Imbalance of power from the other side

Power imbalance from the bottom is an idea that doesn't (in my humble opinion) get enough exposure in the world.  It is part of the idea of "mental health" that is essential to peaceful and rewarding human relations: a balance of power in a power-exchange is the only way this is going to work.  The power must flow like circulating blood, to and fro, between the partners, an ebb and flow like tide and ocean.  The sun must not dry out the water supply without providing the relief of rain; the rain must not pour indefinitely without providing recovering spells of dryness.

It is an idea to meditate upon, for sure: it does not look the same for everybody.  It feels differently for everybody.  But we all know (or do we?) when our power is being drained without restoring it.

(I am not talking about topping from the bottom.  Sometimes a sub takes the top position if there is a power-vacuum and nobody else is taking control, and there's no whining about it:  if a dom wants the control back, it's there to take.  I am talking, instead, about a chronic abuse of power; a time-after-time lack of needs-met, and placing the blame squarely upon the shoulders of someone else.)

It has been my experience that people in dominant situations have drained me of all my good humour and loving disposition (historically, not presently) and it has been a good learning to discover I can prevent this from ever happening again.  My main source of frustration, historically, is the lack of self-governance -- the lack of mental clarity and self-respect among those who presume to dominate others.  (Sir Will, Sir Tony, Sir Dwight, Sir RB, and of course Tasdron -- you have a lot to teach the world about good mental health and I thank you for being such positive role models in the world.)  But what about if the roles were reversed?  What about submissives who drain the resources of a dominant?  Can a dominant personality recognize it and distance from it when it is happening, without feeling like a failure?

Just as a submissive might think, "I am a failed sub because I cannot obey every single thing he asks for..." when he is asking for too much, so can a dominant think, "I am a failed dom because I cannot govern her wild moods and incredible emotional outbursts, no matter how I try..." when she is asking for too much (time, attention, solitude, life-force, punishment, discipline, sex, whatever).

Finding the proper balance -- meeting the needs of others and meeting one's own regimen of personal care -- is the key, of course.  It is something to strive for daily.  It means dominating one's environment and one's life: it means a dom is really, through and through, a dom.  Of course there will be imbalanced days when one gives more than is restored, or when one takes more than one has given.  If this is a chronic, persistent state then the imbalance is unhealthy, obviously.  If this is acute and rare, on the other hand, it falls within the range of human experience that can reasonably be expected of people to handle.  We all have bad days, even bad weeks, right?  We bounce back and give back, later.

When the honeymoon between sub and dom is over and when the reality of day to day living comes into focus, the balance of power had also better come into focus.  And this touches on issues of compatibility: during the honeymoon everybody is on their best behaviour and high as a kite from all those happy oxytocin and seratonin bursts from cuddles and undivided attention.  But does that mean you both are compatible?  No; it just means you feel good together, physically.  Other elements such as common interests, common habits, common routines that take you both out of the house for a while, common friends, or common desires to keep separate spaces (for example) will determine overall compatibility which will, in turn, determine regular and healthy doses of oxytocin and seratonin.  Not to put too fine a point on it.  Time will tell, in other words, and so patience... patience... patience.

And what can go wrong?  Someone gets stuck in the honeymoon while the other moves on to more realistic living.  Or, someone's best behaviour becomes too exhausting to maintain.  Or, someone failed to spell out a few key expectations during the negotiation period.  Or, someone failed to negotiate at all.  So much can go wrong and that smile turns upside down.  How will the submissive react?  How will the dominant control the situation?  Is this a problem of communication within the relationship, or is this a mental health issue?  Is the dominant behaving according to his own code, and is the submissive deteriorating into an unmanageable mess regardless?  Are the two partners simply not finding their compatibility anymore, and is either one of them really to blame?

I would like to let both parties off the hook and propose that a) Domination works only when the submissive gives her power to be dominated; b) Submission works only when the dominant actively seeks to understand the wonderful complexities of that offering; c) Compatibility works only when both parties want it to; and d) If either one tries to suck the emotional blood of the other, there is no harm in cutting loose if that is what will save your life.  It is neither a failure of domination nor of submission if you must cut loose someone who drains you.  And there is nobody to blame, either: there is learning, and then there is flowing onward as the sun shines over the next hill.

