Regrets. Regrets? No.

Short-term pain, long term gain.  Short-term gain, long term pain.  Short-term thinking, long term effects.  Short-term effects, long term consequences.  Decision-making always exposes a person to the possibility of regret.  Is it the right decision?  Is it going to hurt later?  Even if it hurts later, is it worthwhile now?

If it is not worthwhile now, how do I know it will not be worthwhile later?  Will it be too late to make a decision later?  If it is too late to make a decision later, will it hurt more later than it does now?

I have made decisions, in my life.  The most interesting decisions are always relationship-decisions.  To be (His) or not to be (His), this is always the question -- not just for me, but for those submissive personalities who yearn to be partnered with a good (male, in this case) dominant. There are complicating factors in these decisions:  and usually it involves a third person.  An absent third person, or a present third person, or a third person who (for one reason or another) is both present and absent at the same time.  (That is possible, in Second Life.)  Or maybe it involves a third person who is entirely attached in the physical realm.  Decision-making is sometimes paralyzing, and especially for someone like me who basically rests her submission on the idea of surrendering decision-making.  But here are two decisions that I would be happy to vouch for, for any submissive reading this.

a) Consideration Collar, yes.  If it's offered, take it.  You both know you like each other, but do you know if you are going to react well to each other over time?  This is a way to get to know the person before making a commitment of vulnerability.  If it's not offered, insist on it.  If it's not acceptable to the other person, there is something wrong, there.

b) Protector, yes.  If it's offered, take it.  (Do not, however, strong-arm anyone into accepting that kind of relationship -- it defeats the purpose.)  Personally, I have been blessed with a handful of outstanding protectors.  Not many.  I didn't think I needed any, of course, until I actually did need one.  Thank you, Sir Tony.  I suppose I don't thank you enough for the good that you did.  Protectors are mentors of a sort; they are wise counsel; they are an ear and a shoulder when necessary; and in the absence of a dominant who can take responsibility for decisions in the relationship, a protector can guide you through decisions that need to be made so that you don't necessarily end up with regrets at the end of that path.  (Two heads are better than one, eh?)  In the case of Sir Tony, not only was he a protector, but he knew how to create a meditative state and get to the source of things.  I keep those memories alive and I'm fortunate to have them: it was a healing time.

A year ago, I was writing about how the best was yet to come.  My journey into real submission had begun in earnest and I was opening legitimately.  I will not insult my own writing, a year ago, by claiming that I have any regrets.  After all, stories never end, and I am a patient person.  My decisions have come from a place of nobility and more care for someone else than for my own self: that means, I think, that I have never made a bad decision, even if it means that I have not indulged as other people indulge.  Integrity is my reward, I suppose.  While not a perfect analog, I recall a passage that flutters around my memory wanting to come out, from Memoirs of a Geisha:

     "Now, nearly forty years later, I sit here looking back on that evening with the Chairman as the moment when all the grieving voices within me fell silent.  Since the day I left Yoroido, I'd done nothing but worry that every turn of life's wheel would bring yet another obstacle into my path; and of course, it was the worrying and the struggle that had always made life so vividly real to me.  When we fight upstream against a rocky undercurrent, every foothold takes on a kind of urgency.

     "But life softened into something much more pleasant after the Chairman became my danna.  I began to feel like a tree whose roots had at last broken into the rich, wet soil deep beneath the surface.  I'd never before had occasion to think of myself as more fortunate than others, and yet now I was.  Though I must say, I lived in that contented state a long while before I was finally able to look back and admit how desolate my life had once been.  I'm sure I could never have told my story otherwise; I don't think any of us can speak frankly about pain until we are no longer enduring it."

The magician behind me

Anais Nin wrote, "I feel that from the very beginning life played a terrible conjurer's trick on me.  I lost faith in it.  It seems to me that every moment now it is playing tricks on me.  So that when I hear love I am not sure it is love, and when I hear gaiety I am not sure it is gaiety, and when I have eaten and loved and I am all warm from wine I am not sure it is wither love or food or wine, but a strange trick being played on me, an illusion, slippery and baffling and malicious, and a magician hangs behind me watching the ecstasy I feel at the things which happen so that I know deep down it is all fluid and escaping and may vanish at any moment.  Don't forget to write me a letter and tell me I was here, and I saw you and loved you and ate with you.  It is all so evanescent and I love it so much; I love it as you love the change in the days."


* * *

Something other.

I hear this statement quite a lot:  "I don't know if it's the orthodox way, but it's my way, and it works for me so I use it."  This comes from submissives who aren't sure if they are submitting "the right way," as well as dominants who declare that they follow nobody's rules but their own.  Naturally,  I would expect a dom to make his own rules, to do things his own way. That is how one cultivates one's environment, right?  One makes one's own rules, and one keeps to one's own code, and thus may a dom be rightly considered a dom(me).  And that dom will attract a certain kind of submissive following, one who respects this way of thinking.  That dom will not dom every person into submission without question -- haha! -- but rather, that dom will attract the like-minded into his circle and will, subsequently, experience the gift of some right-fitting submission when circumstances are appropriate.

This yields two things in my mind which I want to write down.

1)  A submissive personality is equally entitled to submit "her own way."  (Or his own way, of course; there are male submissives and I do not mean to alienate, but it's my submission I'm really talking about and I'm a "she" so subs are "she" in my mind for this blog.)  There is no "right way" to submit, just as there is no "right way" to dominate.  A person may submit only in the bedroom, or in all ways on all days, or to one person only or to a whole house of people.... there are so many variables and no submissive is any less or more acquiescent and obliging than the other.  Most importantly, it has been my experience that a sub can submit a whole lot more easily when she can respect the dominant.  Respect totally, wholly.  And respect comes with time and demonstration and patience etc... Not sex.  But it also comes from a demonstrated code, and that brings me to point number 2.

2)  A code of ethics is something that does not change from situation to situation.  Someone who adjusts one's conscience to suit the occasion does not abide by a code.  A variable ethical guide is, by definition, no ethical guide at all.  And actually it is one trait of mental instability to reject or refuse or resist a code of ethics.  A free-spirit is never to be tamed, of course: this is not what I am suggesting.  Rather, a mature spirit enjoys mature behaviour and takes comfort (and gives comfort) in the reliability of an established code that suggests ethics (morality, mutual benefit, the needs of the many and not just of the self) are not a chore.  

So on the one hand, I applaud those who say, "I will do this my own way," and on the other hand, while I applaud, I respect those who -- while doing it their own way -- adhere to a consistent code of morality and ethics that governs their behaviour in any situation that may present itself.  Take for example:  "I do not eat animals," to me, means "Ever, no matter the species, and no matter the expectation, no matter the day of week and no matter my own hunger -- for I do not believe I have any right higher than a beast to survive at the beast's expense, and that does not change.  Period."

