Limits

I read so often in D/s literature that a submissive without limits is not as attractive as a submissive with limits.  I like Connor's take on limits very much, actually.  In his post about limits, wherein he talks about hard limits, conditional limits, soft limits, every kind of limits... he talks about how it is an accepted perspective in our lifestyle that limits are supposed to be pushed, and that is how a person grows.  I usually object to statements like that, but what makes this one different is that he tempers the idea by saying that to continually push limits would have us all committing "crimes against humanity" eventually.  Why bother declaring a limit if a person is just going to ignore it?   I have fought about this with lots of folks along the way:  my limits are damned sacred and they are not for pushing.  My limits really do mean, "this far, and no farther."    But, I suppose, I do not use my limits for growth.  My limits are not a tool.  My limits mean, "There is nothing else past this line for you to see.  This means you."

House Sparta calls that a boundary, the idea of "this far, and no farther."  Fine with me.  I will call a boundary a boundary if it means "this far, and no farther."   In the spirit of tolerance and respect, I can understand that sometimes people set limits that, over time, they grow past (if they want to) with the right kind of incentive.   But I object to the idea of "growing past" a limit, as if a limit by default were some kind of defect that needed help or some kind of stunted growth.  I think that is a dangerous assumption to make.  Not all who wander are lost; not all who limit are broken.  Feeling a part of House Sparta, as I do now, I know that my personal limits are safe as if twenty gods stood guard for me.  And, accordingly, because I feel so safe with my limits, I make sure they do with theirs too.

I have been meditating on and exploring the idea of limits.  I hadn't declared any limits because I still considered myself a student and not really a practitioner.  I didn't really need them.  I realize, though, that it is a good idea to declare them.  To think carefully, to understand what it is that we declare when we say "this far, and no farther."   "This far, and no farther," reflects a person's personality.  Some people say "anything goes" and those are the people (according to the literature) whose expectations are difficult to meet and who often do not know the meaning of "anything."  Defining limits demonstrates personality.  So I have been thinking, and I have been coming to some helpful (to myself) conclusions about where and when I say, "This far, and no further."   I do not have many limits, and I do not have many boundaries, but they are real and they are hard.  And I like being able to enforce that.  My limits and my boundaries protect someone else, actually, so that means they are especially unbreakable.  And I like that I do not need to change them if I do not feel like it, and I can be right about it.

I want to take you for granted

I sat back today and considered a few things.  There are words that we speak but people do not understand them.  Or, people put their own spin on them.  Or, people mis-hear them.  Or, people forget that we spoke them.  Or a hundred other ways that people may mis-communicate.  And it occurs to me that a solid relationship is not just about finding someone whose interests match, whose temper matches, whose sense of humour (or sense of the macabre!) matches.  It's also about finding someone who communicates in the same way -- and who understands communication in the same way.  I think about all the different ways a person can understand the term, "to take for granted" and I shudder at all the different ways such a phrase can turn sour.  "To take as granted," or "to feel as though it is simply granted, no waiting, no request," or "to take without asking," or "to assume based on a history of past decisions."  When I think about You, I imagine the sentence as the latter definition.  A history of past decisions, of past consistencies, of past agreements, of past affirmations, of past pleasures, of past anticipations, that history between us makes me take You for granted.  Makes You able to take me for granted.  Willingly.