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Also, I really like this 10 quick tips to boost your seratonin.  This relates to physical and mental wellness, and frankly I do not trust a dominant (or a submissive!) who does not strive for perfect wellness.  (Nobody can achieve perfect wellness, but we can strive!  And keep striving.  It is a discipline that demonstrates the right attitude.)

Proud of Submission

What submission means to me.  I feel proud that I submit my power, sometimes, to a man I love.  When it is good to do so.  When it is time to do so.  Sometimes, because I am submissive, I notice that he is not in the mood to take control.  I watch and I pay attention.  And in those times, I take control, not because I want to, but because it is part of my submission.  I make decisions I would feel more comfortable that he makes.  But he wants them made for him, sometimes.

What submission means to me.  I feel proud that I am observant and watchful.  I feel proud that I pay attention to details.  I feel proud that I observe and keep my eyes wide open (not dulled with drink, not dulled with smoke, not dulled with medications that I do not require, not dulled with over-sated appetites).  I feel proud that, because my eyes are wide open, I can anticipate.  I can predict.  I can have patience sometimes when I might not have had patience, otherwise.

What submission means to me.  It feels as though I wear it openly like a system of restraints, obvious to anybody.  It feels like clothing to me.  It feels like a zipper I cannot reach behind me that someone else zips and unzips for me.  It feels like a thick, chunky, heavy-metal collar with no seam and no clasp: as though it was born there, on me, reminding me constantly who I am.

What submission means to me.  I am part of a club that teaches me, like I teach them, how great it is to feel like our true selves.  Our true selves.  My true self.  I look at other submissives through my camera lens, studying their beauty and self-declaration.  I study their presentation, their decisions about how the world will see them.  I look at them, and I rejoice.  I look at myself, and I rejoice.  We are, truly, our own selves.  (Thanks, E, for letting me take so many pictures of you.  I know your time is precious.)

What submission means to me.  I am not a sexual object.  I am not a tool.  I am not a doormat.  I am not stupid.  I am not gullible (because of my submission).  I am not a slave.  I do not surrender all my power at all times to all people.  I do not accept violence.  I do not accept abuse.  I do not accept other people's anger about not submitting myself to them.  I have never been obligated to.

What submission means to me.  I give a part of myself to one man that I do not give to anybody else -- not a boss, not a police officer, not a judge, not another man, not any woman, not in pretend or in fantasy.  I give a part of myself to one man with which he could do anything he wants, and I give it to him as a surrendered offering, because I would not be me if I did not give this to him.  When I deal with police and judges and bosses, I do not submit to them, and they do not dominate me.  I do what I do because I want to do it.  There is only one king of the castle for me!

Shame, Part One

The reason why it is so easy to associate "shame" with "submission" (and, therefore, one reason why submissive personalities are often so vulnerable to unexpected bullying) is that the idea of shame depends upon the victimization of one's character -- the lowering of a person's self-esteem and the fragmentation of a person's ego.  It strips away the person's self-pride.  When used as a weapon by a bully (or a dominant personality who also happens to be a bully) the potential for long-term damage is enormous.  The submissive is at risk because this imbalance of power resembles power-exchange (in the same way that Cinderella in her ballroom gown resembles her evil sisters in their ballroom gowns).  A person who does not have the critical thinking skills to see this -- that power imbalance is not the same thing as power exchange -- will not see the damage, or the potential for damage, or even the problem in general.

Shame, I have been researching, results in the erasure of the self.  Shame is what makes us go away.  Shame is what makes us turn away.  Shame is what makes us want to remove, erase, eliminate, sever, bury, camouflage and mask something we believe to be wrong for us personally or as a species.  Shame is the button "go" that releases behaviours we cannot otherwise explain.

Shame emerges from the self, or shame is inflicted by a third party onto the self.  I may accept the gift of shame from another just as another accepts the gift of my submission.  In that case, if I accept his shame, then I accept the consequences of his shame.  It is a condition often expected of a submissive and results in many otherwise-inexplicable punishments (according to my interviews).  And because submission resembles victimization in the same way that Dominance resembles victory to the inexperienced and very vulnerable, too often the new submissive gets the foul end of things.

Domination by bullying; the victimization of character and ego; the perceived judgment of others... there are so many reasons why it is a good idea for a submissive (and a Dom, for the love of God) to take a mentor when first exploring the D/s lifestyle.  In Second Life, it is made so simple to do.

