Some words on mental health

Are you a narcissistic supply?  In other words, do you open your veins and let the narc feed from you?

An interesting metaphor is the vampire lifestyle.  When I first began my Second Life years and years ago, the first place I started was with a clan of vampires.  My career did not last for very long, largely because I could not understand what it is that these people do in the virtual universe.  (I was so new; I was so naive.) There is a game propping-up many SL vampires and that game is "get as much blood as you can," with the unspoken "keep as many supply dolls around you as you can, in case you need blood in a hurry."  These blood-doll submissives take pride in feeding the dominant vampires whenever needed: "count on me, bleed me dry," they beg, and their blood trickles from their bodies to nourish someone else.  "Just love me, is all I ask."

A classic narcissist is someone who fundamentally has no life inside (or, no "blood"), and so they seek self-esteem and gratification from others (or, drinking the blood of others to survive).  A narcissist thrives on the feedback from other people, even if it is negative feedback.  (Positive is better, though.)  Accordingly, they seek praise, or to troll and incite violence, or to steal someone's lover in order to feel "more special"  (because life is a competition, according to them -- and the competition must be won or else someone must die).  They seek what others have because they, themselves, believe deep down that they have nothing (rightly or wrongly).

Another word for this kind of behaviour is "parasitic" -- behaviour from someone who cannot live without the presence of another human being to draw from.  To drink from.  To receive from.  If you have ever tried to leave someone who simply will not let you leave, you have felt the clutch of a parasite who is panicking that his "supply" might be trying to get away.

If you have ever tried to have a civilized discussion about the proper way of doing something that nearly came to blows because someone refused to admit defeat, or someone refused to admit he was wrong, or someone behaved like "you touched a nerve!" then you have tried to reason with the unreasonable.  Mental health is unreasonable: it either works or it doesn't, and if it is not working then there is no logic that will solve that problem.

A narcissist presents herself to the world as someone who loves herself excessively: "I am the best," and "Other people are flawed because of this or that, but not me."  In fact, excessive criticism of other people is a very good indicator of a disturbance inside the mind.  Someone who soothes herself by putting others down is someone with whom logic will never win.  There is, alas, no point in trying to speak logically to these folks, whether dominant or submissive.  (There is great danger, in fact, if you pledge your service to such a person: you will inevitably find yourself on the receiving end of that same criticism they show towards other people.  And sometimes it does not stop with words.  And it goes without saying that you will have to keep a vein open for constant feeding regardless of your mood.)  Jealousy, anger, insecurity, irrationality... behaviours like these do not just come from skipping lunch. They come from an imbalance in the mind that is more dangerous (and more common!) than I have really considered before now.

If you have ever felt the rage of a narcissist (the narcissistic rage from the narcissistic wound, they call it) then you are exactly the right reader for this.  Failing to make your narcissist feel important means you risk your narcissist walking out on you: and that will cause some anxiety, especially when they come storming back (it never takes very long) with their rage, their pacifying, their new hunger, and then their feeding from your open vein, which will confuse the hell out of you until you begin to accept the patterns and cycles in your relationship...  Or, until you lock the door and never let them in again.  (Boundaries.  Limits.)  

There are many reasons, in short, why so many people do not connect properly and in healthy ways in the online gaming community: people are often not looking for you but, instead, for your blood (emotionally speaking).  It may not be you they want but only the attention you bring.  It may not be you they want but only the kneeling that you do, or the trophy that you represent.  It may not be you they want but, rather, that you belong to someone important and that you now choose the narcissist to be with instead -- a real coup for the ego of the narcissist.  And when it comes to taking a submissive to order around, or to pledging your service to a dom, the connection will be phoney without a free, balanced, two-way circulation system of communication.  Because, honestly, the D/s lifestyle is uniquely positioned to handle mental health issues in ways that vanilla living is not.  There can be good news at the end of the journey if you follow your safe, sane, consensual practicality and if you pledge to communicate with perfect transparency.  And if you strive continuously for wellness, with the right nutrition and physical activity, your body will not sacrifice your mind to disease.

This is why I maintain, in any interaction, that I am not in competition with anybody.  I do not know everything.  I submit first of all to humility, for every single person I meet knows something I do not -- just as I know something they do not.  And I do not want your boyfriends!  And as part of my value system, I have become quite comfortable with "No, thank you."

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For people on Facebook there is a good resource for survivors of narcissistic abuse as you recover from being "the supply du jour."

