dominance and submission via "safe, sane, consensual" Gorean role-play.  There are so many good things about this, and also so many things that require caution and care.  To be clear, I am talking about entering Gor (or any role-play fantasy) as a way of learning about submission:  to talk about exploring feelings that one has already cultivated is another conversation altogether.  Here, I'm more concerned about the brand-new.  The uninitiated.  The absolute beginner, as I was.

The first thing I have to say is, beginnings are precious.  I get this idea from Frank Herbert's novel, Dune.  "A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that the balances are correct." Beginnings are precious: if one upsets the journey in the beginning, it is a terrible shame when such great potential is wasted and abandoned.  What can upset the balance:  the inexperienced can fall prey to the sinister-minded resulting in a terrible abuse; or, the inexperienced can fall prey to a particular group that doesn't meet her desires but instead forces her to meet theirs, convincing her that "this is submission" because they say so.  Beginnings are precious: the absolute beginner is at the mercy of those who have walked the path before, and it's the luck of the draw whether the absolute beginner meets a kind person first or meets the big bad wolf first.  I was lucky -- I am just a lucky person, I suppose -- and I met the awesome.

The second thing I have to say is, not everybody enters the role-play fantasy worlds with the same purpose and intention.  A large percentage of the population of online Gor comes to play for the battle and rescue, and they are not experienced Masters or teachers beyond the obvious gender-allowances that dictate "This is Gor, and I am male, therefore you will obey me."  Because, the fundamental premise of Gor is a gender-based submission:  females are inferior in strength, in intelligence, and in social standing to men in Gor.  With that inferiority comes a "natural" submission and slavery -- and here is one reason why so many people equate submission with weakness, incidentally.  It is a Gorean idea, not an Earth one.  (And, it is offensive to my soul, in many ways, so I ignore it.)  So, to come into Gor with the intent of learning about submission, the first and fundamental premise of Gorean submission is one that many people are simply going to reject from the get-go.

The third thing I have to say is, there is no shortage of online gaming communities that trade on the dominance and submission architecture -- vampire sims, Story of O and Beauty sims, medieval sims, drug addict apocalyptic nihilistic sims, pirates and mermaids and nude-bars galore, nevermind the "regular" BDSM clubs one can join.  Each one has a very specific kind of play on offer, and so an absolute beginner (if she wants to learn about submission) is going to get a narrow and highly-specialized education if she leaps in to one of these communities before doing a little bit of research.  For example, Gor and the Story of O both trade in sado-masochistic disciplining and humiliation of the submissive/slave.  This is not "submission" writ large:  this is one very specialized kink that is often mistaken for "all submission."  When one mistakes the part for the whole, one may upset the balance of the beginning and, well, run like mad from the idea forever after.

Not all submissives are sexual deviants, it is important to remember.  Not all submissives want to be humiliated, or whipped, or chained or sat on or burned or waxed or whatever it is that people's kinks explore.  And, so, to learn about submission in a highly-eroticised and kinked-out fantasy world, a person might just get the wrong idea if these kinks are not what she had in mind from the beginning.  (Granted, she may get a terrific education and have some doors opened to her about stuff she never realized was really sexy, before.  That, too, happened with me.  I would not understand my love of ropes if not for my early grooming by my lucky find.)

The fact that I can -- in this blog and in my photography --  eroticise the idea of ropes, chains, and enslavement as part of my fantasy world of submission leads me to my final point on the matter:  a person needs to be able to tell the difference between fantasy and reality.  In my fantasies, I am a slave.  In my reality, I am a submissive.  I love that in my reality, I have free will and the ability to choose for myself when I need to.  I love that I do not have to ask permission to do anything, and that I am free to use my strength and power for what needs doing, all in the service of my very special husband. And, in my fantasy, sometimes I imagine the world of Pauline Reage's Story of O.  Sometimes I imagine the world of John Norman's Gor.  But these are fantasies and I would never wish that reality upon anybody, 24/7.  If, in reality, a woman was deemed weaker, and was naturally expected to obey, and was forced into sado-masochistic sexual practice whether she liked it or not as proof of her submission, oy vey.  I would have to change the world, in that case.   The world would need changing.

Beginnings are precious.  In the beginning, a new exploratory submissive woman does not have the wherewithal and experience to make these distinguishing analyses.  And that makes her vulnerable.  Beginnings are precious, because beginnings are vulnerable.  The new submissive cannot say with any confidence what the difference is between a slave and a submissive person.  She cannot always tell what is spoken "in character" and what is spoken "out of character" in roleplay situations.  Therefore, to wander into Gor and expect to learn about submission is, I think, a dangerous idea.  Sometimes it can work -- but it is not as safe a bet as wandering into the Journey sim and talking to a mentor.

Mastering the Light

Once upon a time, I wandered into the darkness, seeking.  Then, things happened.  Then, I learned something.  Now, I come out of the darkness and back into the light, having learned something.  I breathe the fresh air, and I look around at the blue sky.

I'm not finished my learning; not at all.

I'm looking from a different angle, though.  I thought it was darkness that compelled me through the woods.  I realize now, though, that things have changed and I am better able to articulate what I need -- and articulate to the proper people.  It's not darkness I need: it's mastery of the light.