If I am at a birthday party and someone says, "You must try this lambchop," that person can expect a "No thank you," because I do not change my value situationally.

If a dom says to me, "You should try this lambchop," then I would say, "No thank you."

If a dying woman says to me, "It is my final wish on this Earth that you should try this lambchop," then I would say, "No thank you."

I suppose what I mean is that there is a moral code by which I live which no man or woman, whether dom or parent or sub or sibling, can demolish (or, at least, so far so good!)  My submission does not mean that I violate any of my personal mores.  There is no test of obedience so important to me that I would sacrifice one of my values, no dominant so callous in my circle who would require such a horrible test.  "Foul times require foul tests," goes the saying, but my response is "No thank you."

My obedience comes from a profound respect for someone who abides by his own code and who does not waver from it.  The magician behind me laughs and throws more obstacles into my path, just to see if I have the courage of my conviction.  And I laugh in return.

Imbalance of power from the other side

Power imbalance from the bottom is an idea that doesn't (in my humble opinion) get enough exposure in the world.  It is part of the idea of "mental health" that is essential to peaceful and rewarding human relations: a balance of power in a power-exchange is the only way this is going to work.  The power must flow like circulating blood, to and fro, between the partners, an ebb and flow like tide and ocean.  The sun must not dry out the water supply without providing the relief of rain; the rain must not pour indefinitely without providing recovering spells of dryness.

It is an idea to meditate upon, for sure: it does not look the same for everybody.  It feels differently for everybody.  But we all know (or do we?) when our power is being drained without restoring it.

(I am not talking about topping from the bottom.  Sometimes a sub takes the top position if there is a power-vacuum and nobody else is taking control, and there's no whining about it:  if a dom wants the control back, it's there to take.  I am talking, instead, about a chronic abuse of power; a time-after-time lack of needs-met, and placing the blame squarely upon the shoulders of someone else.)

It has been my experience that people in dominant situations have drained me of all my good humour and loving disposition (historically, not presently) and it has been a good learning to discover I can prevent this from ever happening again.  My main source of frustration, historically, is the lack of self-governance -- the lack of mental clarity and self-respect among those who presume to dominate others.  (Sir Will, Sir Tony, Sir Dwight, Sir RB, and of course Tasdron -- you have a lot to teach the world about good mental health and I thank you for being such positive role models in the world.)  But what about if the roles were reversed?  What about submissives who drain the resources of a dominant?  Can a dominant personality recognize it and distance from it when it is happening, without feeling like a failure?

Just as a submissive might think, "I am a failed sub because I cannot obey every single thing he asks for..." when he is asking for too much, so can a dominant think, "I am a failed dom because I cannot govern her wild moods and incredible emotional outbursts, no matter how I try..." when she is asking for too much (time, attention, solitude, life-force, punishment, discipline, sex, whatever).

Finding the proper balance -- meeting the needs of others and meeting one's own regimen of personal care -- is the key, of course.  It is something to strive for daily.  It means dominating one's environment and one's life: it means a dom is really, through and through, a dom.  Of course there will be imbalanced days when one gives more than is restored, or when one takes more than one has given.  If this is a chronic, persistent state then the imbalance is unhealthy, obviously.  If this is acute and rare, on the other hand, it falls within the range of human experience that can reasonably be expected of people to handle.  We all have bad days, even bad weeks, right?  We bounce back and give back, later.

When the honeymoon between sub and dom is over and when the reality of day to day living comes into focus, the balance of power had also better come into focus.  And this touches on issues of compatibility: during the honeymoon everybody is on their best behaviour and high as a kite from all those happy oxytocin and seratonin bursts from cuddles and undivided attention.  But does that mean you both are compatible?  No; it just means you feel good together, physically.  Other elements such as common interests, common habits, common routines that take you both out of the house for a while, common friends, or common desires to keep separate spaces (for example) will determine overall compatibility which will, in turn, determine regular and healthy doses of oxytocin and seratonin.  Not to put too fine a point on it.  Time will tell, in other words, and so patience... patience... patience.

And what can go wrong?  Someone gets stuck in the honeymoon while the other moves on to more realistic living.  Or, someone's best behaviour becomes too exhausting to maintain.  Or, someone failed to spell out a few key expectations during the negotiation period.  Or, someone failed to negotiate at all.  So much can go wrong and that smile turns upside down.  How will the submissive react?  How will the dominant control the situation?  Is this a problem of communication within the relationship, or is this a mental health issue?  Is the dominant behaving according to his own code, and is the submissive deteriorating into an unmanageable mess regardless?  Are the two partners simply not finding their compatibility anymore, and is either one of them really to blame?

I would like to let both parties off the hook and propose that a) Domination works only when the submissive gives her power to be dominated; b) Submission works only when the dominant actively seeks to understand the wonderful complexities of that offering; c) Compatibility works only when both parties want it to; and d) If either one tries to suck the emotional blood of the other, there is no harm in cutting loose if that is what will save your life.  It is neither a failure of domination nor of submission if you must cut loose someone who drains you.  And there is nobody to blame, either: there is learning, and then there is flowing onward as the sun shines over the next hill.

* * *

Also, I really like this 10 quick tips to boost your seratonin.  This relates to physical and mental wellness, and frankly I do not trust a dominant (or a submissive!) who does not strive for perfect wellness.  (Nobody can achieve perfect wellness, but we can strive!  And keep striving.  It is a discipline that demonstrates the right attitude.)

Power, and Abuse of Power

Power is on my mind.  Again.  As always.  I have spent the last year learning of the careful dynamic of power between adults who give each other power safely, with sanity, and willingly.  The rules are so careful.  The rewards are so stimulating (and I mean emotionally, nevermind sex for a while... sex sex sex everywhere I look, the feeding famishes the craving!)  The rewards are so stimulating: as I remember speaking candidly, openly, honestly, being my true self, revealing my fears and revealing my pride, revealing the bits that need guiding and finding solace in humility, from time to time.  Finding solace behind the strong barriers and boundaries that I am capable of erecting and maintaining.  Finding solace among the like-minded.  Finding solace.  Power is on my mind, and I wish there were a way to elevate the level of discourse around the globe to address this idea of power.

Abuse of power ubiquitously fuels the day's news:  the rich cannibalize the poor in any modern society, including third world nations.  The female is in conflict with the male in India.  The law is in conflict with the prisoners in Sri Lanka.  The black is in conflict with the white in the USA.  The English are in conflict with the French in Canada.  The people are in conflict with the ruler of Spain.  The spiritual are in conflict with the corrupt in Tibet.  Aboriginal culture is in conflict with Modern Japan.  Palestinians forever in conflict with Israelis.  Artisans in conflict with The Machine in every nation: truth wants expression, and the silencing hand wants silence.  The power, thus, struggles.

