The Dictionary, Page Three

Connection is the next page of the dictionary of words that inform my submission to Tasdron Dryke.  Connection is oxygen.  Only connect, and you can have whatever you want.  Only connect, and you unleash the power of another person to work wholly in your service.  Only connect, and you understand all that has happened before, all that happens now, and all that is still yet to happen.  Only connect, and the meaningful life is yours.

Things happened yesterday.

The things that happened yesterday connect to tomorrows that have not yet happened.  Like chain links.

Yesterday was a continuation of Thursday.  Thursday and Friday were two halves of the same scene, one inside and one outside.  One horizontal and one vertical.  How do I feel?  I could not have predicted any of it;  I could not have foreseen;  I could not have anticipated.  And it doesn't matter because I was enough, and how I feel about that is elated.  I was equal to your needs, I was equal to your requirements, and I, just by being me, was enough.  That feels more than good, God of all things beautiful and charged.  I'm not sure there is a word for how that feels.  Feeling as though I am enough, just for being me.

Yesterday, the bubble of intimacy closed around us.  My instant messages were turned off and my voice-mic occupied.  The bubble of intimacy closed around us and my focus was proven, my devotion demonstrated.  The bubble of intimacy is more important to me than even my own skin, and it feels (to me) that when IT is protected, I am protected.  When IT is dominated, I am dominated.  When IT has your lock and key upon it, I do.  I wish only that there were more means of access to me now so that I could offer them to you for closing and sealing.  My instant messages remain off, and my intimacy is connected now to one man's power.  Connected and controlled.  I feel a charge of thrilled excitement just thinking about it, and it makes me feel more than good whenever I do think about it.

This is what security feels like.  This is what I want.  I beg, more.

Collars, Protectors, Mentors, and Learning

I attended a discussion yesterday that was, ostensibly, about collars but which ended up being more a dissection of the "protector" dynamic in Second Life BDSM (and I suppose also a little bit of real life crept in there too).  It is a very good idea to attend discussions when one is new to the D/s lifestyle because, honestly, there is so much that we take for granted and so much that goes unexamined in our lives -- and this is a very safe place to dissect these things and examine them properly in the presence of a variety of other lifestylers, experts, newbies, and seekers.  Discussions are helpful.  What is even more helpful, I find, is that I must (and WANT to) discuss the learnings now with House Sparta so that we share the experience and digest the points raised, together.  Collars are on my mind, lately, and so it was a timely discussion with some interesting points to make.

What surprised me the most is how problematic the idea of a "protector" is to many in the community -- many people whom I do quite admire, moreover.  The idea of a "protector" role that could be manipulated or taken advantage of was not surprising to them.  The idea that people will abuse the role of protector (or even abuse the role of mentor)  was not surprising to them.  The idea that people will abuse the idea of a protection collar and not just the role itself was also no great surprise to anybody (i.e. perhaps the Dominant will not grant the collar but he still wishes the submissive person to submit totally and wholly; or perhaps the Dominant does grant the collar but then completely ignores the responsibilities associated with it; or perhaps the submissive manipulates the Dominant into being able to wear his collar for purposes of false protection, but now she can boast to other people that she wears his collar completely... these kinds of things).  No great surprise.  Happens all the time.  Yikes, I said to myself.  One girl said in the discussion that the protector is someone who will always be available, forever after; but that the NEED for protection does not last forever.  The purpose of protection is to get the girl out into the world on her own two feet, eventually.  The purpose of protection is to set the girl free, eventually.  The purpose is to teach, to guide, to shield, and to nurture.  And I kind of like that ideal.  (And the girl who said it actually has all that, herself, so obviously it is possible!  And I believe that it is what I have, also.)

The idea of mentors was a big hit for everybody: people are getting hip to the benefits.  I am so glad.  The idea of a training collar is "a joke" apparently, and I was grateful to see that I am not the only person who thinks so.  (Why groom a girl in conditioning and repetitive tasks and make her learn all your preferences if you're not going to keep her?  It does not make -- and never has made -- any sense to me.)  The idea of a play-collar was a little bit scary to some folks, like the fashion collar and like the protection collar: it gets abused.  One Dom said something interesting:  putting a collar on a submissive, no matter what kind of 'alternative' collar you call it, will create certain expectations (a collar looks like a collar; the protection collar doesn't look any different from a full collar; and a fashion collar looks identical to the real thing too).  It is something to think about.  But the idea that there are "weaker" collars in the world seems to make other people (who have "real" collars) nervous.  Does the idea of a part-time collar lessen the value of the real collar?  Does the idea of a "bedroom submissive" lessen the value of a total-power-exchange slave?  Would a girl in a house feel like her collar were undervalued if her Dominant gave away his collar freely to many other girls in the world?  These are all questions that come up when we discuss collars.  They all have the same answer, though, as far as I can tell:  discuss it with your Dominant.  In my case, discuss it with House Sparta, because my protector and his submissive Klaudia are two of the smartest people I know.

