Discipline - The Self

I was asked, recently, "Are you sure what you're looking for is a D/s relationship," given that, apparently, I long for something that sounds unusual, a contrast to the "normal" way of doing things.

"Yes," I assert gently and truly, "of course a D/s relationship is what I'm looking for.  I already know this.  I'm already there, in my mind.  That is fundamental.  That is basic."   I imagine a gardener with a bonsai.  I imagine a man older, wiser, full of humour.  I imagine he shapes, painstakingly (but not every day... only when it is time), as the natural shape of me emerges from his pruning.  When he is not tending the garden, he is enjoying the garden: he lets me give back, whether in silence or in active pleasure.  When he is at liberty.  When it is easy.  And only then.  There is no "pretend" attention; there is attention or there is space.  You, when  You come, will be a wizard and an artist with shibari.  And the iron of Your chain-leash will be strong.  And Your collar that I wear will be thick and obvious, well-made, substantial.  Warm, rounded, well-wrought metal and leather.  Something strong and masculine around my slender neck.

My future Master, without those things, why else would I seek You?  That, to me, is You.  I need You to discipline and shape this part of me.  And because You have already mastered Yourself, You will know how to master me.  You already know how I complete You; and what I will do for You; and how Your garden will become the great prize for the bonsai that, shaped by You, defines the evidence and skill of Your mastery.

While I wait, I discipline myself.  I discipline my mind.  I (re)learn the geisha manners of love and humility, entertaining and specialties in arts.  It occurs to me that there will never be One who wishes to master me who does not enjoy a geisha's beauty (and make no mistake -- a geisha is not for everybody!  Of what use is a woman who serves by talking or playing the shamisen?  Of what use is a woman who serves by delighting the mind and the eyes with light and surprise? A geisha is not for everybody.)  I continue to shape my intellect, curve my responses, sculpt my disciplines.  I do this because it softens the sharpness of my need, so that my patience blossoms.  I do this so that I have something still more to offer You, when You do come.  I already know what You will do to me; and I already love how I will submit to You.

And, that is enough for me: it is as if You are already here.  I enclose myself within this garden, and I admit none who is not You.

The Unseen Gardener

As I was landscaping my home in Second Life, I realized when it was finished that it really did need a gardener to pare-back and prune the out-of-control wilderness that seems to be without fail my instinctive landscape setting.  There's green everywhere: on land, in the water, in the house.  Life occupies all available space, by rule and nature, and I make it so.

It made me chuckle to realize that a person can gleen volumes of information simply by observing the way a girl handles simple decisions.  How to set a table; where someone gets honoured; what comforts are provided; what fantasies are struggling; what comes easily; what comes with great effort.  And especially, where does she enjoy putting her effort, tirelessly, endlessly, and for what reason?

There is a table setting with breakfast prepared, outside in the morning sun.  There is a rock-garden beside the table-setting, lilies and water flowing around the solid stones.  The daisies grow wildly but are stopped suddenly with the house's foundation.  From that boundary inward, civilization dominates.  The only green that grows, thereafter, is inside, carefully potted, resting comfortably in its stationary posture and tended to daily by loving hands.

And there is a quiet space inside the house, room for a lone figure suspended from a strong pendant.  Comfortable seating and the feet never touch the ground.  Time for contemplation and even meditation if the mind is of a mood.  Because it is a space where a mind can bend towards the light of understanding.  On my journey of key learnings, I have come to understand more and more about myself, and especially as a result of this blog here for which I find myself grateful.  Journey to Dominance and Submission has been a good read.

It is a journey.  It is a journey filled with frustration and with joy, too.  It is a journey filled with deceit, but it is also filled with opportunities for discovering honesty.  The garden is not just blossom and leaf: the garden comprises muck and fertilizer, worm and slug as much as it comprises air, water, sunlight, and sweet dark corners.  The green stems grow amid immovable rock; water-waves crash over immovable rock; pretty pink lilies open all around immovable rock; the burning sun and driving rain blast down upon immovable rock. Life happens all around immovable rock.  I will know the right rock when it welcomes me.