Something in other news, related only by language:
I read today some passages about erotic humiliation.  No reason; I simply wished to see how the other half lives, I suppose.  It amused me to see, "Require permission to do anything" as listed in the erotic humiliation category.  And then I had to sit back and start considering a few things, which spawned this post.  "Derogatory words like slut and whore" and "use as a piece of furniture" are erotic humiliation just as is "requiring permission to do anything."  Then it exploded like a giant, fiery dawn at the break of day:  so many of the online BDSM attitudes in Second Life involve the erotic humiliation of submissives, whether they wish it or not.  Even beyond BDSM, the Gorean enslavement of women online is predicated upon this theory (i.e a Gorean slave is trained to ask permission for every minute thing, feel comfortable wearing the title "slut" and feel comfortable serving as furniture without the respect due humans-- a sexy enough fantasy with the right practitioners).  No wonder there is such confusion and lack of clarity in the world: people take it for granted that this one way is the established way, never question it or interrogate it or challenge it (because it goes against erotic humiliation for a submissive to exercise a challenge function) and the online community of BDSM continues to be full of libraries that propagate erotic humiliation of submissives -- whether the submissive wants it or not.  It was quite a eureka, this idea of what we take for granted.  What we want to take for granted.  What we do take for granted without even realizing it.  I'm not sure I need to ask permission for every single thing.  And, I'm not sure I need humiliating words like "slut" and "whore" to feel stimulated into arousal.  That's just me, though.  The "place him or her in a cage" part of erotic humiliation most definitely has a place in my vocabulary, under the right circumstances.  And, well, "naked in public" feeds more than a simple desire for display that I am, apparently, cultivating.

Self-Esteem

Once again, I realize how lucky I am.  Going back over the mentoring interactions with Genny, one thing strikes me now more clearly than anything:  this is a personal journey.  All of my assignments are designed for me to figure out who I am in a submissive relationship and what I want, and how I am prepared to live, and what it is that I see, and my vision, and my personal and unique way of expressing myself submissively.  Genny hasn't handed me a template and an instruction booklet on how to fit myself into this template:  Genny is getting me to explore who I am.  I am really lucky:  she is a great friend in the D/s lifestyle, and she isn't trying to change me, or shatter me, or break me down, or use me, or take advantage of me.  Or screw me, for that matter.  Instead, she gives me the equivalent of, "Here is my time, make something extraordinary with it, show what you can do." And, so, I do.  And every time I do, I come away with many meditations on the D/s lifestyle, and these meditations I carry with me and mull over as I move through the world, looking at the butterflies, making every moment a learning moment.
Whether deliberate or accidental, what Genny has done for me is to increase my self-esteem.  By letting me explore what it is that I want from this lifestyle, and by letting me express myself in ways meaningful to me, she has increased my self-esteem.  She has increased my power.  Well, I have increased my power: I know that it's all down to me, in the end, and if I asked Genny she would say, "I haven't increased your power; you did that."  But what Genny has done is to facilitate, enable, and witness it.  And consequently, I feel good.

Self-esteem is a big deal to my newfound "Masterful Expertise" Mr. Dennis Najee.  He states a very basic relationship principle here, and I agree with him 100%.  I quote: "The truth is that only those with a solid self-esteem can be in healthy relationships. Even in a power exchange situation, it is crucial that both people be on solid footing with their self-worth.  Again, and I cannot stress this enough, both parties need to look within for that value.  A slave is not valuable because of what she does; rather, her value is because of who she is.  Her awakening in the morning is all she needs to have merit.  Everything else flows out of that place."  So, the words make sense, but what do they mean ultimately in a practical sense?  How do people increase their self-esteem?  They can take a lesson from Genny my mentor, is what they can do.  Ask questions, task the submissive with exploratory tasks that aim for figuring out who she is, what she's capable of, and how she wants to live.  Explore the lifestyle and how other people live it: no two people have the same conditions, limits, considerations, or point of view.  There is no "template" for slavery; and there is no "template" for submission.  The lowest common denominator in the BDSM lifestyle is respect: everything else flows out of that place.

Mr. Najee talks about a spectrum.  "There are people at every stage of the spectrum."  It makes sense, right?  Domination is not just full-on control of every single aspect of a human being.  Domination is an art, and so one style does not fit everybody.  In fact, there are probably as many styles to domination as there are people who practice it.   Mr. Najee says, and I agree wholly, "The key is to know what it is that makes you tick.  In other words, how much of a relationship do you want with a person.  The one who is seeking a marriage partner as well as a BDSM one is looking for something emotionally in-depth.  This differs from the one who seeks to simply be of service to another in the domestic sense and forego the emotional.  Again, neither is better than the other.  It only matters what is best for you.  Knowing your place is a helpful thing to determine.  Sadly, few ever look at it before they enter into a relationship.  Most seem to do it backwards: they enter into relationships to determine what they desire.  Is it any wonder that so many relationships fail?"   I have goals in this world.  One of my immediate goals is to surround myself with more people like Mr. Najee and his very common-sense, non-predatory type of teaching.  Another of my immediate goals is to learn more from my interactions with Genny.  And eventually, a long time down the road, to surrender myself to You, my Future You, because the butterfly will someday emerge from the cocoon.  

