I suppose it seems threatening to consider a relationship built upon an architecture of power-exchange and domination/submission. If there is one person in the relationship who "has more power" then maybe it resembles the beginning of that vague word "abuse".
But, only in an abusive relationship does it resemble the beginning of abuse. Resemble. And of course there are, just like in relationships of equality, abusive personalities who enjoy taking advantage. The online community is populated with all manner of people who call themselves "Doms" and who, instead of mastering a submissive, bully her into compliance or try to tell her to feel grateful for less than she deserves to benefit himself. Or "submissives" who manipulate and do violence when they are incapable of articulating their deep-rooted needs. Of course there is going to be abuse: there is abuse everywhere, in any lifestyle, but it is not something to take for granted simply because one is a dominant or a submissive personality by nature, or simply because one may have a predilection for painful pleasure. Responsible adults know how to do this right. Right?
The difference between BDSM and abuse is that BDSM has a fundamental tenet of safety, sanity, and consent. We emphasize these things (though some may not really understand their meaning until an emergency emerges). "Abuse" (such a vague term... let us call it "bullying" or "taking advantage of" or "assault" if we want to be specific) is by definition non-consensual. Insane. And not safe.
These are the basic differences as I see them. To put in better context:
Does a BDSM slave strapped to a cross and whipped on his thigh by his Mistress constitute abuse? Not if he has begged her for this scene or consented to it at her request.
Does it constitute abuse if he has not consented? I would argue that yes it does.
Does it constitute abuse if he has given a blanket consent weeks ago that she may do anything she wishes to him without asking, and this is one activity that she will use to test that theory? It's a grey area, but I would argue that if he has access to a respected safe-word that he may invoke whenever he is uncomfortable (indicating her sanity in respecting the word and his sanity in using it) then it still falls under the jurisdiction of kink-aware awesomeness.
How about a submissive woman wandering through a vanilla club, suddenly harassed by men who declare she is obligated to kneel for them and obligated to strip and dance, obligated because THEY say so, ridiculed for her refusal to comply, and insulted for her inability to submit to them -- does that constitute abuse? It bloody well does.
What about if she were wandering through a BDSM club, suddenly harassed like that? It bloody well does there, too. It's abuse no matter where you go. And, some people love it! And some people hate it! And we can only hope that the people who hate it get the hell out. Because ultimately this journey is supposed to be exactly -- to the letter -- what you want it to be, not someone else's version.
The difference between BDSM and abuse is like the difference between a swimming pool and a tar-pit: they aren't comparable items at all, existing as they do in entirely different realms of requirement or convenience, but they feel the same kind of wrong if one is being forced into them without consent or regard for safety and sanity. That wrong exists as frequently in the world of equality as it does in the world of established power-structures.
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How can a submissive be abused in the world of BDSM?
- Assume she is your 24/7 slave when really she's just a lovely submissive personality wandering her own journey.
- Assume she wants to dedicate her entire life to you without asking her if that's any kind of true.
- Assume she will be satisfied with one third of a commitment when she is entitled to the whole thing.
- Assume the limits that she presents to you are invitations to break them.
- Assume that when she screams out a safe-word she is lying about it.
- Assume that your way is the only right way of doing things, even though she may have opinions to the contrary -- valid and worthy of respect.
- Assume that your way is the only right way of doing things, and if she does not comply then she is simply "not submissive."
- Assume that she wants to be humiliated, beaten, insulted, ignored, or caged even though she hasn't asked for any of it.
- Assume that depriving her of something (food, attention, fresh air, public discourse) is good for her character, and not just a power-display of your own imagination.
- Assume that telling her "you will disappoint me, otherwise" is a healthy motivator.
- Assume that when she says, "I don't think that I can do this," she doesn't mean it.
- Assume that when she says, "I don't think that I want to do this," you don't need to care.
- Assume that, after depriving her of something for several days, she should be grateful to you for finally giving it back to her.
Bad assumptions. And they are bad assumptions in the real world, too, not just in the virtual world or the D/s world. Maybe your submissive has already declared her willingness and pledge to do these things or behave in ways that will please you. Maybe your submissive has already submitted to the fraction of goodness you were prepared to offer. Maybe, just maybe, the submissive may react with grateful gratitude and with grateful receiving -- maybe. But if you assume it of every single submissive, and more to the point if you punish her for not reacting so gratefully, congratulations! You've just abused someone.
There are distinctions to make. They require thought, care, communication, questions, time, lots more time, and many many many more questions. Make these distinctions. Think about them and talk about them. YOU can tell YOUR OWN difference between abuse and BDSM at the end of it.
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