Just like in photography: the trick to a good photo is the use of light.  The trick to an interesting subject, one that compels us to look and understand, is the story.  What is she doing, where has she come from, and where is she going?  The present, the past, and the future of a story.  Only connect.

And as such, as I begin my mastery of the light, I celebrate one very important revelation.  It's a thread that has spun round me for a few months now and finally terminates in a pretty bow laced to my frilly blouse-collar:  are you sure what you're looking for is a D/s dynamic, he had asked?  It's an honest question.  The question arose because I was resistant to many things one traditionally associates with BDSM, namely the wide array of kinks on offer.  They simply do not turn me on.  Are you sure, came the question.  Of course! was my reply.  But that thread still hung loosely, nagging me.

And then it occurred to me.  Eureka! I do not need kinks to enjoy submission.  I may, actually, enjoy submission for the sake of submission.  It may very well be that I simply enjoy submission; the power exchange; without necessarily needing to bring a chicken, a crop, a deck of cards, and a blindfold into the room at the same time.  (Note well:  I am not only kink-tolerant, I am kink-encouraging!  I think people should have fun and do what they love to do.  I do not disparage "kink."  I simply think that kink is for others.  Or, well.  Usually.)

People may enjoy the delights of kink even in a non-D/s dynamic.  One does not have to be submissive to enjoy the unique sensation of a drop of wax on one's inner wrist.  One does not have to be submissive to enjoy the feeling of clamps, stamps, needles or blades, pins, fins, broomsticks and spades.  One may enjoy these things all on one's own, or with a friend, or with a lover, with an equal, or with a stranger... there are many ways one may enjoy a kink without actually submitting to an exchange of power in the process.

Plain and simple: I am not a kinky submissive.  There are times (naturally) when fantasies arise and these fantasies do not resemble my daily routine in the least.  (I do not live in a Chateau or own a posture collar in my real world; and so these things are delicious in fantasy play.)  But I have discovered that these fantasies arise less and less frequently as I engage more and more fully with my present.  My every-day.  My heart and soul and hearth.  The LIGHT in my life.  As I begin to embrace what is lightness in my world, the darkness recedes into the distance.  It may not be such a difficult transition into the real world, after all.

Shame, Part Two

"Kink shame" and "shame as kink" are two different things.  Some people are ashamed of their kinks; and some are turned on as a kink by the idea of shame.

I spent a great deal of my second life (the first time around) dead-ashamed of my kinks.  (I mean, the "G" word.  My first BDSM fantasies were, counter-intuitively, Gorean.  And I'd never even heard of Gor before Second Life, so this was quite an awakening.)  I was not ashamed to live my fantasies of sexual slavery and participate actively -- only ashamed to associate my fantasy self with my real self and to introduce both selves to each other.  Often, it is shame that prevents many people from integrating their first and second lives: the feelings of shame lead to this behaviour of dividing (sometimes with a violence) the two lives.  In extreme cases, it is this shame that prevents the real self from meeting the fantasy self.  Living in the closet is a painful experience: one divides the self and it doesn't feel very good.  I am sure this theory applies to more than just "kink" and Second Life.  I am sure the idea of living in the closet is more common than society would be comfortable admitting.

In my series of interviews around "shame" I met many people who keep a careful array of closets.  Closets for reasons of gender, for reasons of sexual orientation, for reasons of shame and kinks... there are many reasons a person will hide part of oneself from the rest of the world.

I know that in my case, I have struggled in the past with asserting a confident sense of self.  Second Life has really helped me achieve a better (and loveable) sense of self.  I feel more confident saying to people "I need this."  I feel more confident saying to people, "I will not tolerate this."  I know the difference between fantasy and reality: and I know that I do not want one to become the other, but I would like both to have their own special places in my life.  This took quite a bit of time to articulate, finally.  Naturally, I wish that I could go back to the beginning knowing then what I know now.  Knowing that there is no shame (objectively) to wanting and desiring.  Knowing that I have a valid, loveable self that can play nice and contribute fun things.  Knowing that when someone acts like an ass, it's not because of something I did but, rather, that person is quite separately an ass regardless of me.

I'm over my kink-shame in much the same way that I am over my "invalid self" feelings.  I know I have a lot of people to thank for this.  I'm grateful for each and every one of them.

How good it is to know YOU

A week's absence has not been a week idle.  As I sort through the change in my real life, I also watch as my Second Life's learnings fall into place more clearly.  And because of You, Master, I know how connected the two are; and because of You, Master, I know how connected we all are.  Because of You, Master, I know the source of joy, and also I know the source of anger (and how easily you found them, how soon into knowing You).  I also happen to know, and this is my own learning, that joy is stronger.  Joy is power.  And because of You, Master, I know that power flickers, sometimes, even with the best of intentions: power is precious, power is renewable (if we take the time to renew it), and power shouldn't be taken for granted.  Sometimes even the most reliable  'on'  button is going to need a little help.  And that is what we are here for; that relating, that strengthening, that harnessing of power to feel that joy.  Master, submissive, top and bottom, or equal friends, there is joy to have in the world, however you find it.  Master, it is so good to know You.  And I'm pretty excited about the hidden 'me' I am getting to know because of You.