Safe, Sane, Consensual

Safe.  A white room, well - lit.  A soft floor.  The security of my bindings, and the freedom to move around, testing the environment.  How does it feel to walk like this.  How does it feel to breathe this new air.  How does it feel with my body vulnerable to You.  How does it feel to trust You.  Will you listen to my limits?  Will you say, out loud, that You protect my limits?  Will you say, out loud, that You will do nothing to tease me about having limits?  You will do nothing to push my limits, because my limits are there to prevent pushing?  There is a whole, big, beautiful room to explore; there is no need to see what is behind the door.  The door is shut for a reason: and that reason is mine.  I feel safe in this room.  I feel safe with my limits, and with how well You respect my limits, and love my limits, because they are part of me.

Sane.  Nice, straight lines.  Regimented, regular schedule.  Proper proportion, moderation, and balance.  The horizon is a straight line, and everything flows from the line that extends into forever.  Private time to meditate and contemplate: to process what I have learned, and to turn back towards You and smile, understanding.  You have shown me.  My future You, my present me loves You for the nice, straight lines, regimented and regular schedule, and Your moderation and balance.  We do nothing that we have not talked about.  We do nothing that You cannot control.  Everything that we do is a measure of Your control.  Everything that we do is evidence of Your mastery of self, and mastery of me.

Consensual Consent.  I bear my burden willingly.  The chains about my neck are light.  The bindings at my feet are anchors, not weights.  You take from me what I would willingly give: You take from me all that I have, and curiously it simply fills me with more.  The Private Garden where You tend is full of me.  The vessel of secrets is capped until You open it and find me, a pool of wanting, rippling therein.  I am so easy to decipher, for You.  I am, for others, hieroglyphs without the guiding stone; monuments without meaning.  The brambles and the thorns, the teeth and the rats' nests, the Medusa head and the stone statues of men that line the garden path... I wander past souls of the troubled, and I try to keep my heart intact.  When there is only You.  Only ever was.  Only ever will be.  When I finally find You, it will be a moment of awakening, and then I will cry out YES  once more, and these dreams will be forgotten.

Self-Esteem

Once again, I realize how lucky I am.  Going back over the mentoring interactions with Genny, one thing strikes me now more clearly than anything:  this is a personal journey.  All of my assignments are designed for me to figure out who I am in a submissive relationship and what I want, and how I am prepared to live, and what it is that I see, and my vision, and my personal and unique way of expressing myself submissively.  Genny hasn't handed me a template and an instruction booklet on how to fit myself into this template:  Genny is getting me to explore who I am.  I am really lucky:  she is a great friend in the D/s lifestyle, and she isn't trying to change me, or shatter me, or break me down, or use me, or take advantage of me.  Or screw me, for that matter.  Instead, she gives me the equivalent of, "Here is my time, make something extraordinary with it, show what you can do." And, so, I do.  And every time I do, I come away with many meditations on the D/s lifestyle, and these meditations I carry with me and mull over as I move through the world, looking at the butterflies, making every moment a learning moment.
Whether deliberate or accidental, what Genny has done for me is to increase my self-esteem.  By letting me explore what it is that I want from this lifestyle, and by letting me express myself in ways meaningful to me, she has increased my self-esteem.  She has increased my power.  Well, I have increased my power: I know that it's all down to me, in the end, and if I asked Genny she would say, "I haven't increased your power; you did that."  But what Genny has done is to facilitate, enable, and witness it.  And consequently, I feel good.

Self-esteem is a big deal to my newfound "Masterful Expertise" Mr. Dennis Najee.  He states a very basic relationship principle here, and I agree with him 100%.  I quote: "The truth is that only those with a solid self-esteem can be in healthy relationships. Even in a power exchange situation, it is crucial that both people be on solid footing with their self-worth.  Again, and I cannot stress this enough, both parties need to look within for that value.  A slave is not valuable because of what she does; rather, her value is because of who she is.  Her awakening in the morning is all she needs to have merit.  Everything else flows out of that place."  So, the words make sense, but what do they mean ultimately in a practical sense?  How do people increase their self-esteem?  They can take a lesson from Genny my mentor, is what they can do.  Ask questions, task the submissive with exploratory tasks that aim for figuring out who she is, what she's capable of, and how she wants to live.  Explore the lifestyle and how other people live it: no two people have the same conditions, limits, considerations, or point of view.  There is no "template" for slavery; and there is no "template" for submission.  The lowest common denominator in the BDSM lifestyle is respect: everything else flows out of that place.

