And More Self-Esteem

A man I know likes to joke about how "it's the submissive's fault" if something goes wrong in a relationship or, heck, in general.  I'm sure it's a common enough joke that I'm not going to expose any particular man by raising it.  And frankly it's unfortunate that it's so common, because there are too many who find something serious to glean from the joke.  They, really, like to blame submissives, and not only blame them but also punish them, unreasonably.  I'd like to counter this with something very serious.  Submissives, including slaves, are human beings.  We are not toilets; and we are not dumping grounds; and we are not punching bags; and we are not disposable, all by default.  (Such can be negotiated, of course.  But "by default" is the characteristic of importance here.)  By default, we are people.  By default, we enter into a lifestyle that supposedly values respect and tolerance.  And, by default, we seek like-minded people with whom to interact as well as opposing-minded people with whom to love and find adventure:  meaning, we seek friends who can share experiences of their own with us, and we seek lovers and Dominants who can complete the balance of intimacy.  We are required, at all times, to demonstrate right action and right reason: this becomes extremely important in a lifestyle capable of altering mental space and physical limitations.  And guess what:  "all failures," writes Mr Najee, "are on the part of the Master... not the slave."
What a concept.  It takes two to tango, doesn't it?  Yes it does; though, even in a tango, one leads and one follows.  A submissive has a lot to do with the success or the failure of a relationship, especially if she is exercising right action and right reason in a crucial moment.  If the submissive leaves the tango prematurely, then her action ends the dance (obviously), but the failure of the tango may very well be the dominant's fault.  If, for example, the dominant is intoxicated and out of control when the submissive has every reasonable expectation of sobriety; or if the dominant refuses to get the sleep he requires in order to be able to behave in a sane, consensual, and respectable manner; or if the dominant blurts out flagrant abuse-of-power horseshit that has nothing to do with the respect due another human being, then it is no surprise at all if the right-thinking submissive leaves the dance prematurely (and if she feels any sense of self-worth at all, good for her for leaving the dance prematurely!), because submission doesn't mean trying to enjoy a nice dance with a predatory poser who cannot master his own feelings and behaviour let alone those of a trusting submissive.

There are beautiful places in Second Life, and some of those beautiful places are populated with beautiful people.  Well, I'm sure everybody's beautiful in one way or another; but, what I mean to say is there are bound to be compatible folks in the world wherever we look, if we know what "compatible" looks like.  It goes without saying that you need to know what it is that you have to give, and what it is that you think balances you in a partner, before you can find the partner, right?  I don't mind taking my time finding the partner for me.  I don't mind taking as long as it takes.

This beautiful place, by the way, with all the butterflies and nature, the water and the trees, in my latest round of photographs (and by the way, my photography has, as a result, jumped in skillset) is another art installation in Second Life which is breathtaking in its little separate spaces of interest.  I've just felt a little heartstring snap in half, though, as I read the creator's blog that says it will be closing on June 1st.  And, June 1st is only two hours away.  Oh, my aching heart, it is better to have loved and lost, is it not?  And the pain still comes.  I have found my self-esteem in a place of butterflies, and the place is mortal.

"Submission" and "Stupidity"

Submissive doesn't mean stupid.  Unfortunately, it often means "eager to please".  And sometimes "eager to please" means doing things a person wouldn't do otherwise, such as second-guessing oneself.  Or putting oneself in harm's way.  Or surrendering something one wouldn't otherwise.  So, even though the word "submissive" doesn't equate linguistically with "stupid", there is still the possibility that the two may co-exist in the behaviour of a submissive when dealing with a compelling dominant.  And, wow, some dominants are compelling as hell.  They can make you spend money.  They can make you compromise your limits.  They can make you laugh as easily as they can make you cry.  They can make you stretch and fold and bend and snap back into position, depending on how eager you are to please.  Depending on  your level of approval-seeking.  Depending on how much you want to show how submissive you really are.  Because, sometimes it's just so easy to forget how intelligent you are when the strong voice of a compelling dom says, "wear my collar and I'll show you things" when... wait... when did the submission actually take place?  Where was the negotiation of power exchange?  When were limits discussed?  Now you are collared.  It was pretty simple for the dom to achieve.  The rest is cake.