Jealousy, The Assignment, isn't going away.  In fact, it's gaining momentum.  This (above) is one of the pictures I took for my submission on jealousy, and I'm going to do something here that I should have done more clearly before: I'm going to explain in my own words why this is a picture (one of many pictures) of jealousy.  To me.  As an artist, I can see the actual art. I have to.  It's how I come up with the story.  But as a viewer, I do not spend much time analyzing the view.  And so I am going to do that here.

"Is this what I have to do to make you look at me more than you look at her?"  This is a woman who knows her partner's gaze wanders to another woman.  She feels jealous of her partner, therefore, and she begins to exhibit jealous behaviour.  The jealous behaviour:  trying to be someone else, trying to be someone she is not, trying to be like that other woman.  She part-reveals her body in a semi-sexual way.  The tentative behaviour is, therefore, revealed with this part-this and half-that.  Her eyes are shaded darkly; we cannot see the real eyes of her.  She herself probably does not want to see, either, clearly; she is ashamed of the behaviour she has reduced herself to.  There is nowhere to hide in this picture, so her hands are awkwardly placed.  A little bit shy for the face; a little bit shy for her arousal; and altogether attention-seeking, though it  might be negative attention.  Ultimately, it is a picture that frustrates a GENUINE sense of self.  And that is what I believe -- or, ONE of the points that I believe -- defines jealousy.  Jealousy frustrates a genuine sense of self.  Jealousy forbids a genuine sense of self - and the reverse is true: those without a clear sense of self are subject to jealous feelings and jealous behaviour.  Jealousy focuses too much on the 'other' rather than reassuring the 'self' that the self is still whole.  Jealousy focuses too much on 'him' or too much on the 'her' that he is looking at.  Jealousy removes the focus from the very precious power (power that I have recently felt, power that is golden, power in the belly of the woman who loves) -- this very precious power that we must never take for granted.  It is golden, this power.  There is joy, there.

Self-Esteem from Achievement

It's tricky separating self-esteem from approval-seeking, but I'm working on it.  I know that one difference consists of the motivation through which I do things.  I have a gallery of my photography on display right now at the Journey sim, the opening for which taking place on Tuesday June 12.  My mentor said to put it out, and so I did.  The main feature is the artwork depicting my mentor's submission: there is a picture in that collection that makes me tremendously proud for having achieved it.  Art for art's sake, is the point there: I didn't do it for anybody else, this one particular picture.  I just let my mind and skill loose on the artwork to see what would happen; experimenting and teasing out the final result.  I did it for me.  So often I catch myself thinking, "so and so will enjoy this when it's finished..." or "such and such a group will get a kick out of this..." and I think those are the nascent thoughts of approval-seeking to a certain degree.  Only to a certain degree.  But when I am occupied in deep concentration, working at a particular piece, and I say to myself, "good job" then I know that it is my own achievement, and my own self-esteem talking.  And then, when so and so ALSO happens to say "good job," my self-esteem sky-rockets.  It is not approval that I sought.  It was spontaneous praise, and I feel like a million bucks.

If I were mentoring other submissives in the world, I would say to them, "Have something that you strive to do exceptionally well, regardless of how well you do it at the moment....  Strive for something big."  I would suggest they have a passion, something character-defining, something that builds self-esteem that is hard, real, tangible and evident.  Something that allows for measurable progress.  (The photographs at the beginning of my journey are measurably inferior to the ones today, which themselves are measurably inferior to the photographs of the future.)  Something that a future owner or Master or Dom (or equivalent) can look at and examine to know parts of her that aren't otherwise visible.  Something about which to say, "Here are ways that you are different; here are ways that you excel; here are ways that you improve; here are ways that you shine."   I would say, "Stretch.  Flex.  Do something that will make yourself proud first.  Then, when someone else says, afterwards, 'Great work,' you can believe in the praise, and you have already felt it, and you can look into so and so's eyes and say proudly, 'Thank you, Sir' and feel like a million bucks, which is in one way connected to your submission and in another way connected to your soul-core."  No matter how good you are now, or no matter how much you suck at it, practice makes better and better and better.  Better and better self-esteem, that is.

Self-Esteem from Self-Control

Why spend so much time exploring self-esteem?  I wish the answer to that question were not so obvious in my own experiences with people.  Anyway, the more I read about "The Master's Viewpoint" by Dennis Najee, the more I realize how much really depends upon self-esteem.  A healthy relationship depends upon it.  A healthy self-image depends upon it.  A healthy outlook on life depends upon it.  Personal expectations of how people treat us in the world depend upon it.  And, of course, relevant to the D/s community, a healthy experience at play or in communication depends upon it.  "No man is in a position of dominance if he cannot control himself," says Mr. Najee, and with that I wholly agree.  And, by controlling himself, it means what he eats; how much he eats; what he does for exercise; how much he exercises; whether he is in control over his emotions during periods of stress; whether he is in touch with his emotions during periods of affection; whether he abuses narcotics; whether he over-indulges in intoxicants; and whether he thinks that it is safe to interact with other people when he is drunk with control-sapping stimulants.  "Lack of control on the part of the dominant is a sign of weakness."   I have trusted people, inching as I did towards more and more control surrendered to them, only to have them lose control entirely one way or another.  They stopped listening to me, to the word "no".  They stopped speaking sanely.  They stopped being trustworthy.  When someone I trust loses personal control, I no longer trust.  Is a submissive supposed to negotiate in good faith with that person?  A submissive who, in good faith, does take care of her mind and body; who does make sure she adheres to codes of respect for her own body as well as the bodies of others; whose mindset is about bringing beauty, not fear.  Christian Grey, in Fifty Shades of Grey, has it right:  he has dominated his life so that things are under control.  His finances are healthy; his food is healthy; his exercise is healthy; he drinks wine from time to time; he even strives for healthier energy sources globally, that's how healthy he wants things to be.  He strives.  (Love the book or hate the book, Christian's outward character is formidable, and it is one viable basis upon which to grow a relationship.)