Only Connect

The guiding principle behind E. M. Forster's Howard's End, "Only Connect."  I have attended a discussion today about Shelf-Sitting Submissives, a phenomenon whereby a submissive waits (almost interminably) for her dominant to come back and pay attention to her, requiring the underlying assumptions: a) there is no communication about how and when the Dominant will arrive, b) there is no communication about if the Dominant will arrive, c) there is no communication about what kind of waiting is actually required of the submissive i.e. is the submissive allowed to entertain the company of other dominants (chastely or otherwise), and is the submissive allowed to entertain the company of other submissives (to discuss the ways of the world and the mechanics of the D/s lifestyle from peer-perspectives); and/or d) there is no communication about anything else that is terribly important to the feelings, heart, soul, and well-being of both parties in the D/s relationship.  There is no communication, really, and it makes a person feel really low.  Unimportant.  No longer valued.  Not a priority.  Unloved... depending on the self-esteem of the person to begin with.

Only connect.  I am protected by a Dominant who expects me to communicate.  Regularly.  I am protected by a Dominant who has a set, fixed time that I can reasonably expect to meet him in-world.  I am protected by a Dominant who expects me to transparently live in such a way so that he CAN protect me: he knows where I am; he knows what I wish to learn; he knows when and why I am here; and he WANTS to know.  These expectations make me feel loved.  I am protected by a Dominant who says it is incumbent upon HIM to make sure the lines of communication remain open, and to make sure that I obey his expectations about keeping in communication and keeping honest and keeping the energy flow... keeping the power exchange alive.  It's his responsibility; it's my submission; it is our ongoing relationship.  This requires effort and energy on his part.  This requires time invested on his part.  And time invested on my part.  And this time and investment make me feel wanted, make me feel like I'm important.  He protects me, but here's the crux:  his protection is of my feelings.  My feelings are my most vulnerable part of me, and that's what he protects with his protocol of Domination.  He makes sure my feelings are healthy, fine, wanted, and attended to.  This is how he protects me, and this is what protection means.  Only connect -- it's not a secret to a healthy relationship... it is available to everybody.

"Submission" and "Stupidity"

Submissive doesn't mean stupid.  Unfortunately, it often means "eager to please".  And sometimes "eager to please" means doing things a person wouldn't do otherwise, such as second-guessing oneself.  Or putting oneself in harm's way.  Or surrendering something one wouldn't otherwise.  So, even though the word "submissive" doesn't equate linguistically with "stupid", there is still the possibility that the two may co-exist in the behaviour of a submissive when dealing with a compelling dominant.  And, wow, some dominants are compelling as hell.  They can make you spend money.  They can make you compromise your limits.  They can make you laugh as easily as they can make you cry.  They can make you stretch and fold and bend and snap back into position, depending on how eager you are to please.  Depending on  your level of approval-seeking.  Depending on how much you want to show how submissive you really are.  Because, sometimes it's just so easy to forget how intelligent you are when the strong voice of a compelling dom says, "wear my collar and I'll show you things" when... wait... when did the submission actually take place?  Where was the negotiation of power exchange?  When were limits discussed?  Now you are collared.  It was pretty simple for the dom to achieve.  The rest is cake.

I enjoy a "protected" status (as I've mentioned a few times) as a submissive at Journey to Domination and submission.  Well, the whole truth: protected AND precious.  I bet my sweet ass.  I have not forgotten, Sir Tony!  This status means that I recognize my eager-to-please-ness; that I recognize my not-quite-ready-to-decide-without-some-help-ness; that I recognize I am too vulnerable on my own without a mentor to help guide me in big decisions.  And by "vulnerable" I mean not the good kind.  The good kind is whole, transparent exposure to the eyes of the right dominant.  Whole, transparent exposure to the ears, heart, hands, penis, legs, liver, toys... anything the right dominant uses to enjoy his submissive.  That's good vulnerability.  Bad vulnerability is the feeling of exposure and deception in the presence of the wrong dominant.  The dominant who uses your approval-seeking against you in order to accomplish false or temporary or incomplete mastery.  The dominant who tries to sneak the collar around your neck without negotiating the strings attached, the responsibilities associated, the promises and the pledges.  The dominant who will use you, in other words, instead of helping you grow, and who will not make you a priority in his life that he can talk about openly.