People will say what they will about the Fifty Shades literary phenomenon: I defended it when it first arrived, and I'll defend it again, because the way the trilogy handles power is perfect.  Submission does not (in these books, or in my experience) equal "powerless."  Submission does not (in these books, or in my experience) equal "brainless."  Submission does not (in these books, or in my experience) equal "defenceless."  The trilogy illustrates this over, and over, and over, and over again.  Our beautiful heroine is young and strong: she was never introduced to the world of BDSM before the story begins (and hey, everybody needs introducing at some point!  We are not born experts...) and so her noobish questions and mistakes are familiar to anybody being honest with herself. Our beautiful heroine can hold her own against a physical assailant.  Our beautiful heroine can drive really well.  Our beautiful heroine is not afraid of food, adventure, or chasing a good story.  And, our beautiful heroine is not afraid to stand up to someone she loves and to whom she will submit in the bedroom -- if nowhere else.  Our beautiful heroine has a solid idea by the end of the trilogy exactly what kind of submission appeals to her (even if it is not everybody's idea of submission).  Without apology, she enjoys her version of bedroom submission.  Without apology, she takes back her power when someone threatens to abuse it, or whenever she requires it.  All of it.  

Abuse of power is everywhere in the world.  "Exchange" of power -- the BDSM power exchange --  means the Dom controls certain things and the sub controls certain things, and the division is neat and tidy -- a division I can understand and a rule that is clearly posted for any to see.  Signposts.  No surprises.  (Well, ideally, anyway.  Beware the whimsical dominant who never really learned about power.)  There is logic and care in a Dom/sub relationship that the vanilla world could learn from.  A collar may not protect me from all the potential abuses of power in the world, but it reminds me of exactly how powerful I am, and that reminds me of how strong I am, and that reminds me of my inner peace.

The Gardener

There is a euphemism in the BDSM community of "The Gardener," referring to the dominant or master -- he or she who tends the garden, provides the food and water, shapes the straightness of the growth of the blossom.  He or she who over-sees. And, by extension, the euphemism includes the tended plant's similarities to the submissive:  he or she who responds to the care, who takes nourishment and grows taller for it.

I note with amusement that this euphemism has nothing whatsoever to do with sex, kinky-sex, sadistic-sex, masochistic-sex, three-way sex, or tied-up sex.  The euphemism involves the practical relations between a dominant and a submissive: the dominant acts, and the submissive reacts (philosophically-speaking).

Of course when people who love each other collide and their wow-factors combust and the engines roar in triumph for having found each other, it is a natural progression in a relationship to explore the thousand playful ways of sexual intercourse.  And, of course, during sexual performance the dominant dominates and the submissive submits just as in other daily life-events.  But even a year later after beginning my journey of learning about real submission and domination, I am still amazed at the sexually-charged atmosphere of the BDSM communities I peek into.

Frankly, I don't see very many gardens.  The J2D sim is the closest I come to there being garden, nature, tree and blossom.  Water.  Growth.  Opportunity and potential.

I know, I know -- birds and bees are everywhere, and they pollinate and cross-pollinate and there is always the yawning genitalia of wide-open flowers just waiting for the penetrating probe of the next insect, everywhere one looks.  The fragrant perfume of such blooms attracts me and changes my state of being.  I love to immerse myself in a beautiful garden, and it is equally pleasing to surround myself with devoted and delighted submissive personalities.  Interested, aware, mannered and cultured, the submissive personality has the potential to achieve the heights of intellectual and emotional bliss.  There are fascinating people with unique experience, in this particular realm.

And yet, it is a rare find, that sweet person devoted to growing taller and shedding thorns.  So often, the submissive feels incomplete without a dominant at the other end of this conversation so that they grow distracted, unsatisfied, unreasonably sexually-charged and nearly violent with anxiety.  It is not another submissive she wants to speak with or to wander through the park and look at birds -- it is a dominant, ready to spank her and then sexually use her, half-clothed, without asking.

This, I am learning, is not a problem of submission and domination: this is a problem with emotional well-being in general.  This is a problem of mental health.  This is a problem of coming-online-only-when-horny, so that we never get to know the real person, sated and in equilibrium.  This is a problem of nymphomania -- a manic need for sex that, for as long as it goes unsatisfied, continues to grow in intensity and perversion.  This, I am learning, has nothing whatsoever to do with domination and submission, and frankly it should!

People cruelly-use other people not because the world is populated by cruelty and evil laughter, but rather because there is an epidemic of uncontrolled, unmastered emotion in the world.  Domination and submission is perfectly -- honestly, ideally -- suited for the self-mastering of emotion that is required to practice safe, sane, consenting performance.  This lifestyle is precisely where it should be (and can be) fixed.

Mastering and self-mastering are words that, outside of the BDSM universe, become diluted with overuse and inaccurate use.  Mastering and self-mastering are sorely needed in the general population so filled with anger and quick-to-judge assumptions.  To follow one who has the ability to discipline and to focus another person's energy into higher learning and higher understanding, zen-like peace and beneficial living habits -- oh how I wish this were a widespread practice among dominants and submissives!  To tend to gardens literally, and to prune and eliminate the weeds, these are behaviours that would make people and the world beautiful.  BDSM must be -- surely, it must be -- more than spanking and seeing how long we can hold our breath.

This is my journey, of course.  For those that need a spanking, I am overjoyed when you get it. For me, though, it is a garden that I wish to explore, and to get back to learning of the unique and interesting ways gardeners do their work with the beautiful flowers they labour around. I definitely need to get out more, like I used to.

The Dictionary, Page Eleven

Rendering is the word that begins the new year.  A joyous 2013 requires a joyous space for contemplation and so I have renovated the contemplation space.  It gets me in the mind-set required for "rendering."  What does that word mean?  It has several meanings, depending on the artistic or engineering or food-manufacturing contexts.

To render is to shade and texture something until it becomes the most "itself" it can possibly be.  It could mean the preserving of slight, tiny details that may otherwise be lost in production, thereby making "itself" the most "itself" it can possibly be.  It could also mean separating the "itself" from the layers of indigestible fat, red herring, white noise, grey smoke, invisible demons, and black thoughts that detract "itself" from its real self.

The relevance, then, to my ongoing journey:  it's a sidewinder, so I will try to clarify this for myself and any others who may someday find it interesting.  In a discussion about "pushing someone's limits" I thought very carefully about all the time during my D/s journey that I have spent trying to defend my personal limits against people who insist on pushing them instead of respecting them as I wish them to be.  As I mentioned to my friend in this discussion, it just feels to me like whenever I state a limit, someone is there to try to bust through it -- as though stating a personal limit were the equivalent of painting a bull's eye target on myself.  "But, pushing limits is how people grow," is the argument against.  And, I disagree.  It is not the only way people grow.  It is not the only way people try new things.  And it is not the concrete, definite, be-all-end-all rule that every Dominant or Master must push a submissive to do things that are uncomfortable.  It's written nowhere that this is "the only way" a D/s relationship may successfully exist and thrive in the world.