When one masters self-control, one feels pretty good about oneself.  Self-mastery  turns us into worthy partners in play; worthy partners in fantasy; worthy partners in exploration and mutual gratification.  It means I can trust the man You say You are.  It means I can feel good about surrendering control.  (And otherwise it ain't happening.)  It means Joe Dominant's domination is effective, not hypocritical and weak.  It means Cutie Submissive's submission is real, not a nymphomaniacal collar-hop perpetually seeking the honey-moon.  Words I will adhere to as I have done throughout this whole learning process:  "The BDSM lifestyle," writes Mr. Najee,  "is one where you are free to choose what you desire.  All avenues are open to you.  The key is to make the proper choices for what fits your needs.  Implant the image of what you want in your head and work towards bringing it into reality.  There is no reason why you cannot do this.  However, before focusing outward, take a look at yourself."

Self-Esteem from Clarity

I enjoy meditating upon the idea of clarity.  I clarify things that I say almost to the point of redundancy.  I know it annoys some; and others find it charming.  But I have been trained to say what I mean as part of my personal make-up and professional discipline.  It occurs to me lately that self-esteem is directly linked to one's ability to articulate one's universe.  If I can say precisely how I feel at any particular time, I can experience my own sense of worth.  Many factors influence "whether I can say precisely how I feel".   Who I'm speaking with; what I have to say; how important someone else believes it to be; how important I believe it to be; how difficult it is to say what I feel; how hurt someone else might be to hear it; how happy someone else might be to hear it.  So many variables.  "Courage of conviction," and "speaking truth to power," as well as "le mot juste" all travel with this idea.  The most important variable, I think, might be the ability to "know thyself."
Sometimes I hear people say, "I feel weird," when asked how they feel about something.  Weird isn't a feeling, really, so that is an inadequate statement to make about something so personal.  One's feelings are sacred: it increases self-esteem to be able to articulate them properly.  "I feel afraid," is a big, big deal to be able to say.  "I feel happy," equally important.  The most difficult of all, of course, is "I feel angry and it is because of this very specific reason."

It all rests, naturally, upon one's ability to be able to feel entitled to these feelings.  I think it's fair to say that feelings are fairly genuine: they come unbidden, they are irrational, they don't listen to reason when they first surface, they are the opposite and equal reaction to that which happens in the world.  Like it or not, feelings are an important barometer.   Sure, they are controllable, deniable, push-away-able if one tries very hard.  But the fact that they arise in the first place is a good indication of something to examine.  Even later, if it's easier with time.  I remember the first time I realized that I felt like I wasn't playing enough, playful enough, enjoying enough.  I felt incomplete, and I felt aroused in a way that could not be satisfied.  It made me feel anxious.  It made me feel even a little angry, which I could not justify at the time.  I had vague, unspecified yearnings, a very tiny inkling of what it would be that might soothe my imagination and buff the rough edges from my appetite.  Eventually the picture in my mind came into sharp focus after I was introduced to Shibari in Second Life.  It was a gorgeous fantasy.  It coloured every vague corner of my imagination and brought new life to my fantasy world.  It brought clarity to my thinking and to my feeling.  (I am perfectly convinced that it was the Master at the time, as much as the ropes, who is responsible for that extremely good reaction in me.  I have never tried it since, terrified of the results that might arise from someone less than him.)  Bondage done right gives me a fine-point perspective and perfect clarity.  Because of that fine point clarity, because of those emotions named and controlled by their naming, I feel free.........

