Needs, Part Four

I need my mentor.  I don't mean "I'm in crisis; I need someone immediately."  What I mean is, in my journey towards self-enlightenment and as I grow more and more to know myself, I discover that what I've been missing for all this time is a good mentor.  A good one.  She is kind and loving, but she's not crazy-clingy-invested in me as if her life will fall apart if I say something wrong.  She is smart and knowledgable, but she's not crazy-know-it-all force-feeding me stuff that I can't digest.  I don't know what heavenly gang of deities decided to fashion this lovely lady, but the end result is, "Anna grows."  I look up to her.  Her name is Genny Clary, and she runs the Journey to Domination and Submission (J2D) sim that I just love to be a part of.  She also runs this blog that I love to read.  I won't always "need" Genny; but right now I need her.  And I didn't know how much I needed her until I met her.

She asks the right questions.  She makes me think about myself, for myself, but in the context of other people as well.  She did something that I haven't felt in a long time: she set me "free", so to speak.  When I started to think about, meditate upon, and then articulate my needs, I felt like a huge weight lifted from me.  I have needs.  Yes, I've always known that I have wants.  I have always known that I hunger or thirst for certain cravings that come and go.  I have always flirted with the many wants that flavour my palate.  But beyond those, I actually have needs.  And now I articulate my needs.  And now I am not ashamed of having needs.  And now, even though I'm still wandering around blindly in the dark cave of my soul, still trying to figure out how to work my lantern, at least I know that I'm in the right cave.  At least I know that, whatever is in this cave, I want it to be there.   I'm in my playroom now.  A nice white room aching for decoration the way I want it to be.  Embellished, ornamental, fabric or stone... I decide.  I have needs.

When I walk, I swing my hands freely now.  When I stand, my arms move weightless, gentle wrist-circles and air-drawings like butterflies.  I do not stand still.  I wander and explore and talk to strangers.  I immerse myself in art and photography, literature and cinema.  And I do so with joy, not pain or longing.  I do so with a strong, full heart; no fear.  My voice is a little clearer. My footfall a little more gentle.  I have nothing but commendations for the J2D sim and the people who make it work.  I feel better than I have in half a year, for sure, and it is the direct result of intense, and very kind, introspection guided by a skilled mentor.  And it needs saying... I have met some fine people in Second Life who make having a second life worthwhile.  I took these pictures in the "Spirit" art display by Claudia222 Jewell (a truly gifted artist) on the Art Screamer sim.  I felt a kinship to this beautiful lady when she explained to me the circumstances (grief) under which she created this glorious work of art.  I go back often, amazed each time that the art still stands.  I kiss your cheeks, Claudia.  And yours, Sir Tony, for making me decide to have a first-class mentor.  And yours, Sir RB, for introducing me to Genny's group in the first place, at that very first discussion.  Obviously I was born, this time, under lucky stars and beautiful dreams.

Needs, Part Three

My mentor asks, "What is trust? Do we need it? Can we have a relationship without it?"

On a large scale, I believe civilization's fundamental bedrock is trust: therefore, we cannot have relationships without trust.  I believe, for myself, that I could not cross at a green light, board a high-speed train, or eat food purchased at a local market without trusting all manner of people whom I've never met but who, nevertheless, preserve my life for another day with their predictable and benevolent behaviour.  We need to be able to trust even on an unconscious level, or else we remain paralyzed and afraid of our own shadow.

On a more intimate scale (since intimacy and need are my focus right now), I believe that someone can trust me who has learned to depend on my judgment; who has learned to rely on my priorities and my ability to prioritize someone's sensitive issues; who has learned to read and understand my behaviours which consistently provide a "no-surprise" environment where sensitive issues are concerned.

To do otherwise would be a "surprise" environment -- or, in other words, it would be shocking, an emotional violence.  The extent of the violence depends on the extent of the betrayal.  Part of the trust a person places in me, however, is how terribly I would feel if I were to cause another to be so shocked by betrayal.

On the most intimate scale (since we get to the heart of the matter now) I need trust.  I need to be able to rely upon someone as readily as I offer my own reliability.  I need a "no-surprise" environment.  I need to take for granted that someone will behave in such a way.  Needs, part three:  I need safety from shocks and emotional violence.  Even accidental.

Wants, part one:  I would like to play.  I would like to play with physical boundaries. I would like to play with someone I would never doubt.  I would like to play with someone who takes play seriously; someone who flirts with the physical but who never, ever betrays the emotional.  Side effect of this learning:  As I become more honest, I require more honest.