"But, you will stagnate and grow bored," is the argument against.  And, again, I disagree.  As I meditate on the idea of rendering, I think about the ways in which pain is removed from me -- not inflicted upon me.  As I meditate upon the idea of the getting-to-know, the sharing of imagination, the conversation and processing of the world together, the ways in which Tasdron gets to know me and offers perspectives that I had not thought of, the ways in which I may speak candidly and freely with him and unburden the sealed vaults of festering secrets or unleash the anxious chirping doves that are eager to fly, all the different ways that he takes care to preserve my essence while carving away the excess noise and sludge...  this process of rendering that takes place time after time, day after day, weeks and months on end... this process of rendering (that he would have me believe is mutual, in fact) is a process that does not involve substituting one pain for another but, rather, involves letting the real person come out.

The real person emerges.  And frankly, that's enough of a challenge for me, because it's been a long time since that's been a reality, and I didn't even realize it before.  This process of rendering requires trust and time and closeness and intimacy and care so that mistakes do not happen, of course, just like pushing limits requires.  But instead of pushing limits of endurance, it's a process of removing unnecessary endurance to free the soul and let experience be that much more gratifying.  And, thank you.  The peace is delightful from where I recline.

The Dictionary, Page Nine

Creation, is it.  When all I want to do is to write about forgiveness, and it is Creation that claims page nine of the dictionary.  Ah well.  So be it.

I have been looking forward to this post for a long time.  I thought it would never come.  I thought it would always elude me.  I thought it was for other people, not for me.  "Forgiveness is not something I can describe," they told me.  "It is letting go," others said.  "It is not letting them win," still others told me.  I could say the same about orgasm.  I could say the same about singing in tune.  I could say the same about finally mastering the trumpet.  

But now I can describe forgiveness.  I can describe it, because I feel it.  And I feel it because it is time.

a) It knows when it is time.  You won't control it.  If you control it, it is something else.  Forgiveness comes when it is time, and it's alright if you keep watching out the window.  It's alright if you watch this kettle boil.  In fact, the more you watch for it, the better.

b) It is about letting go -- but letting go of something very specific.  It is about letting go of a false sense of responsibility.  Yours, or theirs, or someone's -- you know which.  It knows which.  And it is an abandoning of a weight that has anchored you to a false sense of who you are.  This is why it's alright to keep watching for it.  Studying other people.  Whether or not they have a good sense of who they are, or whether they are still controlled by the anchor of "other."  If you tell people it is about letting go, make sure they realize: it is about letting go of something about yourself.  Something useless, now.

c) "But how can you forgive and never forget?"  Well, this will be meaningful someday, but for now you can have an intellectual answer to that question.  Intellectually, the forgiveness comes first.  Then, the choice of whether to forget or not.  But you're getting ahead of yourself.  Make sure you keep things in the right order.  Don't stop asking; but don't put your cart before your horse.

d) Forgiveness comes when you're in a safe room all by yourself.  And you're talking.  (Yes, talking.)  And you find yourself saying something kind and generous to that person you're trying to forgive.  You say, "Wow, I was nice to you there, did you see that?"  And in your head they say back, "I deserved nothing less!"  And out loud, you say to them, "Well, you crazy loon, I will be the judge of that, seeing as this is my room and all."  And then, the forgiveness happens:  you burst out laughing.

e) Yes.  Forgiveness is laughing.  Laughter is the truth.  Laughter is the fluttering of wings that takes it all away; the fluttering of wings that take flight and vanishes.  

SO...  I laughed.  I watched the thing dissolve.  I said to myself, I feel lighter.  It's alright, now.  I don't care what they think.   I don't care how they make decisions.   I don't care whether they condemn me.   I don't care whether they know I have forgiven them.   

Will I forget what they have done?  It doesn't matter!  I do not care!  Maybe I will.  All I need to remember, really, is to stay away from them.  Keep myself out of harm's way.  That is the part that lingers.  Forgive, yes, but say out of harm's way forever after.  There is no need to do it all again.  They don't get to break you twice.

All of this has been building up to that.   Now, I know my limits.  Now, I know my personal power.  Now, I know for sure.

Tasdron has been offering me opportunities to re-create myself.  We have re-created our world together.  We have re-created the safe place.  The experimental, negotiated place.  The before-care.  The after-care.  The ritual cleansing.  The ritual invocation.  The ritual exclamation.  

Now that I know what I needed to know, I can begin a new exploration and learn something new.  Learn how to live in a world forgiven.  With Tasdron's help, I will begin the act of creation -- he and I will create something new.

The Dictionary, Page Five

Worship comprises the fifth page of the dictionary of my submission, what words mean to me in the context of Tasdron Dryke.  Worship means, to me, a great big bowl of hyperbole -- exaggeration, excess, wanton slathering of meaning over something so ordinary as love.  And it's all I have, sometimes.  Sometimes, that great big bowl of excess and "too much" is all I have, so far away.  It makes it easier to bear, to use such words.  Too much, more than, ever in this whole world.

It makes it easier to conceive of "no ordinary love" when I imagine how I worship you (like a king) and how I adore you (like a Christ) and how I prostrate myself before you (like a Messiah).

Really it means that I obey you (like a king) and I listen to you (like a Christ) and I submit myself before you (like a Messiah).  You are not a king; you are of the same class as I am.  You are not a Christ; you are just clever, thoughtful, and ready to give love.  And you are not a messiah; you are American, brave, and free.  I know the reality of you; and yet, whenever we speak or whenever I feel close to you even if there is no speaking, despite the reality that I know (and I too am real, and I too know the vast gap between the statue on the plinth and the woman who keeps it pretty) I am compelled, time and again, to fall to my knees and look up to you and sing your praises as though I were a choir of hundreds of voices.  More hyperbole!  But it is as if, and therefore it is.  I think, therefore I worship.

It makes me feel good to know you are in the world.  And it makes me feel good to know that you can hear me.  It makes me feel good that you let me in, on days when you aren't filling my world with you, so that I can fill your world with me.  I lean on you.  You lean on me.  And I am blessed for it.  (And now I know why I chose this picture, and before that, why you chose this pose.)

"Worship" is just a word I use, sometimes, to indicate the way in which my imagination elevates you beyond the ordinary.  It is a word I use sometimes to indicate that, despite the reality of our worlds, my fantasy is to occupy a world where I may lift you so high with how much I love, and where you may bring me with you with how much you love.  You lean on me, and I lean on you, and this is how it works.  It reinforces the electrical current of the power we exchange; it doesn't sap it.