And More Self-Esteem

A man I know likes to joke about how "it's the submissive's fault" if something goes wrong in a relationship or, heck, in general.  I'm sure it's a common enough joke that I'm not going to expose any particular man by raising it.  And frankly it's unfortunate that it's so common, because there are too many who find something serious to glean from the joke.  They, really, like to blame submissives, and not only blame them but also punish them, unreasonably.  I'd like to counter this with something very serious.  Submissives, including slaves, are human beings.  We are not toilets; and we are not dumping grounds; and we are not punching bags; and we are not disposable, all by default.  (Such can be negotiated, of course.  But "by default" is the characteristic of importance here.)  By default, we are people.  By default, we enter into a lifestyle that supposedly values respect and tolerance.  And, by default, we seek like-minded people with whom to interact as well as opposing-minded people with whom to love and find adventure:  meaning, we seek friends who can share experiences of their own with us, and we seek lovers and Dominants who can complete the balance of intimacy.  We are required, at all times, to demonstrate right action and right reason: this becomes extremely important in a lifestyle capable of altering mental space and physical limitations.  And guess what:  "all failures," writes Mr Najee, "are on the part of the Master... not the slave."
What a concept.  It takes two to tango, doesn't it?  Yes it does; though, even in a tango, one leads and one follows.  A submissive has a lot to do with the success or the failure of a relationship, especially if she is exercising right action and right reason in a crucial moment.  If the submissive leaves the tango prematurely, then her action ends the dance (obviously), but the failure of the tango may very well be the dominant's fault.  If, for example, the dominant is intoxicated and out of control when the submissive has every reasonable expectation of sobriety; or if the dominant refuses to get the sleep he requires in order to be able to behave in a sane, consensual, and respectable manner; or if the dominant blurts out flagrant abuse-of-power horseshit that has nothing to do with the respect due another human being, then it is no surprise at all if the right-thinking submissive leaves the dance prematurely (and if she feels any sense of self-worth at all, good for her for leaving the dance prematurely!), because submission doesn't mean trying to enjoy a nice dance with a predatory poser who cannot master his own feelings and behaviour let alone those of a trusting submissive.

There are beautiful places in Second Life, and some of those beautiful places are populated with beautiful people.  Well, I'm sure everybody's beautiful in one way or another; but, what I mean to say is there are bound to be compatible folks in the world wherever we look, if we know what "compatible" looks like.  It goes without saying that you need to know what it is that you have to give, and what it is that you think balances you in a partner, before you can find the partner, right?  I don't mind taking my time finding the partner for me.  I don't mind taking as long as it takes.

This beautiful place, by the way, with all the butterflies and nature, the water and the trees, in my latest round of photographs (and by the way, my photography has, as a result, jumped in skillset) is another art installation in Second Life which is breathtaking in its little separate spaces of interest.  I've just felt a little heartstring snap in half, though, as I read the creator's blog that says it will be closing on June 1st.  And, June 1st is only two hours away.  Oh, my aching heart, it is better to have loved and lost, is it not?  And the pain still comes.  I have found my self-esteem in a place of butterflies, and the place is mortal.

Self-Esteem

Once again, I realize how lucky I am.  Going back over the mentoring interactions with Genny, one thing strikes me now more clearly than anything:  this is a personal journey.  All of my assignments are designed for me to figure out who I am in a submissive relationship and what I want, and how I am prepared to live, and what it is that I see, and my vision, and my personal and unique way of expressing myself submissively.  Genny hasn't handed me a template and an instruction booklet on how to fit myself into this template:  Genny is getting me to explore who I am.  I am really lucky:  she is a great friend in the D/s lifestyle, and she isn't trying to change me, or shatter me, or break me down, or use me, or take advantage of me.  Or screw me, for that matter.  Instead, she gives me the equivalent of, "Here is my time, make something extraordinary with it, show what you can do." And, so, I do.  And every time I do, I come away with many meditations on the D/s lifestyle, and these meditations I carry with me and mull over as I move through the world, looking at the butterflies, making every moment a learning moment.
Whether deliberate or accidental, what Genny has done for me is to increase my self-esteem.  By letting me explore what it is that I want from this lifestyle, and by letting me express myself in ways meaningful to me, she has increased my self-esteem.  She has increased my power.  Well, I have increased my power: I know that it's all down to me, in the end, and if I asked Genny she would say, "I haven't increased your power; you did that."  But what Genny has done is to facilitate, enable, and witness it.  And consequently, I feel good.

Self-esteem is a big deal to my newfound "Masterful Expertise" Mr. Dennis Najee.  He states a very basic relationship principle here, and I agree with him 100%.  I quote: "The truth is that only those with a solid self-esteem can be in healthy relationships. Even in a power exchange situation, it is crucial that both people be on solid footing with their self-worth.  Again, and I cannot stress this enough, both parties need to look within for that value.  A slave is not valuable because of what she does; rather, her value is because of who she is.  Her awakening in the morning is all she needs to have merit.  Everything else flows out of that place."  So, the words make sense, but what do they mean ultimately in a practical sense?  How do people increase their self-esteem?  They can take a lesson from Genny my mentor, is what they can do.  Ask questions, task the submissive with exploratory tasks that aim for figuring out who she is, what she's capable of, and how she wants to live.  Explore the lifestyle and how other people live it: no two people have the same conditions, limits, considerations, or point of view.  There is no "template" for slavery; and there is no "template" for submission.  The lowest common denominator in the BDSM lifestyle is respect: everything else flows out of that place.

Mr. Najee talks about a spectrum.  "There are people at every stage of the spectrum."  It makes sense, right?  Domination is not just full-on control of every single aspect of a human being.  Domination is an art, and so one style does not fit everybody.  In fact, there are probably as many styles to domination as there are people who practice it.   Mr. Najee says, and I agree wholly, "The key is to know what it is that makes you tick.  In other words, how much of a relationship do you want with a person.  The one who is seeking a marriage partner as well as a BDSM one is looking for something emotionally in-depth.  This differs from the one who seeks to simply be of service to another in the domestic sense and forego the emotional.  Again, neither is better than the other.  It only matters what is best for you.  Knowing your place is a helpful thing to determine.  Sadly, few ever look at it before they enter into a relationship.  Most seem to do it backwards: they enter into relationships to determine what they desire.  Is it any wonder that so many relationships fail?"   I have goals in this world.  One of my immediate goals is to surround myself with more people like Mr. Najee and his very common-sense, non-predatory type of teaching.  Another of my immediate goals is to learn more from my interactions with Genny.  And eventually, a long time down the road, to surrender myself to You, my Future You, because the butterfly will someday emerge from the cocoon.  