I have been so used, along my journey, and a key learning for me is that I had the power (whether I remembered or not) to get myself out of it, or question it, or interrogate it, or examine it out loud, before it got too bad.  And, I did do these things, actually.  I wish I had done so sooner, but at least I did eventually.  Another key learning in general when in Second Life is that there are folks who will completely disregard what is written in one's profile (even if it's a hard limit)  and they will deliberately flout those boundaries (in the name of healthy pushing which subs must also be mindful of... especially when it comes to core values being broken).  A submissive will have to say, out loud, in no uncertain terms, "No, thank you, I do not wish it."   Unfortunately, a submissive tends to think that, having written it down in her profile, it spares her from having to say the words out loud (because speaking them can be difficult).  When talking to a compelling dom, "no" is not always easy to verbalize.  And unscrupulous doms rely upon its difficulty, for how else would they get what they want?  But it is a very important sentence for a submissive to believe she is entitled to say.  "No, thank you, I do not wish it."  It is incumbent upon the submissive to know she can say it.  A submissive is entitled to say these words, but most of all a submissive is EXPECTED to say these words:  how else can "safe, sane, consensual" be enforced?  MOST ESPECIALLY with a dominant who is not her master, owner, well-known confidant of many years.

Protected Precious Belongs, Today

When at the Journey to Domination and Submission sim, I wear a group tag.  (Second Life residents know about group tags.  When you are a member of any kind of community, chances are there is a group to join for membership, and that group will give you a special tag that affords special privileges.)  My J2D tag says, "Protected Precious."  It is the tag given to submissives.  "Seeker" is the tag given to Dominants.  Genny, my mentor and the owner of the sim, wears a tag that says "Traveler."  I confess, when I first got this "Protected Precious" status, my immediate reaction was privately negative.  I was fairly ashamed to wear this tag.  It felt princessy. I have never considered myself either protected or precious.  It felt, therefore, like a phoney tag that was meant for a hundred other girls that weren't me.  I did ask, though, a Dominant and a Master whom I respect probably above all others.  "I am not really so very precious, come on?"  And his answer was, "You bet your sweet ass you are."  This little mini-conversation took place several months ago, but it has stayed with me and replayed over and over like a song that is determined to become the year's favorite.  From time to time, it was drowned out by feelings of alienation and separation; feelings of being different; feelings of being so far removed from the groups I long to take part in.  I am reminded, almost cruelly sometimes, of how differently I present myself.  It makes me feel like a freak.  That's my issue, I know.

Then, later on, when I had repeated the conversation to that same Dominant and Master, I had misquoted him.  I had said something like, "You bet your ass," and he corrected me.  "Anna, I believe I said 'sweet ass'."

This is a blog post about self-esteem.  When I showed another Dominant a picture of what I was wearing today, he complimented me and said that it was an enjoyable look.  It took me almost half an hour to finally say "thank you" for the compliment.  I'm not sure why I find it difficult to accept a compliment sooner and genuinely.  I'm not sure why, months ago, I found "sweet" difficult to add when referencing "my ass".  I'm not sure why, months ago, I resisted being known as one who is "protected" and one who is "precious".  I have come to a decision, though.  While I examine these personal foibles of mine privately, I will embrace their opposites publicly.  Time for affirmations!  I am Anna, geisha name Choji, and my sweet ass is protected and precious.  My sweet ass is protected, precious, and proud of it.  My sweet ass is protected, precious, proud of it, and in the mood to say so.  My sweet ass is intelligent, thoughtful, and very often in need of protecting given how precious it is.  My sweet ass gives a wiggle and a can-can-kick or two.  My sweet ass sits on a throne of trust supported by balloons of hope sailing over the hammock of aftercare, waving at the amazing Dominant and Master who taught me, months ago, that it's not because I'm any different from anybody else -- it's actually because I am special like everybody else, that I am as precious as everybody else, and just as protected.  Today I feel like I belong.  Today is a good day.