Boundaries: Good Idea

Have we talked about boundaries lately?  I've just read something that demands sharing.  I'm sitting in my happy spot nicely bounded and feeling pretty secure at the moment, so now is a good time to revisit this idea of boundaries.

First, it is empowering to realize that it is our own responsibility how we let other people treat us.  [It is not our fault if someone abuses us!  Not at all.  Abuse is a whole other dynamic.] 

In day to day living, we teach people how to treat us, and we teach them what we will accept and what we will reject.  We do that even if we aren't aware we're doing it: and regardless of what we teach them, there are people in the world who will bulldoze right over established boundaries anyway (or, will try to!) without regard for your boundaries.  Which is why you need to know what those boundaries are, and where the warning signs are posted, and when to sound the alarm.  "Learn to say no," in other words.  "Know what actions you need to take if your wishes aren't respected."

"Recognize that other people's needs and feelings are not more important than your own," is another good idea.  When you start imagining a relationship in terms of "more important" and "less important" then there is an unhealthy dynamic at play.  It is not about more or less, when there is love and trust to bind two people.  Domination does not mean "more important."  Submission does not mean "less important."  There are people in the world who would tell you that you are obligated to do something because you are someone.  Your submission obligates you.  Your obedience obligates you.  And the truth is, while submission means that you are inclined to serve and to obey rather than to give orders and dominate a situation, submission does not mean that you will obey blindly.  Rather, submission simply means that, in the relationship between a dom and a sub, the dom sets the mood and the tone of the activity, and the sub reacts and responds to this setting.  In a dance, one leads and one follows.  Neither takes priority: both are required, and the dance is beautiful.

You are never obligated to act against your own conscience.   You are never, as a submissive person, obligated to obey rules that insult your soul.  You are never obligated as a human being to perform actions, feel guilty, subjugate your own self-esteem to benefit another's ego, debase yourself for someone else's gratification... you are never obligated to perform as a slave for the selfishness of another.  Ever.  (Of course, if you want to do those things, then of course the world wants you to get what you want!!  But you are never obligated by virtue of your being submissively inclined.)

Domination does not mean "ownership."  There are some subs and doms who speak in terms of ownership, but it is not an obligation by virtue of submission and domination.  Ownership need never come into the relationship if you aren't comfortable with the word.  For some, it's perfection.  For others, it's overkill.

The idea of boundaries is a good idea to revisit from time to time.  It is good to clarify words and meaning as they relate to one's own experience.  One's own brain is the sole source of pleasure in this world, and it wants to know what's on the menu before selecting.

Also from the article, signals that there are boundary issues:

- you go against your values to please someone else

- you give as much as you can for the sake of giving

- you take as much as you can take from someone, for the sake of taking

- you let others define your personality, your rules, your acceptable limits

- you expect others to fulfill your needs automatically

- you feel anxious and guilty if you say "no" to a request

- you do not speak up when someone mistreats you

- you fall to pieces so that others will take care of you

- you fall in love with someone you barely know

- you fall in love with someone who reaches out to you for a conversation

- you accept someone's advances, touching, and sex when you do not want it

- you touch someone without asking first

These signals should send warnings that it is time to have a conversation.  It may be that everything is alright.  It may be that "it's just meant to be."  And that's great!  But have the conversation to make sure.  That, right there, is a boundary worth enforcing.

Discipline - The Self

I was asked, recently, "Are you sure what you're looking for is a D/s relationship," given that, apparently, I long for something that sounds unusual, a contrast to the "normal" way of doing things.

"Yes," I assert gently and truly, "of course a D/s relationship is what I'm looking for.  I already know this.  I'm already there, in my mind.  That is fundamental.  That is basic."   I imagine a gardener with a bonsai.  I imagine a man older, wiser, full of humour.  I imagine he shapes, painstakingly (but not every day... only when it is time), as the natural shape of me emerges from his pruning.  When he is not tending the garden, he is enjoying the garden: he lets me give back, whether in silence or in active pleasure.  When he is at liberty.  When it is easy.  And only then.  There is no "pretend" attention; there is attention or there is space.  You, when  You come, will be a wizard and an artist with shibari.  And the iron of Your chain-leash will be strong.  And Your collar that I wear will be thick and obvious, well-made, substantial.  Warm, rounded, well-wrought metal and leather.  Something strong and masculine around my slender neck.

My future Master, without those things, why else would I seek You?  That, to me, is You.  I need You to discipline and shape this part of me.  And because You have already mastered Yourself, You will know how to master me.  You already know how I complete You; and what I will do for You; and how Your garden will become the great prize for the bonsai that, shaped by You, defines the evidence and skill of Your mastery.

While I wait, I discipline myself.  I discipline my mind.  I (re)learn the geisha manners of love and humility, entertaining and specialties in arts.  It occurs to me that there will never be One who wishes to master me who does not enjoy a geisha's beauty (and make no mistake -- a geisha is not for everybody!  Of what use is a woman who serves by talking or playing the shamisen?  Of what use is a woman who serves by delighting the mind and the eyes with light and surprise? A geisha is not for everybody.)  I continue to shape my intellect, curve my responses, sculpt my disciplines.  I do this because it softens the sharpness of my need, so that my patience blossoms.  I do this so that I have something still more to offer You, when You do come.  I already know what You will do to me; and I already love how I will submit to You.

And, that is enough for me: it is as if You are already here.  I enclose myself within this garden, and I admit none who is not You.

Serving and Pleasing

"She's a giver," a person might say about a really good hostess, especially at the holiday season.  You walk into her home; you receive exceptional hospitality; the food is surprisingly good to eat and good to look at; the wine is carefully chosen; there is a parting gift with a blessing and it makes you feel as if she was honoured to have you in her home... "Yes, she sure is a giver," you might reply.

Why does she give so much?  What is in it for her?  Why does she want to serve so well?   The excellent hostess is driven to please.  The "why" is not necessarily as important as the "fact of it" in this case:  the excellent hostess may be driven by a dominant posture (to control the flow of food and drink; to time the sequence of events for the evening; to determine the seating arrangement; to decide the games-partners; etc...) or by a submissive posture (to provide ease and leisure to her guests by preparing good foods and drink; to entertain her guests with inventive games; to divert her guests with an evening of relaxation and all the chores taken care of -- effortless dining, etc.)  But the fact is, the need to please is very private and very real.  She simply wants to please: and the effect of it is a good time for her guests.

What's in it for her?  You will remember her.  You will think about her with warmth and love.  You will consider her among the more accomplished of your acquaintances (the food is extra-ordinary... the skill is delicate and disciplined... the generosity is second to none).  You will want to return, someday.  You may, in fact, want to return the favour someday, too.  You will talk, from time to time, about what a good time you had at her gathering.  You will say, sometimes, what a thoughtful hostess she is.  You will respect her and praise her.  All these things, eventually, come true after an evening of pleasure at the hands of the excellent hostess.  And all these things, too, eventually come true if you are pleased by your submissive or by your Dominant.   What makes me talk about this?  Where did this post come from?
I just finished reading a discussion about service, and a comment therein was something like, "I have no idea why submissives want to serve; what do you get out of it?"  There were answers that involved kink and nipple-piercing which, I think, blur the fundamental drive of a human being to please another human being.  There is a drive that urges us to please other people whom we respect and love; and I don't think this drive is specific to either subs or Dominants.  I think a submissive heart serves differently from a Dominant attitude, but I know that the impulse stems from a similar place.