Proud of Submission

What submission means to me.  I feel proud that I submit my power, sometimes, to a man I love.  When it is good to do so.  When it is time to do so.  Sometimes, because I am submissive, I notice that he is not in the mood to take control.  I watch and I pay attention.  And in those times, I take control, not because I want to, but because it is part of my submission.  I make decisions I would feel more comfortable that he makes.  But he wants them made for him, sometimes.

What submission means to me.  I feel proud that I am observant and watchful.  I feel proud that I pay attention to details.  I feel proud that I observe and keep my eyes wide open (not dulled with drink, not dulled with smoke, not dulled with medications that I do not require, not dulled with over-sated appetites).  I feel proud that, because my eyes are wide open, I can anticipate.  I can predict.  I can have patience sometimes when I might not have had patience, otherwise.

What submission means to me.  It feels as though I wear it openly like a system of restraints, obvious to anybody.  It feels like clothing to me.  It feels like a zipper I cannot reach behind me that someone else zips and unzips for me.  It feels like a thick, chunky, heavy-metal collar with no seam and no clasp: as though it was born there, on me, reminding me constantly who I am.

What submission means to me.  I am part of a club that teaches me, like I teach them, how great it is to feel like our true selves.  Our true selves.  My true self.  I look at other submissives through my camera lens, studying their beauty and self-declaration.  I study their presentation, their decisions about how the world will see them.  I look at them, and I rejoice.  I look at myself, and I rejoice.  We are, truly, our own selves.  (Thanks, E, for letting me take so many pictures of you.  I know your time is precious.)

What submission means to me.  I am not a sexual object.  I am not a tool.  I am not a doormat.  I am not stupid.  I am not gullible (because of my submission).  I am not a slave.  I do not surrender all my power at all times to all people.  I do not accept violence.  I do not accept abuse.  I do not accept other people's anger about not submitting myself to them.  I have never been obligated to.

What submission means to me.  I give a part of myself to one man that I do not give to anybody else -- not a boss, not a police officer, not a judge, not another man, not any woman, not in pretend or in fantasy.  I give a part of myself to one man with which he could do anything he wants, and I give it to him as a surrendered offering, because I would not be me if I did not give this to him.  When I deal with police and judges and bosses, I do not submit to them, and they do not dominate me.  I do what I do because I want to do it.  There is only one king of the castle for me!

Discipline - The Self

I was asked, recently, "Are you sure what you're looking for is a D/s relationship," given that, apparently, I long for something that sounds unusual, a contrast to the "normal" way of doing things.

"Yes," I assert gently and truly, "of course a D/s relationship is what I'm looking for.  I already know this.  I'm already there, in my mind.  That is fundamental.  That is basic."   I imagine a gardener with a bonsai.  I imagine a man older, wiser, full of humour.  I imagine he shapes, painstakingly (but not every day... only when it is time), as the natural shape of me emerges from his pruning.  When he is not tending the garden, he is enjoying the garden: he lets me give back, whether in silence or in active pleasure.  When he is at liberty.  When it is easy.  And only then.  There is no "pretend" attention; there is attention or there is space.  You, when  You come, will be a wizard and an artist with shibari.  And the iron of Your chain-leash will be strong.  And Your collar that I wear will be thick and obvious, well-made, substantial.  Warm, rounded, well-wrought metal and leather.  Something strong and masculine around my slender neck.

My future Master, without those things, why else would I seek You?  That, to me, is You.  I need You to discipline and shape this part of me.  And because You have already mastered Yourself, You will know how to master me.  You already know how I complete You; and what I will do for You; and how Your garden will become the great prize for the bonsai that, shaped by You, defines the evidence and skill of Your mastery.

While I wait, I discipline myself.  I discipline my mind.  I (re)learn the geisha manners of love and humility, entertaining and specialties in arts.  It occurs to me that there will never be One who wishes to master me who does not enjoy a geisha's beauty (and make no mistake -- a geisha is not for everybody!  Of what use is a woman who serves by talking or playing the shamisen?  Of what use is a woman who serves by delighting the mind and the eyes with light and surprise? A geisha is not for everybody.)  I continue to shape my intellect, curve my responses, sculpt my disciplines.  I do this because it softens the sharpness of my need, so that my patience blossoms.  I do this so that I have something still more to offer You, when You do come.  I already know what You will do to me; and I already love how I will submit to You.

And, that is enough for me: it is as if You are already here.  I enclose myself within this garden, and I admit none who is not You.