Idealism

"As individuals," says Mistress Steele, "each being is unique with her own viewpoint, personal limitations and provisions within any interactive agreement. [...] Each person can submit to ideals, concepts, thoughts and desires as well as to any person of her choice. The nature of her submission need not be agreeable to anyone outside of that submission, nor should she be subjected to judgment by others who consider her submission unacceptable, or not within what 'they' consider to be 'proper' to the term."   I quote from this article from F. R. R. Mallory and now hold on to it in my learning journal.  It makes me consider idealism: the ideal version of myself; the ideal version of the person who will master me.

I have not met that ideal in the flesh, it is true.  I do have exceptional standards, it is also true.  And thankfully it doesn't take me very long to see through a person's first impression to the core weakness.  (We all have a weakness.  But some people shroud theirs thicker than others; and sometimes the weakness, when revealed, is rather damaging to the species as a whole.  Those species-damagers are the ones to watch out for.)
I learned something this week (thankfully just before I really needed it!) from an exercise with my mentor.  I learned that my own submission is unique and peculiar to me, and that it cannot be taken away from me by anyone.  It is a part of me as surely as are my hopes, or even my ambition.  It is mine; no harsh words from another could erase my submission or my submissive ideals.  I learned that even with no man in the picture, I am no less submissive in heart and spirit.  I learned that there is a way to trust but still to self-preserve: that trust is earned in measured doses, and sip-by-sip one may give to drink from that chalice but, also, one my remove the chalice altogether when necessary -- without breaking the chalice or the mind's eye.

I learned that even though submission is the desired end, and submissive is my desired state, these are impossible to achieve with the wrong partner. It is no surprise that many men interact with me and fail to detect the genuine sub "halo" that glows around my brains: with some people I'm just naturally unemotional and there's no need to change that.  (Why waste valuable resources on the wrong ones?)  With the person who incites my submissive instincts, there will be no doubt. It will be obvious, and it will be right.  I learned that I'm ok, and my perspective is sane and sound.  It's not my world that shakes; it is the world of other people that shakes, those who try to change me to fit their ideals, and that has nothing whatsoever to do with my submissive abilities.  That's a whole different problem which, thankfully, is not mine to solve.

I have learned that (some!) men will try to change me to fit their ideal:  more than once I have been told that I would look better with a smaller nose or a different colour hair.  I confess, I do appear at first to be an easy mark...  a young avatar, new and learning, I do not presume to know better than anybody else. But, day by day I learn the types.  Then there is the, "I am difficult to please, try harder,"  sentiment I run into, frequently.  There is also the, "I know better than you do, relax" attitude that tries to wash away all of a woman's very valid concerns, day by day chipping away at her until she doubts every thought in her own head.  Or the type who solves problems with the "Just rub your clit," command, which is another way of saying "Stop talking, I am busy with someone else."  I have seen, too, the old "I list what I expect in my profile, so read it or don't bother me."  I see, I watch, I observe and examine... and I come to my own conclusions.  My values are not theirs.  If I try to insinuate myself into their worlds, they will try to change me.  And, I am not a lonely person willing to sacrifice so much.  I don't mind being on my own, wandering along the private road I walk.  I will face the light, wearing what I want to wear, looking how I want to look, saying the words I wish to say, displaying my art how I wish to display it, learning my lessons at my own pace, and being the most genuine self I know how to be.  I have spoken to many who have achieved their own private version of the ideal, too.  It is possible!