Control, Part One

I have no doubt that "control"  will be one of the many topics that I introduce in my learning journal which will ultimately yield changing or deepening conviction as I progress.  Before I go there, however, I'd like to address a question I get asked almost every day.  "Where," they ask me, "do you shop?"  And I guess it is a consequence of being a very experienced Second Life resident (though my current avatar is relatively new) that I know some pretty great places to shop, because I make it a point to shop only at reputable, high-quality, fair-priced brands.  I don't buy things for 5L on the marketplace: they're probably scandalous in origin.  I earn the money I spend here, and I spend it on integrity-priced high-quality goods.  My look is Curio skin, preferably, and I wouldn't be me without it.  So, I'm posting fashion-blogger images today to deliberately call attention to the good art that makes me "me" and the good artists behind the scenes.  Without good art on the grid, we'd be a bunch of uggle-fuggles wandering chalk-drawing streets, duckwalky and herky-jerky gesturing.  And I don't put up with that in the real world, let alone in my ever-evolving fantasy world.  The fantasy would be just ruined!

Sometimes I wear Belleza skin, if the photography demands bolder eyes and blush.  The Asian features on both skins are so delicately and expertly handled.  Both brands showcase great artists.  I spend a lot of money in Second Life, and I like to know that I am spending money on not just great artists but also principled artists.  These artists (and other greats on the grid) are important to me:  Gala Phoenix, Tricky Boucher, Elika Tiramisu, and Cocoro Lemon, because their art is original and fun and sexy and good, good fantasy.   Here, then, is one of a dozen answers to the question of where I shop.  I would very much like to continue shopping at Gala Phoenix's Curio store, as would thousands of Second Life residents.  Gala's reputation in the world as an artist is formidable, a person of unique and special talent.

So, now, back to the idea of control.  I have been reading this excellent blog written by, clearly, a Master (and by "Master" I mean someone who has mastered the art of communication, someone experienced who can convey complicated ideas by breaking them down into digestible bits so that all the parts build upon each other and make perfect sense to people who are newly initiated, like me -- a Master whom I could look up to and learn from for a long time).  This blog treats ideas such as "control" and "self-esteem" and "the difference between submission and slavery" and "trust" and "goals" and "the bullcrap" (ha ha).  In other words, the man has taken great pains to a) empower the submissives and Doms who take the time to read; b) clear up a whole mess of misconceptions; c) make it perfectly clear that even though there are traditions in the lifestyle, ultimately how I live (and how You live, and how They live) will be a personal expression and fulfillment, not something prescribed and prefabricated.   And the idea of control weighs heavily upon me right now.  I know that when I submit, there will be limitations to the power that I surrender.  It won't be a total power exchange 24/7 -- it will not be slavery, in other words, consensual or otherwise.  There will be limits to what I am capable of offering (reluctant, but real).  And determining what, exactly, those limits are will be an excellent exercise that develops between me and my Future You.

What You will not control, I can say right now, is what I look like.  And I have the right to say so; and that simply means that, as we customize our fit together, You will be with me because You don't need to control my look and because I do not need someone to take control over my look.  I'm pretty good at dressing and grooming myself (in any world) and there is every reason to be confident in my ability to "show well" when we go about the grid having adventures.  Controlling HOW I submit is the idea, here.  The detail about how I dress and groom myself is incidental: the point is that there will be limitations on my submission, but they will be limitations that I place.  When I surrender control, it will not be appearance-based control that I beg from You.  I have that under control perfectly well and dandy.  When I surrender control, it will be emotion-control, sensation-control (things I'll delve into later, at long long length).  Bondage and restraint.  It is important to realize, especially for a new submissive, that HOW she submits and WHAT she submits, and to WHOM, and for HOW LONG, are conditions that she still controls as part of that safe, sane, consensual dynamic.  Submission isn't just "a thing," in other words: it is "a series of things."  When I submit, I submit often and regularly, little bits here and there, depending on the situation and timing.  I cede control over little things bit by bit and temporarily, while we get to know each other.  The Grand Whole Unifying Collared Submission happens when we have been together for a long time and we, together, have earned that blanket.  The blanket of submission!  The blanket that rests beside the throne of trust at the table of intimacy, under the balloons of faith and in the next room over from the hammock of aftercare.

One of the things that I want to call attention to as a key learning in the realm of control:   self-esteem.   I quote Dennis Nagjee:

When we discuss fear, it is crucial to remember that it can manifest itself in different ways.  ... Characteristics such as guilt, worry, anger, resentment and arrogance have their basis in fear. ...   The problem with fear is that, when experienced, it puts us instantly into a state where we are out of control. ... Those who are driven by fear do not feel like they are in control of anything. ...  They are not even handling their own emotions.  ...  A person with low self esteem is driven by fear. 

