Topping from the Bottom

"TFB" or Topping from the Bottom is a phenomenon that is as misunderstood as any other part of a dominance and submission relationship, if one is new to the scene and learning from under-informed people.  I read something today, though, that has explained the idea to me brilliantly.  My excellent mentor has given a notecard to me something to read called "A Dominant's Promise" and it is all about D/s communication.  And after reading this notecard, I see very clearly how mature, shameless communication forms the architecture of the ideal dominant and submissive union.  The perfect union is possible; but not without sharing your dreams and needs openly and honestly.

In the mildest form, topping from the bottom (or, when a submissive tries to control a dominant) is a result of improper manners and improper communication.  And, manners are easily corrected.  If the submissive respects the dominant, and if the dominant respects the submissive, the correction will hold. If there is no respect, though, there's a bigger problem to deal with.

In worse forms, topping from the bottom is a deliberate and calculated manipulation of the dominant.   "I will not do that for you, and if you ask me to do it again, I will leave you."  This is something the immature personality declares.  It is the submissive equivalent of the dominant's, "If you don't obey me, you are a terrible submissive."  Topping from the bottom at its worst is just plain old bullying.  The brat who bullies to get her way does not need further indulgence: she is a bad nut and should be thrown in the trash like Veruca Salt.

The best part about this particular notecard, though, is its incredible maturity of thought.  It takes sophistication to understand this concept, and we must never take for granted that everybody CAN understand it, because not everybody has achieved the same level of maturity.  Here is the concept:

Sometimes, for some people, it is a fun fantasy to behave like a brat and to be punished for being a brat.  In fantasy.  Just like, sometimes, for some people, it is a fun fantasy to pretend to be in the Story of O and to be forced into doing things that we wouldn't normally.  In fantasy.  And so in order to accommodate those fantasies, a D/s couple talks about them.  Asks for them honestly, openly, without shame.  Figures out a way to do it so that it can be done, and so that both parties understand the difference between fantasy and reality.  Mature communication can achieve this.  Selfish demands and petulant pouting cannot.  "You should have known," doesn't solve anything.  Nobody is a mind-reader.  Maturity asks for what it wants, clearly and specifically, and then enjoys getting it.  Immaturity rants and froths and foams and, ultimately, fails.