The Dictionary, Page Four

Submission is a timely topic (but isn't it always?) and this morning over coffee we wondered if perhaps submission had anything to do with turnips.  The taking of coffee together for the first time in years had clearly made us giddy.  We had been exchanging stories about what could possibly have been the nascent, beginning features of his dominant personality and my submissive personality.  Submission is a big deal to me and has been for the last several years; so much so that this past year I have undertaken a serious study of submission, bringing to bear the force and rigour of my mind as I would treat any other major idea in philosophy.  I have been well-rewarded for my efforts.  These conclusions I hold true, self-evident, and sacred:

1.  There is one person in all the world with whom I would never turn off the performance of my submission; and that person masters my submission truly.  Tasdron, time will not erase the good you have done for me.  No time, no place, no act can erase or negate the way in which you privilege our connection, and how you make me feel it.  There are good people in the world who do good deeds and who give regularly, and I am blessed to know them.  And, Tasdron, your goodness speaks to me like a soul-mate.

2.  The performance of my submission is the most natural, pleasing, fulfilling performance of my life.  To seek ways in which to perfect it for you; to seek ways in which to clarify it for you; to seek ways in which to demonstrate it before you; these are tasks I set myself.  And, any task that you lay upon me to fulfill, I believe such tasks achieve the same thing.  They are opportunities for me to love you.

3.  I understand, now, the meaning behind the picture that I love.  The blindfolded girl, and she smiles, and she kneels with hands in chalice-position, and she waits by an empty chair.  I understand the assignment that I was called to write about her, by my mentor.  I understand why I was compelled to send you that assignment, even though we had not spoken for a long time.  And I understand that, whether or not we can articulate such things, the truth of it rattled around inside us, continuing the journey for us even though we were (for a little while) focused elsewhere.  When I submitted to you years ago, I never stopped, even though we did not know how real we were at the time.  It was fun to play!  And it is also fun to do it for real.

4.  There is no cruelty in your domination; there is no weakness in my submission.  There is no weakness in your domination; there is no cruelty in my submission.  Tasdron, we have so much in common.  Where is the difference between us?  In the songs we sing to each other when the world is too much with us.  Your mastery; my submission; we understand each other.

5.  Submission does, very likely, come from turnips.  I am what I eat, after all.

The Dictionary, Page One

Everything changes with The One.

None of the old rules apply.  None of the old limits.  None of the old fears.  None of the old anxieties.  None of the old wondering, waiting, hopelessness.  None of the old, "That could never happen."  None of the old, "You won't find what you're looking for."   None of the old, "That is impossible."  None of the old, "Nobody wants that."  None of the old, "You will have to change things in order to fit."

Everything changes.  I paraphrase Tasdron: the D/s lifestyle only appears as a debasement of the submissive personality when the submissive gives herself to a dominant who does not feel curious about her, protective of her, intimately aware of her, and determined to provide for her the sheltered love that she seeks (whatever kind of love that is).  The erotic mind -- the mind finely attuned to the apprehension of desire and need and pleasure and love, and how these manifest at the time and place and point of the mind's position -- opens like a flower under the loving gaze of The One.

Intimacy, connection, submission, worship, chastity, adoration, service, creation, representation, rendering, capture, surrender, claiming, ritual, frame, solid, eternal, earthly, heavenly, sinfully, humility, revelation, giving, taking, ornamental, mastering, skillful, privacy, shield, ourselves, perfection.  I could write a dictionary of submission that was built just for me and me alone because of how Tasdron dominates me, and these are the words that would  -- in fact, that will --  headline each page.

How high, Sir?

"Obsequious," a word from the latin for compliant and yielding.  It carries a negative connotation in the modern day:  fawning, agreeing without critical thought, giving the illusion of agreement regardless of whether one truly agrees.  "Yes, Sir, how high would you like me to jump?  I will not ask why."

If I were dominant and seeking, I would feel naturally suspicious of a submissive who agreed with everything I said.  It would sound, to me, as though the submissive were kissing my ass for other reasons besides submission.  I would not trust her submission while she was agreeing without critical thought.  Yes, it is good and right that she trust me, if I were dominating her.  Yes, it is good and right that she believe I would not steer her wrong.  But I think I should tire very soon with someone who could not shade my perspective with different colours besides my own shades of grey.

Of course there are dominants who require absolute obedience and unquestioning faith.  Yes means yes and "how high?" is the only acceptable deviation.  Such an attitude reveals the difference between one who owns a slave's unquestioning obedience and one who exchanges power with a submissive otherwise-free-thinking person.   But, I digress.

The real élan, the real finessing, the extra special uniqueness that one submissive is capable of giving that is different from all the rest (and the real reason why she is loved by a dominant in ways that a dominant loves no other) is the way in which she makes compliance seem like right-reason.  Right action.  How "Yes, Sir" can seem perfectly logical and NOT obsequious.  How actions can be  critically considered AND obeyed without question, the opposites erased and replaced by pleasing mystery of the initiated.  The little submissions she performs in her decisions to obey each and every time so that you see (freshly every time) how she submits -- how massively those chains hang from her wrists and ankles and yet how lightly she bears the chains of her submission.

In other words, sounding obsequious is my anxiety, and practicing asserting myself and negotiating is my antidote.  (That is, if I don't already naturally and simply agree.)

Forgiveness and Ritual

I've explored how confession is one part of forgiveness.  I've explored how speaking some deeply, darkly buried truths is another part of forgiveness.  Also, there is a third part to the forgiving that comes from the safety and the sanctity of ritual.  To carve out a space sacred to one thing.  To wait until the right time.  To take the right amount of time and focus, dedicate to one task.  To confine oneself to one purpose and shut out the chattering noise of doubt and fear and anxiety.  To retreat from everything, just for a little while, and explore this sacred space made special because of the love that built the walls to keep love in and keep fear out.  In this space, during this time, focused and intent upon a single point, it is possible (if one is in the company of a true Master) to see into the darkness and to understand what cannot otherwise be understood.  I love to believe that people are capable of achieving monumental acts of courage in a relationship, and in fact that such is what relationships are for.  To be stronger together than the sum-potential of two separate souls.  People can help other people to forgive in a ritual space.  A Master is the architect of this ritual space and the navigator of these terrible waters, terrible only at sunset but not at the sunrise.  When I imagine an ideal relationship between a Master and his submissive, this is what I imagine it to be -- this sum potential of two souls, these willing architects whose pillars elevate each other to new seeing.

To forgive, to absolve, to let go 2

Forgiveness is a part of people's consciousness and people do talk about it.  I was looking at another blog here that offers a post on the matter from a man's perspective in his own family.

He says, "I decided that what was really missing here was my forgiveness, not my apology - so I forgave her in the car."