It means that I will be looking out for evidence of fear in the Dominants that I meet, as well as examining my own, and not making decisions based on fear to the extent that such is possible.  "All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing," isn't that the maxim?  I resent the control that a fearful, hateful person has placed over me, making me unable to patronize an artist whom I adore.  I look forward to when control is re-established in the proper hands and I can once again enjoy new and better work from Gala Phoenix.  I applaud those who have come out openly in support of a great artist: no fear.

"Submission" and "Stupidity"

Submissive doesn't mean stupid.  Unfortunately, it often means "eager to please".  And sometimes "eager to please" means doing things a person wouldn't do otherwise, such as second-guessing oneself.  Or putting oneself in harm's way.  Or surrendering something one wouldn't otherwise.  So, even though the word "submissive" doesn't equate linguistically with "stupid", there is still the possibility that the two may co-exist in the behaviour of a submissive when dealing with a compelling dominant.  And, wow, some dominants are compelling as hell.  They can make you spend money.  They can make you compromise your limits.  They can make you laugh as easily as they can make you cry.  They can make you stretch and fold and bend and snap back into position, depending on how eager you are to please.  Depending on  your level of approval-seeking.  Depending on how much you want to show how submissive you really are.  Because, sometimes it's just so easy to forget how intelligent you are when the strong voice of a compelling dom says, "wear my collar and I'll show you things" when... wait... when did the submission actually take place?  Where was the negotiation of power exchange?  When were limits discussed?  Now you are collared.  It was pretty simple for the dom to achieve.  The rest is cake.

I enjoy a "protected" status (as I've mentioned a few times) as a submissive at Journey to Domination and submission.  Well, the whole truth: protected AND precious.  I bet my sweet ass.  I have not forgotten, Sir Tony!  This status means that I recognize my eager-to-please-ness; that I recognize my not-quite-ready-to-decide-without-some-help-ness; that I recognize I am too vulnerable on my own without a mentor to help guide me in big decisions.  And by "vulnerable" I mean not the good kind.  The good kind is whole, transparent exposure to the eyes of the right dominant.  Whole, transparent exposure to the ears, heart, hands, penis, legs, liver, toys... anything the right dominant uses to enjoy his submissive.  That's good vulnerability.  Bad vulnerability is the feeling of exposure and deception in the presence of the wrong dominant.  The dominant who uses your approval-seeking against you in order to accomplish false or temporary or incomplete mastery.  The dominant who tries to sneak the collar around your neck without negotiating the strings attached, the responsibilities associated, the promises and the pledges.  The dominant who will use you, in other words, instead of helping you grow, and who will not make you a priority in his life that he can talk about openly.

I have been so used, along my journey, and a key learning for me is that I had the power (whether I remembered or not) to get myself out of it, or question it, or interrogate it, or examine it out loud, before it got too bad.  And, I did do these things, actually.  I wish I had done so sooner, but at least I did eventually.  Another key learning in general when in Second Life is that there are folks who will completely disregard what is written in one's profile (even if it's a hard limit)  and they will deliberately flout those boundaries (in the name of healthy pushing which subs must also be mindful of... especially when it comes to core values being broken).  A submissive will have to say, out loud, in no uncertain terms, "No, thank you, I do not wish it."   Unfortunately, a submissive tends to think that, having written it down in her profile, it spares her from having to say the words out loud (because speaking them can be difficult).  When talking to a compelling dom, "no" is not always easy to verbalize.  And unscrupulous doms rely upon its difficulty, for how else would they get what they want?  But it is a very important sentence for a submissive to believe she is entitled to say.  "No, thank you, I do not wish it."  It is incumbent upon the submissive to know she can say it.  A submissive is entitled to say these words, but most of all a submissive is EXPECTED to say these words:  how else can "safe, sane, consensual" be enforced?  MOST ESPECIALLY with a dominant who is not her master, owner, well-known confidant of many years.

Fine Lines

This has been quite a week of conversations.  I have learned this week more about myself than in recent history combined, and so much has come from being tested with misconceptions.  I'll give the benefit of the doubt and not say the word "prejudice" or even "bigotry" but rather call it "misconception" that drives the conversations of recent memory from which I have stepped higher still in my journey to submission.  I, too, am guilty of misconception (and my recent post on protected precious sweet asses is evidence of that).  Perhaps nobody is immune; we all must learn and no one is born perfect.  But, this week especially, I have been challenged on many fronts.  It felt surreal, this week, sort of like I was exploring "D/s through the looking glass" instead of just plain old D/s.   I think the most important learning I can catalogue this week is HOW perspective changes, and THAT perspective changes, and WHY perspective changes, and the vast difference between the perspective of the new versus the perspective of the very experienced.  The difference is in the fine lines.

[Digression:  one of my pet peeves in language is the way people abuse the phrase, "There is a fine line between...(insert comparatives here)."  There is often not a fine line between the things they suggest, when I stop and think about it, and then I scuff my toe in frustration having wasted all that time.  And that is not what I mean to suggest here, either, when I talk about fine lines.  There is no fine line demarcating the initiate and the Master.  Instead, there is a crude chalk-drawing by a student, a three-stroke stick-figure trying to tell a story it isn't complex enough to convey.  Next to it, a finely-wrought image drawn by the Master, an image comprised of a thousand fine lines, conveying a rounder, deeper story that takes hours to appreciate and weeks to analyze.  What the new person scratches-out cannot compare to the Masterful image of high complexity.  That is what I mean.  The fine lines reveal everything.]

