Regrets. Regrets? No.

Short-term pain, long term gain.  Short-term gain, long term pain.  Short-term thinking, long term effects.  Short-term effects, long term consequences.  Decision-making always exposes a person to the possibility of regret.  Is it the right decision?  Is it going to hurt later?  Even if it hurts later, is it worthwhile now?

If it is not worthwhile now, how do I know it will not be worthwhile later?  Will it be too late to make a decision later?  If it is too late to make a decision later, will it hurt more later than it does now?

I have made decisions, in my life.  The most interesting decisions are always relationship-decisions.  To be (His) or not to be (His), this is always the question -- not just for me, but for those submissive personalities who yearn to be partnered with a good (male, in this case) dominant. There are complicating factors in these decisions:  and usually it involves a third person.  An absent third person, or a present third person, or a third person who (for one reason or another) is both present and absent at the same time.  (That is possible, in Second Life.)  Or maybe it involves a third person who is entirely attached in the physical realm.  Decision-making is sometimes paralyzing, and especially for someone like me who basically rests her submission on the idea of surrendering decision-making.  But here are two decisions that I would be happy to vouch for, for any submissive reading this.

a) Consideration Collar, yes.  If it's offered, take it.  You both know you like each other, but do you know if you are going to react well to each other over time?  This is a way to get to know the person before making a commitment of vulnerability.  If it's not offered, insist on it.  If it's not acceptable to the other person, there is something wrong, there.

b) Protector, yes.  If it's offered, take it.  (Do not, however, strong-arm anyone into accepting that kind of relationship -- it defeats the purpose.)  Personally, I have been blessed with a handful of outstanding protectors.  Not many.  I didn't think I needed any, of course, until I actually did need one.  Thank you, Sir Tony.  I suppose I don't thank you enough for the good that you did.  Protectors are mentors of a sort; they are wise counsel; they are an ear and a shoulder when necessary; and in the absence of a dominant who can take responsibility for decisions in the relationship, a protector can guide you through decisions that need to be made so that you don't necessarily end up with regrets at the end of that path.  (Two heads are better than one, eh?)  In the case of Sir Tony, not only was he a protector, but he knew how to create a meditative state and get to the source of things.  I keep those memories alive and I'm fortunate to have them: it was a healing time.

A year ago, I was writing about how the best was yet to come.  My journey into real submission had begun in earnest and I was opening legitimately.  I will not insult my own writing, a year ago, by claiming that I have any regrets.  After all, stories never end, and I am a patient person.  My decisions have come from a place of nobility and more care for someone else than for my own self: that means, I think, that I have never made a bad decision, even if it means that I have not indulged as other people indulge.  Integrity is my reward, I suppose.  While not a perfect analog, I recall a passage that flutters around my memory wanting to come out, from Memoirs of a Geisha:

     "Now, nearly forty years later, I sit here looking back on that evening with the Chairman as the moment when all the grieving voices within me fell silent.  Since the day I left Yoroido, I'd done nothing but worry that every turn of life's wheel would bring yet another obstacle into my path; and of course, it was the worrying and the struggle that had always made life so vividly real to me.  When we fight upstream against a rocky undercurrent, every foothold takes on a kind of urgency.

     "But life softened into something much more pleasant after the Chairman became my danna.  I began to feel like a tree whose roots had at last broken into the rich, wet soil deep beneath the surface.  I'd never before had occasion to think of myself as more fortunate than others, and yet now I was.  Though I must say, I lived in that contented state a long while before I was finally able to look back and admit how desolate my life had once been.  I'm sure I could never have told my story otherwise; I don't think any of us can speak frankly about pain until we are no longer enduring it."

Collars, Protectors, Mentors, and Learning

I attended a discussion yesterday that was, ostensibly, about collars but which ended up being more a dissection of the "protector" dynamic in Second Life BDSM (and I suppose also a little bit of real life crept in there too).  It is a very good idea to attend discussions when one is new to the D/s lifestyle because, honestly, there is so much that we take for granted and so much that goes unexamined in our lives -- and this is a very safe place to dissect these things and examine them properly in the presence of a variety of other lifestylers, experts, newbies, and seekers.  Discussions are helpful.  What is even more helpful, I find, is that I must (and WANT to) discuss the learnings now with House Sparta so that we share the experience and digest the points raised, together.  Collars are on my mind, lately, and so it was a timely discussion with some interesting points to make.

What surprised me the most is how problematic the idea of a "protector" is to many in the community -- many people whom I do quite admire, moreover.  The idea of a "protector" role that could be manipulated or taken advantage of was not surprising to them.  The idea that people will abuse the role of protector (or even abuse the role of mentor)  was not surprising to them.  The idea that people will abuse the idea of a protection collar and not just the role itself was also no great surprise to anybody (i.e. perhaps the Dominant will not grant the collar but he still wishes the submissive person to submit totally and wholly; or perhaps the Dominant does grant the collar but then completely ignores the responsibilities associated with it; or perhaps the submissive manipulates the Dominant into being able to wear his collar for purposes of false protection, but now she can boast to other people that she wears his collar completely... these kinds of things).  No great surprise.  Happens all the time.  Yikes, I said to myself.  One girl said in the discussion that the protector is someone who will always be available, forever after; but that the NEED for protection does not last forever.  The purpose of protection is to get the girl out into the world on her own two feet, eventually.  The purpose of protection is to set the girl free, eventually.  The purpose is to teach, to guide, to shield, and to nurture.  And I kind of like that ideal.  (And the girl who said it actually has all that, herself, so obviously it is possible!  And I believe that it is what I have, also.)

The idea of mentors was a big hit for everybody: people are getting hip to the benefits.  I am so glad.  The idea of a training collar is "a joke" apparently, and I was grateful to see that I am not the only person who thinks so.  (Why groom a girl in conditioning and repetitive tasks and make her learn all your preferences if you're not going to keep her?  It does not make -- and never has made -- any sense to me.)  The idea of a play-collar was a little bit scary to some folks, like the fashion collar and like the protection collar: it gets abused.  One Dom said something interesting:  putting a collar on a submissive, no matter what kind of 'alternative' collar you call it, will create certain expectations (a collar looks like a collar; the protection collar doesn't look any different from a full collar; and a fashion collar looks identical to the real thing too).  It is something to think about.  But the idea that there are "weaker" collars in the world seems to make other people (who have "real" collars) nervous.  Does the idea of a part-time collar lessen the value of the real collar?  Does the idea of a "bedroom submissive" lessen the value of a total-power-exchange slave?  Would a girl in a house feel like her collar were undervalued if her Dominant gave away his collar freely to many other girls in the world?  These are all questions that come up when we discuss collars.  They all have the same answer, though, as far as I can tell:  discuss it with your Dominant.  In my case, discuss it with House Sparta, because my protector and his submissive Klaudia are two of the smartest people I know.