Was that some kind of gestalt exercise where one looks at the empty passenger seat, pretending there is a person there, and saying out loud, "You're forgiven, by me, for whatever you have done, you silly silly person."  It's not clear what he means by forgiving her in the car but, for cryin' out loud, that's what I'm trying to find -- that elusive magic instruction that tells me "this is how you do it."  What, do I have to get in the car?  Do I?  Is that all it takes?

Is that what Clint Eastwood tried to do with Obama-In-Absentia, the empty chair at the RNC last week -- forgive the president for making us take care of each other by talking to an empty chair pretending he was there?

Actually... there is a beautiful movie called Scorchers.  The main character, Splendid, has just married the man she loves, Dolan.  But she is afraid to have sex with him.  She just can't do it.  So, Splendid's father gets to the root of the problem.  And the root of the problem is complicated.  Splendid's mom died during childbirth, died when Splendid was being born.  She feels guilty, our Splendid does, for even being alive, nevermind for being freshly married and so pretty and lucky enough to look like her mom.  And now it is time to complete the circle and to have a husband of her own and to make a new family for the next generation -- and Splendid just can't do it.  So, her dad makes her talk to an empty chair.

Put your mama in that chair and talk to her, he says to our Splendid.  Tell her everything.  Tell her how it is.

It is powerful and beautiful, how the movie unfolds thereafter.  There is forgiveness there; and it is not possible to put into words how it happens.  That elusive magic instruction that says "this is how you do it" is really not possible to articulate because, oh well, it's going to be different for everybody.  The only common thing they share, I suppose, is that it involves speaking that deep dark truth that was hiding in the shadows for a long time.

Chastity and Online D/s

I attended a discussion yesterday that began as an open-forum talk-about-what-you-want munch and resulted in a very interesting discussion about chastity.  I asked the question, "did anybody attend the chastity discussion of the night before which I was forced to miss" because I am interested in what the general D/s community public has to say on the matter.  Sadly (to me), the answer came back that the discussion I missed had actually been all about sexual stimulation.  Orgasm control and such things -- which I do not regard with any critical view as "chastity."  So then I asked the question, do you think discussions of chastity would go over well in this community?  The answer was a resounding yes!

Apparently there is, in fact, a growing trend of submissives in Second Life who, like me, don't throw it all about, as it were.  In fact, the idea of holding oneself "in trust" for one's eventual Master or Mistress is more common than I'd thought!  And even then, there is also a growing trend of chastity within an established relationship.  Submissives who have chosen a dominant may still, in the online world of Second Life, require "no sex" as a limit.  She is still a rare bird, she is, who will enforce that kind of limit.  However, it's not unheard of, and I regard it as a very sensible thing to do for many reasons (common-sense reasons that many security professionals have already imparted all over the internet).

Submission is not simply a sexual service.  And, if a dominant has his eye on a particular submissive who has proven that she is disciplined with her body and her mind and her endeavours, that is an attractive bird indeed, is she not?  If I were a dom looking for a submissive girl, I would want one who demonstrates that she is not a crawling, whimpering mess of appetites.  Even for the very simple reason that such a bird doesn't tend to carry a lot of baggage a dom will have to deal with.  And I have baggage issues, so that is why the no-baggage idea is so attractive to me.  Anyway.  Moving along.

Submission is not simply a sexual service.  Vulnerability of submission implies naked, bare, stripped, transparent and raw presentation -- and that is what a lot of my photography aims to capture in fact.  Without necessarily capturing a sexual experience, if that makes sense.  Gender, yes.  Vulnerable, yes.  Sexual, not necessarily.  I, myself, explore the idea of submission in a chaste way.  At first, I thought I was alone in the world -- but now I realize there is at least one other person (and maybe ten!) who believe in this method.

Submission is not simply a sexual service.  I am, however, obligated to further contextualize the adorable  part of that discussion, and it's as good a punch-line as any.  It does, I'm afraid, slightly burst the bubble that I have admired for the duration of this post.  In an admittedly adorable way.  But I don't mind -- at least I've started the conversation.  So, here it is:  when I asked the question about whether or not discussions about actual chastity would be a good idea (and keep in mind, my question is whether DISCUSSIONS would be a good idea, not whether chastity would be a good idea), a very good-looking and articulate man in attendance immediately offered the comment, "I would really like to encourage this idea of chastity, this way of thinking, yes, a very good line of inquiry."  And suddenly, all the girls present were like, "Oh I'm chaste.  Oh yes me too.  Oh I have been for a long time.  Oh totally chaste.  Me too, Me too!  I still have orgasms but I'm chaste.  Oh yes you have to have SOME orgasms, but yes otherwise very chaste."  Et cetera.

Well, whatever it takes, my sisters.  Whatever it takes.  So there you have it: there is (now) a growing trend towards chaste living in the online D/s community in Second Life.

Mastering the Light

Once upon a time, I wandered into the darkness, seeking.  Then, things happened.  Then, I learned something.  Now, I come out of the darkness and back into the light, having learned something.  I breathe the fresh air, and I look around at the blue sky.

I'm not finished my learning; not at all.

I'm looking from a different angle, though.  I thought it was darkness that compelled me through the woods.  I realize now, though, that things have changed and I am better able to articulate what I need -- and articulate to the proper people.  It's not darkness I need: it's mastery of the light.

Just like in photography: the trick to a good photo is the use of light.  The trick to an interesting subject, one that compels us to look and understand, is the story.  What is she doing, where has she come from, and where is she going?  The present, the past, and the future of a story.  Only connect.

And as such, as I begin my mastery of the light, I celebrate one very important revelation.  It's a thread that has spun round me for a few months now and finally terminates in a pretty bow laced to my frilly blouse-collar:  are you sure what you're looking for is a D/s dynamic, he had asked?  It's an honest question.  The question arose because I was resistant to many things one traditionally associates with BDSM, namely the wide array of kinks on offer.  They simply do not turn me on.  Are you sure, came the question.  Of course! was my reply.  But that thread still hung loosely, nagging me.

And then it occurred to me.  Eureka! I do not need kinks to enjoy submission.  I may, actually, enjoy submission for the sake of submission.  It may very well be that I simply enjoy submission; the power exchange; without necessarily needing to bring a chicken, a crop, a deck of cards, and a blindfold into the room at the same time.  (Note well:  I am not only kink-tolerant, I am kink-encouraging!  I think people should have fun and do what they love to do.  I do not disparage "kink."  I simply think that kink is for others.  Or, well.  Usually.)

People may enjoy the delights of kink even in a non-D/s dynamic.  One does not have to be submissive to enjoy the unique sensation of a drop of wax on one's inner wrist.  One does not have to be submissive to enjoy the feeling of clamps, stamps, needles or blades, pins, fins, broomsticks and spades.  One may enjoy these things all on one's own, or with a friend, or with a lover, with an equal, or with a stranger... there are many ways one may enjoy a kink without actually submitting to an exchange of power in the process.