The new person:  1) expects things to be obvious, 2) gravitates towards the obvious, 3) leaves heavy footprints through the journey.


The initiate:  1) understands that things are not always as they seem, 2) gravitates more towards what she desires instead of what is obvious and presented by default, 3) tries to walk more softly through the world.


The initiated:  1) begins to develop subtleties that characterize her unique self, 2) begins to assert her desires and hardly pays any attention to the obvious and the default anymore, 3) strives to walk not just softly but without penetrating the rice paper.

The Master:  1) recognizes subtlety in others and celebrates it, while recognizing that the new need guidance also, 2) can anticipate desire and meet it but is never above being surprised by joy, 3) can carry himself and his disciple (if required) with minimal impact to the land beneath.

A simple example: it is confusing (to the new Doms and  to the new subs at the beginning, if nobody knows any better) whether a submissive lady should be kneeling by default when a man speaks to her.  There are so many competing opinions and values and practices in Second Life, as many different answers to that question as there are practitioners of alternative lifestyles and roleplay.  There are so many reasons why a Dom may believe it is appropriate for a girl to kneel when speaking to him.  There are so many reasons why a submissive may believe such behaviour to be archaic, misguided, inappropriate to her life's purpose, or totally and perfectly reasonable.

What does submission look like?  It looks like whatever you want it to look like.  Submissive women wear lingerie and snowsuits and sneakers and pumps (granted, not all at once...).  Sometimes a sub wears a collar.  Sometimes she doesn't.  There are at least a dozen variables (and possibly ten dozen more) affecting whether you see her sporting a collar at any given moment.  She may or may not kneel.  She may or may not be owned.  She may or may not be attached at all, in any relationship.  She may be getting over a relationship; she may be entertaining the possibility of a new relationship; she may be withdrawing from any immediate relationships; she may be seeking platonic friendships or protective arms with no other expectations.  She may be wearing leather or lace.  There is a lot in common, really, with the vanilla lifestyle.  But, honestly, there are so many ways to LOOK submissive if one wants to be obvious and catch the attention of the obvious-seeking.  There are also so many ways to assert one's subtleties if one is looking to attract the attention of the more discerning (and less obvious) tastes.  I have endeavoured to wander the road paved by the discerning.  My protected precious sweet ass enjoys the tranquility.

Protected Precious Belongs, Today

When at the Journey to Domination and Submission sim, I wear a group tag.  (Second Life residents know about group tags.  When you are a member of any kind of community, chances are there is a group to join for membership, and that group will give you a special tag that affords special privileges.)  My J2D tag says, "Protected Precious."  It is the tag given to submissives.  "Seeker" is the tag given to Dominants.  Genny, my mentor and the owner of the sim, wears a tag that says "Traveler."  I confess, when I first got this "Protected Precious" status, my immediate reaction was privately negative.  I was fairly ashamed to wear this tag.  It felt princessy. I have never considered myself either protected or precious.  It felt, therefore, like a phoney tag that was meant for a hundred other girls that weren't me.  I did ask, though, a Dominant and a Master whom I respect probably above all others.  "I am not really so very precious, come on?"  And his answer was, "You bet your sweet ass you are."  This little mini-conversation took place several months ago, but it has stayed with me and replayed over and over like a song that is determined to become the year's favorite.  From time to time, it was drowned out by feelings of alienation and separation; feelings of being different; feelings of being so far removed from the groups I long to take part in.  I am reminded, almost cruelly sometimes, of how differently I present myself.  It makes me feel like a freak.  That's my issue, I know.

Then, later on, when I had repeated the conversation to that same Dominant and Master, I had misquoted him.  I had said something like, "You bet your ass," and he corrected me.  "Anna, I believe I said 'sweet ass'."

This is a blog post about self-esteem.  When I showed another Dominant a picture of what I was wearing today, he complimented me and said that it was an enjoyable look.  It took me almost half an hour to finally say "thank you" for the compliment.  I'm not sure why I find it difficult to accept a compliment sooner and genuinely.  I'm not sure why, months ago, I found "sweet" difficult to add when referencing "my ass".  I'm not sure why, months ago, I resisted being known as one who is "protected" and one who is "precious".  I have come to a decision, though.  While I examine these personal foibles of mine privately, I will embrace their opposites publicly.  Time for affirmations!  I am Anna, geisha name Choji, and my sweet ass is protected and precious.  My sweet ass is protected, precious, and proud of it.  My sweet ass is protected, precious, proud of it, and in the mood to say so.  My sweet ass is intelligent, thoughtful, and very often in need of protecting given how precious it is.  My sweet ass gives a wiggle and a can-can-kick or two.  My sweet ass sits on a throne of trust supported by balloons of hope sailing over the hammock of aftercare, waving at the amazing Dominant and Master who taught me, months ago, that it's not because I'm any different from anybody else -- it's actually because I am special like everybody else, that I am as precious as everybody else, and just as protected.  Today I feel like I belong.  Today is a good day.