Mr. Najee talks about a spectrum.  "There are people at every stage of the spectrum."  It makes sense, right?  Domination is not just full-on control of every single aspect of a human being.  Domination is an art, and so one style does not fit everybody.  In fact, there are probably as many styles to domination as there are people who practice it.   Mr. Najee says, and I agree wholly, "The key is to know what it is that makes you tick.  In other words, how much of a relationship do you want with a person.  The one who is seeking a marriage partner as well as a BDSM one is looking for something emotionally in-depth.  This differs from the one who seeks to simply be of service to another in the domestic sense and forego the emotional.  Again, neither is better than the other.  It only matters what is best for you.  Knowing your place is a helpful thing to determine.  Sadly, few ever look at it before they enter into a relationship.  Most seem to do it backwards: they enter into relationships to determine what they desire.  Is it any wonder that so many relationships fail?"   I have goals in this world.  One of my immediate goals is to surround myself with more people like Mr. Najee and his very common-sense, non-predatory type of teaching.  Another of my immediate goals is to learn more from my interactions with Genny.  And eventually, a long time down the road, to surrender myself to You, my Future You, because the butterfly will someday emerge from the cocoon.  

Fine Lines

This has been quite a week of conversations.  I have learned this week more about myself than in recent history combined, and so much has come from being tested with misconceptions.  I'll give the benefit of the doubt and not say the word "prejudice" or even "bigotry" but rather call it "misconception" that drives the conversations of recent memory from which I have stepped higher still in my journey to submission.  I, too, am guilty of misconception (and my recent post on protected precious sweet asses is evidence of that).  Perhaps nobody is immune; we all must learn and no one is born perfect.  But, this week especially, I have been challenged on many fronts.  It felt surreal, this week, sort of like I was exploring "D/s through the looking glass" instead of just plain old D/s.   I think the most important learning I can catalogue this week is HOW perspective changes, and THAT perspective changes, and WHY perspective changes, and the vast difference between the perspective of the new versus the perspective of the very experienced.  The difference is in the fine lines.

[Digression:  one of my pet peeves in language is the way people abuse the phrase, "There is a fine line between...(insert comparatives here)."  There is often not a fine line between the things they suggest, when I stop and think about it, and then I scuff my toe in frustration having wasted all that time.  And that is not what I mean to suggest here, either, when I talk about fine lines.  There is no fine line demarcating the initiate and the Master.  Instead, there is a crude chalk-drawing by a student, a three-stroke stick-figure trying to tell a story it isn't complex enough to convey.  Next to it, a finely-wrought image drawn by the Master, an image comprised of a thousand fine lines, conveying a rounder, deeper story that takes hours to appreciate and weeks to analyze.  What the new person scratches-out cannot compare to the Masterful image of high complexity.  That is what I mean.  The fine lines reveal everything.]

The new person:  1) expects things to be obvious, 2) gravitates towards the obvious, 3) leaves heavy footprints through the journey.


The initiate:  1) understands that things are not always as they seem, 2) gravitates more towards what she desires instead of what is obvious and presented by default, 3) tries to walk more softly through the world.


The initiated:  1) begins to develop subtleties that characterize her unique self, 2) begins to assert her desires and hardly pays any attention to the obvious and the default anymore, 3) strives to walk not just softly but without penetrating the rice paper.

The Master:  1) recognizes subtlety in others and celebrates it, while recognizing that the new need guidance also, 2) can anticipate desire and meet it but is never above being surprised by joy, 3) can carry himself and his disciple (if required) with minimal impact to the land beneath.

A simple example: it is confusing (to the new Doms and  to the new subs at the beginning, if nobody knows any better) whether a submissive lady should be kneeling by default when a man speaks to her.  There are so many competing opinions and values and practices in Second Life, as many different answers to that question as there are practitioners of alternative lifestyles and roleplay.  There are so many reasons why a Dom may believe it is appropriate for a girl to kneel when speaking to him.  There are so many reasons why a submissive may believe such behaviour to be archaic, misguided, inappropriate to her life's purpose, or totally and perfectly reasonable.