Plain and simple: I am not a kinky submissive.  There are times (naturally) when fantasies arise and these fantasies do not resemble my daily routine in the least.  (I do not live in a Chateau or own a posture collar in my real world; and so these things are delicious in fantasy play.)  But I have discovered that these fantasies arise less and less frequently as I engage more and more fully with my present.  My every-day.  My heart and soul and hearth.  The LIGHT in my life.  As I begin to embrace what is lightness in my world, the darkness recedes into the distance.  It may not be such a difficult transition into the real world, after all.

Topping from the Bottom

"TFB" or Topping from the Bottom is a phenomenon that is as misunderstood as any other part of a dominance and submission relationship, if one is new to the scene and learning from under-informed people.  I read something today, though, that has explained the idea to me brilliantly.  My excellent mentor has given a notecard to me something to read called "A Dominant's Promise" and it is all about D/s communication.  And after reading this notecard, I see very clearly how mature, shameless communication forms the architecture of the ideal dominant and submissive union.  The perfect union is possible; but not without sharing your dreams and needs openly and honestly.

In the mildest form, topping from the bottom (or, when a submissive tries to control a dominant) is a result of improper manners and improper communication.  And, manners are easily corrected.  If the submissive respects the dominant, and if the dominant respects the submissive, the correction will hold. If there is no respect, though, there's a bigger problem to deal with.

In worse forms, topping from the bottom is a deliberate and calculated manipulation of the dominant.   "I will not do that for you, and if you ask me to do it again, I will leave you."  This is something the immature personality declares.  It is the submissive equivalent of the dominant's, "If you don't obey me, you are a terrible submissive."  Topping from the bottom at its worst is just plain old bullying.  The brat who bullies to get her way does not need further indulgence: she is a bad nut and should be thrown in the trash like Veruca Salt.

The best part about this particular notecard, though, is its incredible maturity of thought.  It takes sophistication to understand this concept, and we must never take for granted that everybody CAN understand it, because not everybody has achieved the same level of maturity.  Here is the concept:

Sometimes, for some people, it is a fun fantasy to behave like a brat and to be punished for being a brat.  In fantasy.  Just like, sometimes, for some people, it is a fun fantasy to pretend to be in the Story of O and to be forced into doing things that we wouldn't normally.  In fantasy.  And so in order to accommodate those fantasies, a D/s couple talks about them.  Asks for them honestly, openly, without shame.  Figures out a way to do it so that it can be done, and so that both parties understand the difference between fantasy and reality.  Mature communication can achieve this.  Selfish demands and petulant pouting cannot.  "You should have known," doesn't solve anything.  Nobody is a mind-reader.  Maturity asks for what it wants, clearly and specifically, and then enjoys getting it.  Immaturity rants and froths and foams and, ultimately, fails.

Everybody's Version of Paga Servin'

I'm dreaming of water.  I would really like to be wandering through a shallow stream right now.  Instead, the guru that I follow has put me in secluded shackles for three days, but that is another story.  So here I sit, far from prying eyes, way up high in the sky.  People come and go down below, while I sit here, and so I open up their profiles and I read.  And I get to see (sometimes) how they prefer things, how they do things.  I get to see "other."

One profile in particular struck me as interesting, and it involves the negotiation process in surrendering oneself to a man's collar.  He says in his profile that the submissive's consent happens when she puts the collar on, and then anything thereafter is taken for granted.  There is no need to negotiate or consent after that:  once the collar is on, the man's word goes, full stop.  And his profile was very lucid and common-sense up until that point.  Obviously he is a man who knows what he is looking for, and what he is looking for is a slave.  More specifically, a slave who is content to abandon all her rights with that one word of consent.

Another profile in particular struck me as interesting: a woman who says, quite clearly, that the negotiation process is ongoing for the entire duration of the relationship with her ideal man.  Her ideal man is submissive (and not stupid); her ideal man can think for himself but chooses to let her make all the important decisions, and in fact begs her to make all the important decisions; her ideal man enjoys her sense of humour and her sense of sadism; and her ideal man will not crumble if she does not log in for 2 days, because they always know when they will meet next.  She didn't call him a slave; and the man's profile above did not call his "ideal" submissive a slave either; but I wonder now at the word "submissive" in this lifestyle.  It is not a word anybody can take for granted.

People can't take for granted that "their way" is THE way.  There is no such thing as THE way to dominate, or THE way to submit, anyway.  There is simply the way we want when it comes to relationships -- and finding someone who wants the same thing that you do.  D/s is a very specialized architecture for relations between people: and, as one person said in a discussion recently, D/s is a power exchange, not a hostile takeover.  In other words, both partners get something out of it.  That guy who believes that consent comes with wearing the collar and there's no more need for negotiation?  He can probably find someone to buy in to those conditions, sure -- but that's not everybody's idea of submission.  The lady who wants the man to beg for all important decisions to be made by her but who can still retain a measure of his own independence?  She'll find what she's looking for, too, no doubt; but that's not everybody's idea of submission.  Neither one practices "the right way" to do things.  In the D/s world (like in the mainstream, vanilla, everyday world) if you don't beg, you don't get.

Truth

 Mistress Steel's collection of learnings  was my first "how to" manual of BDSM and the D/s lifestyle.  I have read and re-read the articles herein.  Each time, I am refreshed.  What strikes me this time is truth.  In the "24/7" article, she writes:  "It becomes crucial to say clearly exactly what you mean and to listen carefully to hear exactly what your partner says to you.  We have often been taught to try to say what we believe other people wish to hear instead of the truth.  Truth alone can be blunt and unkind, but it is the edge of the blade that does far less damage than a blade that is blunted by false veneers.  Honesty is essential.  Hiding or masking anything will quickly lead into a morass of problems and, most often, the severing of the relationship's potential."

Lately, I have been tasked with writing down my thoughts during scheduled moments of meditation so that we can discuss them later.  I remember the first time I thought I had bad news to deliver: I had meditated on limits and I was about to impose them.  I was not sure how that would be received, and I could feel the anxiety rise.  How do you deliver unpopular news to someone you respect?  How do you tell someone whom you value that you are about to place limitations on the relationship?

Personally, I believe in the Mistress Steel philosophy:  the cutting blow of truth hurts, but it doesn't hurt as much as repeated blows from a blunt object that didn't do the job right the first time, or the second, or the third.  A clean break is a mercy.  A person can work with a clean, clearly-stated truth; people are strong (regardless of how they might protest to the contrary).  Speaking for myself, I would rather hear a clean, clearly-stated truth (i.e. "It's not working out, but we gave it a good try.  Let's end this thing.") than to be left in the dark, second-guessing myself, wondering when and if and how and whether... Speak, say it, define it, bind it, and let go.  Truth is a necessary condition of maturity.  I suppose that I take it for granted that a dominant personality will speak truth to me -- will, at the very least, be able to deliver unpopular news to me with a clean blow so that I can deal with it.  If a dominant personality cannot deliver unpopular news with the same conviction as good news, then it warrants examination.  Even doms have limits and the right to assert them.  As a submissive personality, I look to them -- to one especially -- to give it to me straight and clean.

