Idealism

"As individuals," says Mistress Steele, "each being is unique with her own viewpoint, personal limitations and provisions within any interactive agreement. [...] Each person can submit to ideals, concepts, thoughts and desires as well as to any person of her choice. The nature of her submission need not be agreeable to anyone outside of that submission, nor should she be subjected to judgment by others who consider her submission unacceptable, or not within what 'they' consider to be 'proper' to the term."   I quote from this article from F. R. R. Mallory and now hold on to it in my learning journal.  It makes me consider idealism: the ideal version of myself; the ideal version of the person who will master me.

I have not met that ideal in the flesh, it is true.  I do have exceptional standards, it is also true.  And thankfully it doesn't take me very long to see through a person's first impression to the core weakness.  (We all have a weakness.  But some people shroud theirs thicker than others; and sometimes the weakness, when revealed, is rather damaging to the species as a whole.  Those species-damagers are the ones to watch out for.)
I learned something this week (thankfully just before I really needed it!) from an exercise with my mentor.  I learned that my own submission is unique and peculiar to me, and that it cannot be taken away from me by anyone.  It is a part of me as surely as are my hopes, or even my ambition.  It is mine; no harsh words from another could erase my submission or my submissive ideals.  I learned that even with no man in the picture, I am no less submissive in heart and spirit.  I learned that there is a way to trust but still to self-preserve: that trust is earned in measured doses, and sip-by-sip one may give to drink from that chalice but, also, one my remove the chalice altogether when necessary -- without breaking the chalice or the mind's eye.

I learned that even though submission is the desired end, and submissive is my desired state, these are impossible to achieve with the wrong partner. It is no surprise that many men interact with me and fail to detect the genuine sub "halo" that glows around my brains: with some people I'm just naturally unemotional and there's no need to change that.  (Why waste valuable resources on the wrong ones?)  With the person who incites my submissive instincts, there will be no doubt. It will be obvious, and it will be right.  I learned that I'm ok, and my perspective is sane and sound.  It's not my world that shakes; it is the world of other people that shakes, those who try to change me to fit their ideals, and that has nothing whatsoever to do with my submissive abilities.  That's a whole different problem which, thankfully, is not mine to solve.

I have learned that (some!) men will try to change me to fit their ideal:  more than once I have been told that I would look better with a smaller nose or a different colour hair.  I confess, I do appear at first to be an easy mark...  a young avatar, new and learning, I do not presume to know better than anybody else. But, day by day I learn the types.  Then there is the, "I am difficult to please, try harder,"  sentiment I run into, frequently.  There is also the, "I know better than you do, relax" attitude that tries to wash away all of a woman's very valid concerns, day by day chipping away at her until she doubts every thought in her own head.  Or the type who solves problems with the "Just rub your clit," command, which is another way of saying "Stop talking, I am busy with someone else."  I have seen, too, the old "I list what I expect in my profile, so read it or don't bother me."  I see, I watch, I observe and examine... and I come to my own conclusions.  My values are not theirs.  If I try to insinuate myself into their worlds, they will try to change me.  And, I am not a lonely person willing to sacrifice so much.  I don't mind being on my own, wandering along the private road I walk.  I will face the light, wearing what I want to wear, looking how I want to look, saying the words I wish to say, displaying my art how I wish to display it, learning my lessons at my own pace, and being the most genuine self I know how to be.  I have spoken to many who have achieved their own private version of the ideal, too.  It is possible!