What does submission look like?  It looks like whatever you want it to look like.  Submissive women wear lingerie and snowsuits and sneakers and pumps (granted, not all at once...).  Sometimes a sub wears a collar.  Sometimes she doesn't.  There are at least a dozen variables (and possibly ten dozen more) affecting whether you see her sporting a collar at any given moment.  She may or may not kneel.  She may or may not be owned.  She may or may not be attached at all, in any relationship.  She may be getting over a relationship; she may be entertaining the possibility of a new relationship; she may be withdrawing from any immediate relationships; she may be seeking platonic friendships or protective arms with no other expectations.  She may be wearing leather or lace.  There is a lot in common, really, with the vanilla lifestyle.  But, honestly, there are so many ways to LOOK submissive if one wants to be obvious and catch the attention of the obvious-seeking.  There are also so many ways to assert one's subtleties if one is looking to attract the attention of the more discerning (and less obvious) tastes.  I have endeavoured to wander the road paved by the discerning.  My protected precious sweet ass enjoys the tranquility.

Idealism

"As individuals," says Mistress Steele, "each being is unique with her own viewpoint, personal limitations and provisions within any interactive agreement. [...] Each person can submit to ideals, concepts, thoughts and desires as well as to any person of her choice. The nature of her submission need not be agreeable to anyone outside of that submission, nor should she be subjected to judgment by others who consider her submission unacceptable, or not within what 'they' consider to be 'proper' to the term."   I quote from this article from F. R. R. Mallory and now hold on to it in my learning journal.  It makes me consider idealism: the ideal version of myself; the ideal version of the person who will master me.

I have not met that ideal in the flesh, it is true.  I do have exceptional standards, it is also true.  And thankfully it doesn't take me very long to see through a person's first impression to the core weakness.  (We all have a weakness.  But some people shroud theirs thicker than others; and sometimes the weakness, when revealed, is rather damaging to the species as a whole.  Those species-damagers are the ones to watch out for.)
I learned something this week (thankfully just before I really needed it!) from an exercise with my mentor.  I learned that my own submission is unique and peculiar to me, and that it cannot be taken away from me by anyone.  It is a part of me as surely as are my hopes, or even my ambition.  It is mine; no harsh words from another could erase my submission or my submissive ideals.  I learned that even with no man in the picture, I am no less submissive in heart and spirit.  I learned that there is a way to trust but still to self-preserve: that trust is earned in measured doses, and sip-by-sip one may give to drink from that chalice but, also, one my remove the chalice altogether when necessary -- without breaking the chalice or the mind's eye.

I learned that even though submission is the desired end, and submissive is my desired state, these are impossible to achieve with the wrong partner. It is no surprise that many men interact with me and fail to detect the genuine sub "halo" that glows around my brains: with some people I'm just naturally unemotional and there's no need to change that.  (Why waste valuable resources on the wrong ones?)  With the person who incites my submissive instincts, there will be no doubt. It will be obvious, and it will be right.  I learned that I'm ok, and my perspective is sane and sound.  It's not my world that shakes; it is the world of other people that shakes, those who try to change me to fit their ideals, and that has nothing whatsoever to do with my submissive abilities.  That's a whole different problem which, thankfully, is not mine to solve.

I have learned that (some!) men will try to change me to fit their ideal:  more than once I have been told that I would look better with a smaller nose or a different colour hair.  I confess, I do appear at first to be an easy mark...  a young avatar, new and learning, I do not presume to know better than anybody else. But, day by day I learn the types.  Then there is the, "I am difficult to please, try harder,"  sentiment I run into, frequently.  There is also the, "I know better than you do, relax" attitude that tries to wash away all of a woman's very valid concerns, day by day chipping away at her until she doubts every thought in her own head.  Or the type who solves problems with the "Just rub your clit," command, which is another way of saying "Stop talking, I am busy with someone else."  I have seen, too, the old "I list what I expect in my profile, so read it or don't bother me."  I see, I watch, I observe and examine... and I come to my own conclusions.  My values are not theirs.  If I try to insinuate myself into their worlds, they will try to change me.  And, I am not a lonely person willing to sacrifice so much.  I don't mind being on my own, wandering along the private road I walk.  I will face the light, wearing what I want to wear, looking how I want to look, saying the words I wish to say, displaying my art how I wish to display it, learning my lessons at my own pace, and being the most genuine self I know how to be.  I have spoken to many who have achieved their own private version of the ideal, too.  It is possible!