I relate the ability to tell the truth to the ability to define limits and boundaries.  The ability to say 'Stop!' when it is time.  The ability to assert, "This far, and no further."  The ability to say, "I think I have made a mistake, can you help me?"  The ability to say, "I have needs, and you cannot meet them if you continue this way."  The ability to say, "I thought I was going to like this, and now I realize I do not."  The ability to say, "Damn, that was harder than I thought it was going to be."  Speaking truth to power is not easy, sometimes, but how else are we going to enjoy our lives if we cannot speak truth to power?  How else are we going to live in a world of conflicting needs and competing desires without the ability to say, "Enough; now it is time for my needs."  Of course, a person needs a nice safe place to be able to speak the truth and have it heard as truth, and have it analyzed and discussed as human beings.  A person needs a safe place, lots of patience, great understanding, and a curious spirit engaged in getting to the source of things... yes yes.  These things I also take for granted.  A person must want to live with truth, for starters.  And that is another reason why I am so blessed with the people I know and love.

Collars, Protectors, Mentors, and Learning

I attended a discussion yesterday that was, ostensibly, about collars but which ended up being more a dissection of the "protector" dynamic in Second Life BDSM (and I suppose also a little bit of real life crept in there too).  It is a very good idea to attend discussions when one is new to the D/s lifestyle because, honestly, there is so much that we take for granted and so much that goes unexamined in our lives -- and this is a very safe place to dissect these things and examine them properly in the presence of a variety of other lifestylers, experts, newbies, and seekers.  Discussions are helpful.  What is even more helpful, I find, is that I must (and WANT to) discuss the learnings now with House Sparta so that we share the experience and digest the points raised, together.  Collars are on my mind, lately, and so it was a timely discussion with some interesting points to make.

What surprised me the most is how problematic the idea of a "protector" is to many in the community -- many people whom I do quite admire, moreover.  The idea of a "protector" role that could be manipulated or taken advantage of was not surprising to them.  The idea that people will abuse the role of protector (or even abuse the role of mentor)  was not surprising to them.  The idea that people will abuse the idea of a protection collar and not just the role itself was also no great surprise to anybody (i.e. perhaps the Dominant will not grant the collar but he still wishes the submissive person to submit totally and wholly; or perhaps the Dominant does grant the collar but then completely ignores the responsibilities associated with it; or perhaps the submissive manipulates the Dominant into being able to wear his collar for purposes of false protection, but now she can boast to other people that she wears his collar completely... these kinds of things).  No great surprise.  Happens all the time.  Yikes, I said to myself.  One girl said in the discussion that the protector is someone who will always be available, forever after; but that the NEED for protection does not last forever.  The purpose of protection is to get the girl out into the world on her own two feet, eventually.  The purpose of protection is to set the girl free, eventually.  The purpose is to teach, to guide, to shield, and to nurture.  And I kind of like that ideal.  (And the girl who said it actually has all that, herself, so obviously it is possible!  And I believe that it is what I have, also.)

The idea of mentors was a big hit for everybody: people are getting hip to the benefits.  I am so glad.  The idea of a training collar is "a joke" apparently, and I was grateful to see that I am not the only person who thinks so.  (Why groom a girl in conditioning and repetitive tasks and make her learn all your preferences if you're not going to keep her?  It does not make -- and never has made -- any sense to me.)  The idea of a play-collar was a little bit scary to some folks, like the fashion collar and like the protection collar: it gets abused.  One Dom said something interesting:  putting a collar on a submissive, no matter what kind of 'alternative' collar you call it, will create certain expectations (a collar looks like a collar; the protection collar doesn't look any different from a full collar; and a fashion collar looks identical to the real thing too).  It is something to think about.  But the idea that there are "weaker" collars in the world seems to make other people (who have "real" collars) nervous.  Does the idea of a part-time collar lessen the value of the real collar?  Does the idea of a "bedroom submissive" lessen the value of a total-power-exchange slave?  Would a girl in a house feel like her collar were undervalued if her Dominant gave away his collar freely to many other girls in the world?  These are all questions that come up when we discuss collars.  They all have the same answer, though, as far as I can tell:  discuss it with your Dominant.  In my case, discuss it with House Sparta, because my protector and his submissive Klaudia are two of the smartest people I know.

Only Connect

The guiding principle behind E. M. Forster's Howard's End, "Only Connect."  I have attended a discussion today about Shelf-Sitting Submissives, a phenomenon whereby a submissive waits (almost interminably) for her dominant to come back and pay attention to her, requiring the underlying assumptions: a) there is no communication about how and when the Dominant will arrive, b) there is no communication about if the Dominant will arrive, c) there is no communication about what kind of waiting is actually required of the submissive i.e. is the submissive allowed to entertain the company of other dominants (chastely or otherwise), and is the submissive allowed to entertain the company of other submissives (to discuss the ways of the world and the mechanics of the D/s lifestyle from peer-perspectives); and/or d) there is no communication about anything else that is terribly important to the feelings, heart, soul, and well-being of both parties in the D/s relationship.  There is no communication, really, and it makes a person feel really low.  Unimportant.  No longer valued.  Not a priority.  Unloved... depending on the self-esteem of the person to begin with.

Only connect.  I am protected by a Dominant who expects me to communicate.  Regularly.  I am protected by a Dominant who has a set, fixed time that I can reasonably expect to meet him in-world.  I am protected by a Dominant who expects me to transparently live in such a way so that he CAN protect me: he knows where I am; he knows what I wish to learn; he knows when and why I am here; and he WANTS to know.  These expectations make me feel loved.  I am protected by a Dominant who says it is incumbent upon HIM to make sure the lines of communication remain open, and to make sure that I obey his expectations about keeping in communication and keeping honest and keeping the energy flow... keeping the power exchange alive.  It's his responsibility; it's my submission; it is our ongoing relationship.  This requires effort and energy on his part.  This requires time invested on his part.  And time invested on my part.  And this time and investment make me feel wanted, make me feel like I'm important.  He protects me, but here's the crux:  his protection is of my feelings.  My feelings are my most vulnerable part of me, and that's what he protects with his protocol of Domination.  He makes sure my feelings are healthy, fine, wanted, and attended to.  This is how he protects me, and this is what protection means.  Only connect -- it's not a secret to a healthy relationship... it is available to everybody.