The Dictionary, Page Twelve

Capture, now what was I thinking?  Capture, of all things.  The dictionary of my submission -- the words meaningful to me as I relate to my Tasdron:  capture is word twelve.

Not roleplay, no -- this is not a game.  Not slavery, no --  a slave to my passions, I am not, and I govern my passions with the desire of a saint.  Surely to cupcakes I had something in mind when I blurted the word "capture" for page twelve of the dictionary.

Oh indeed, oh yes.  Oh for the very certainty.  Yes, and I remember precisely why, too.  I remember a day -- early, early in my understanding of this lifestyle -- when brave old Sir Will set me down in a new and unfamiliar sim, greenery everywhere, with some delicate iron chairs and a table for two.  I was honored to hold his attention for the twenty minutes we had for talking and enjoying green nature.  (I am always honored when someone of sublime humanity invites me for a small time to enjoy an idea or two, and I have been very lucky with how many of those people -- people of sublime humanity -- I have been able to meet.)  What we talked about was preserving -- holding time in a bottle, as it were.  How afraid I had become, at that time in the year, of time slipping away and vanishing, and taking everything I love with it.  It was an anxiety easily quelled, in fact, and brave old Sir Will's picture in my photo album proves it.  "Why do you take pictures?" he asked.  "I need to capture and then hold on to moments," I replied.

When I frame it, snap it, save it, and treat it, it is mine for however long I say so.

Memory is unreliable, and dreams are easily influenced.  The taste of the tea at the time of a special moment is a taste I could try with all my might to recapture, tomorrow.  And of course, that taste, that perfect chemistry just so, just right, just there in that moment now gone, that taste is precious and flown.

So I take tea every day, for every moment.  I won't take any chances of missing out.

* * *

What happens, though, when the moments are perfectly collected, and the visuals perfectly captured, and the words and associations catalogued carefully and with pristine attention to every detail worth remembering -- and then the feeling fades... What happens when the chemistry that coordinated all of my feelings of submission suddenly changes, changed as a vial of blood poured into the clear, pure glass of aqua vita changes the look and meaning and value of the intoxicant?

The chemistry that made me crave the pain; the chemistry that made me crave the care; the chemistry that made me crave the naked vulnerability and steadfast rules and limits.  The chemistry that made me open myself to surrendering to another.  How do I recapture that chemistry?  I have gone all vanilla and happy.  There is great love, there.  There is placid, easy conversation.  There is intelligence and connection.  There is beauty and truth.  There is all such goodness but -- what of the chemistry that made me crave the sting of a riding crop?

My submission changes with every new day.  I am no less submissive simply for not craving pain.  I am no less submissive simply for not craving a passionate violence in fantasy.  I am no less submissive. I am simply... chaste in thought, now, as well as in deed.

There is no capturing chemistry as one captures its look.  Chemistry boils and bubbles, forever changing.  The species named "Submissive" does not change with the flowing, floating fury of volatile chemicals always at play.  I'm still me.  I'll be fine.

* * *

And I have valentines chairs to sit in for when you get home, by the way.

The Dictionary, Page Six

Chastity is the next word in the dictionary.  The words of the dictionary I'm working on, incidentally, are found in the "page one" post, but here they are again:  intimacy, connection, submission, worship, chastity, adoration, service, creation, representation, rendering, capture, surrender, claiming, ritual, frame, solid, eternal, earthly, heavenly, sinfully, humility, revelation, giving, taking, ornamental, mastering, skillful, privacy, shield, ourselves, perfection. 

Chastity, for me, is easy.  It's not like it's any hardship and I'm making some huge sacrifice.  The only difficult part is actually saying the word "no," especially if I know it's going to hurt his feelings.  I have no trouble meaning it; and I have no trouble enforcing it.  But that first declaration of "Oh, my submission doesn't involve sex," is a doozy.  Men have, in the past, reacted negatively to my "no."  Sometimes they might try to convince me that I'll never get anywhere in this lifestyle if I don't offer my body.  Sometimes they might try to convince me that I'm topping from the bottom by refusing my body. (Note well:  both of those excuses are false!  Tricks!  Pay no attention!)

My great learning about chastity in this lifestyle:  you're allowed to have the kind of relationship that you want, no matter what anybody else says.  You're allowed!  The proudly-sexual women are happy with themselves and feel good about their choices.  The proudly-chaste women can feel just as good!  And the world keeps turning.  And the lifestyle keeps growing.