I enjoy a "protected" status (as I've mentioned a few times) as a submissive at Journey to Domination and submission.  Well, the whole truth: protected AND precious.  I bet my sweet ass.  I have not forgotten, Sir Tony!  This status means that I recognize my eager-to-please-ness; that I recognize my not-quite-ready-to-decide-without-some-help-ness; that I recognize I am too vulnerable on my own without a mentor to help guide me in big decisions.  And by "vulnerable" I mean not the good kind.  The good kind is whole, transparent exposure to the eyes of the right dominant.  Whole, transparent exposure to the ears, heart, hands, penis, legs, liver, toys... anything the right dominant uses to enjoy his submissive.  That's good vulnerability.  Bad vulnerability is the feeling of exposure and deception in the presence of the wrong dominant.  The dominant who uses your approval-seeking against you in order to accomplish false or temporary or incomplete mastery.  The dominant who tries to sneak the collar around your neck without negotiating the strings attached, the responsibilities associated, the promises and the pledges.  The dominant who will use you, in other words, instead of helping you grow, and who will not make you a priority in his life that he can talk about openly.

I have been so used, along my journey, and a key learning for me is that I had the power (whether I remembered or not) to get myself out of it, or question it, or interrogate it, or examine it out loud, before it got too bad.  And, I did do these things, actually.  I wish I had done so sooner, but at least I did eventually.  Another key learning in general when in Second Life is that there are folks who will completely disregard what is written in one's profile (even if it's a hard limit)  and they will deliberately flout those boundaries (in the name of healthy pushing which subs must also be mindful of... especially when it comes to core values being broken).  A submissive will have to say, out loud, in no uncertain terms, "No, thank you, I do not wish it."   Unfortunately, a submissive tends to think that, having written it down in her profile, it spares her from having to say the words out loud (because speaking them can be difficult).  When talking to a compelling dom, "no" is not always easy to verbalize.  And unscrupulous doms rely upon its difficulty, for how else would they get what they want?  But it is a very important sentence for a submissive to believe she is entitled to say.  "No, thank you, I do not wish it."  It is incumbent upon the submissive to know she can say it.  A submissive is entitled to say these words, but most of all a submissive is EXPECTED to say these words:  how else can "safe, sane, consensual" be enforced?  MOST ESPECIALLY with a dominant who is not her master, owner, well-known confidant of many years.

Submission, Rights, and Ethics

One more from Miss Steel's private chamber, since I've been studying today with great interest.

This article is about negotiating.  "Many submissives," it says, "long to vacate all their rights, and they express the desire to do whatever the Dominant tells them.  Some even feel that if they are in any way non-submissive they will no longer be desirable to the Dominant.  This concept of 'non-submissive' is growing in popularity and is often identified as a submissive who is forthright, honest, and open in her opinion or beliefs.  Some believe that a submissive should never disagree with 'any' person identified to them as a Dominant, that such behaviour of disagreement is indicative of a poorly-behaved non-submissive."  Ye gods.  "This type of catch-22 ideology," it goes on to say, "encourages people to return to policies of silence by intimidation or judgment, or the non-truthful communication so prevalent in vanilla society -- policies most within the BDSM communities have attempted to overcome."


I think I understand pretty clearly, now, the difference between a roleplay slave and a BDSM submissive.  I think it's pretty clear that I should be forthright about my values, not my limits, the next time I enter into negotiations.   Values are a good thing to consider right now.

Values:
- I value bone-dry honesty, blurting before thinking.
- I value examination of that honesty, taking time to consider what we're saying really.
- I value eye-contact and facetime, undistracted.  Not 100% of every day -- in fact, not even close.  I can't handle all that attention.  But when it's "us time", nobody else intrudes.
- I value my solitude so that I can process things.  I can't be in a constant state of receiving: I need processing and output time.
- I value my privacy, your privacy, and our shared time.
- I value the time I have invested in learning about respect, honesty and integrity; the differences between Play and Reality; the differences between Submission and Slavery; the differences between Doms and Masters; and the differences between my submission and everybody else's submission.
- I value the time I have invested preparing myself so that I will be worthy.
- I value a man's honour (whatever it is that makes a man thoughtful, considerate, polite, chivalrous, clean, talented, skilled, and disciplined).
- I value my own practiced ethics.