This is not new wisdom:  if he can't handle you saying "no" to him, then he's not worth saying "yes" to.  (Nevermind "yes, Sir.") This part of the dictionary is not for Tasdron: this part is for me, the part of the dictionary that represents my power and my thinking, my self-care and my self-love.  This is my personal applause for the power that I have held onto and for the faith I've kept during the time I've been on my own in this world.  I have done well, and I can be proud of my behaviour around men and women (and around the men of other women).

When I sit at my computer and begin my private time of submission for the day, and I begin reviewing what I have learned so far and where it is that I want to go, I think about all that I have to offer in this virtual communication and living. I give a beautiful kind of intimacy.  I give an intensity of care and concern, and I rush to turn wrong things into right things.  I rush to consider feelings. I hurry from my place of waiting to the place of action, of problem-solving.  Sometimes I dive in a little too far, and in my eagerness I might appear abrupt.  But my zeal and eagerness are undaunted until what is wrong is right again.  In short, I am a hell of a companion.  And my house is your house.  And if you have not eaten I will make you eggs and toast and tea.  And if you have not slept I will tell you a story and watch you doze off while I clean up after our meal together.  And while you sleep I will make sure the house is silent (and tidy) for you.  And while you dream in silence I will make sure there is something good to wake up to.  My work is chaste work, and it is hard work, and it is out of love and devotion that I do it.  I submit to this effort and to this kind of pleasing and to this kind of purity of intimacy.

When I think of submission as a picture, I don't think of a man binding my hands behind my back and forcing his cock into my mouth.  That is not submission: that's just kinky sex.

Chastity and Online D/s

I attended a discussion yesterday that began as an open-forum talk-about-what-you-want munch and resulted in a very interesting discussion about chastity.  I asked the question, "did anybody attend the chastity discussion of the night before which I was forced to miss" because I am interested in what the general D/s community public has to say on the matter.  Sadly (to me), the answer came back that the discussion I missed had actually been all about sexual stimulation.  Orgasm control and such things -- which I do not regard with any critical view as "chastity."  So then I asked the question, do you think discussions of chastity would go over well in this community?  The answer was a resounding yes!

Apparently there is, in fact, a growing trend of submissives in Second Life who, like me, don't throw it all about, as it were.  In fact, the idea of holding oneself "in trust" for one's eventual Master or Mistress is more common than I'd thought!  And even then, there is also a growing trend of chastity within an established relationship.  Submissives who have chosen a dominant may still, in the online world of Second Life, require "no sex" as a limit.  She is still a rare bird, she is, who will enforce that kind of limit.  However, it's not unheard of, and I regard it as a very sensible thing to do for many reasons (common-sense reasons that many security professionals have already imparted all over the internet).

Submission is not simply a sexual service.  And, if a dominant has his eye on a particular submissive who has proven that she is disciplined with her body and her mind and her endeavours, that is an attractive bird indeed, is she not?  If I were a dom looking for a submissive girl, I would want one who demonstrates that she is not a crawling, whimpering mess of appetites.  Even for the very simple reason that such a bird doesn't tend to carry a lot of baggage a dom will have to deal with.  And I have baggage issues, so that is why the no-baggage idea is so attractive to me.  Anyway.  Moving along.

Submission is not simply a sexual service.  Vulnerability of submission implies naked, bare, stripped, transparent and raw presentation -- and that is what a lot of my photography aims to capture in fact.  Without necessarily capturing a sexual experience, if that makes sense.  Gender, yes.  Vulnerable, yes.  Sexual, not necessarily.  I, myself, explore the idea of submission in a chaste way.  At first, I thought I was alone in the world -- but now I realize there is at least one other person (and maybe ten!) who believe in this method.

Submission is not simply a sexual service.  I am, however, obligated to further contextualize the adorable  part of that discussion, and it's as good a punch-line as any.  It does, I'm afraid, slightly burst the bubble that I have admired for the duration of this post.  In an admittedly adorable way.  But I don't mind -- at least I've started the conversation.  So, here it is:  when I asked the question about whether or not discussions about actual chastity would be a good idea (and keep in mind, my question is whether DISCUSSIONS would be a good idea, not whether chastity would be a good idea), a very good-looking and articulate man in attendance immediately offered the comment, "I would really like to encourage this idea of chastity, this way of thinking, yes, a very good line of inquiry."  And suddenly, all the girls present were like, "Oh I'm chaste.  Oh yes me too.  Oh I have been for a long time.  Oh totally chaste.  Me too, Me too!  I still have orgasms but I'm chaste.  Oh yes you have to have SOME orgasms, but yes otherwise very chaste."  Et cetera.

Well, whatever it takes, my sisters.  Whatever it takes.  So there you have it: there is (now) a growing trend towards chaste living in the online D/s community in Second Life.