"Zelophilia," "Stigmatophilia," but no "Obedience"

I spent some time looking at the online resource "BDSM for Dummies."  Essentially it is a glossary of terms.  Presumably, by reading the definitions of these terms, one might get a sense of what one desires when entering the realm of BDSM.

It explains a lot, albeit briefly.  Zelophilia is sexual arousal from jealousy, which I never realized is a thing.  (And of course it must be a thing given how much jealous behaviour there is in the world!) And there's Stigmatophilia, which is sexual arousal from body markings -- tats and piercings and such.  These and many other conditions are in the glossary of BDSM terms, and curiously enough, what's missing?  Obedience!

This is one of the most important words in the BDSM lifestyle, is it not?  Obedience.

Consider words like "control," and "domination," and "mastery," and "sadism."  These words would describe illegal, unconstitutional behaviour without the consenting "obedience" from the other side of that relationship.  Mastery without obedience is just, well, abuse.  Obedience is such an important word!

Consider words like "submission," and "safe words," and "hand cuffs," and "hypophilia" (sexual arousal from breath play):  these words would lack the willing participation of a sub without the inherent desire to obey.  Submission, like obedience, can be forced -- yes it is true.  Forced by another word called "duress" and yet another, "coercion."  However, submission without obedience is the difference between "brat" and "beloved."  Submission without obedience is not how I imagine my submission.  And, obedience without submission is like the Story of O -- obeying a chateau full of men one has not submitted to, intimately and wholly.

Still, the word "obedience" is a crucially-important word: it implies choice.  It says that the submissive has chosen (on some level, even if far removed from the present time and place) to give her power away so that others may use it.  People ask, "Where is the submissive's power? I thought Domination took away all the power."  That power, friends, is in the consent.  Is in the obedience.  Is in the day after day obedience.  Is in the repeated vows of submission that, still, to this day, hold true.  That power is in the consent.  Because without that consent, there is no power surrendered.  Without understanding her dedication to obedience, no Master can dominate the mind and soul and heart of a submissive.

The BDSM glossary has lots of arrows pointed towards sexual stimulation.  I suppose it is a common understanding that the BDSM lifestyle is a sexually-charged lifestyle... but I still maintain that for me it is not.  My submission means other things.

 

Boundaries: Good Idea

Have we talked about boundaries lately?  I've just read something that demands sharing.  I'm sitting in my happy spot nicely bounded and feeling pretty secure at the moment, so now is a good time to revisit this idea of boundaries.

First, it is empowering to realize that it is our own responsibility how we let other people treat us.  [It is not our fault if someone abuses us!  Not at all.  Abuse is a whole other dynamic.] 

In day to day living, we teach people how to treat us, and we teach them what we will accept and what we will reject.  We do that even if we aren't aware we're doing it: and regardless of what we teach them, there are people in the world who will bulldoze right over established boundaries anyway (or, will try to!) without regard for your boundaries.  Which is why you need to know what those boundaries are, and where the warning signs are posted, and when to sound the alarm.  "Learn to say no," in other words.  "Know what actions you need to take if your wishes aren't respected."

"Recognize that other people's needs and feelings are not more important than your own," is another good idea.  When you start imagining a relationship in terms of "more important" and "less important" then there is an unhealthy dynamic at play.  It is not about more or less, when there is love and trust to bind two people.  Domination does not mean "more important."  Submission does not mean "less important."  There are people in the world who would tell you that you are obligated to do something because you are someone.  Your submission obligates you.  Your obedience obligates you.  And the truth is, while submission means that you are inclined to serve and to obey rather than to give orders and dominate a situation, submission does not mean that you will obey blindly.  Rather, submission simply means that, in the relationship between a dom and a sub, the dom sets the mood and the tone of the activity, and the sub reacts and responds to this setting.  In a dance, one leads and one follows.  Neither takes priority: both are required, and the dance is beautiful.

You are never obligated to act against your own conscience.   You are never, as a submissive person, obligated to obey rules that insult your soul.  You are never obligated as a human being to perform actions, feel guilty, subjugate your own self-esteem to benefit another's ego, debase yourself for someone else's gratification... you are never obligated to perform as a slave for the selfishness of another.  Ever.  (Of course, if you want to do those things, then of course the world wants you to get what you want!!  But you are never obligated by virtue of your being submissively inclined.)

Domination does not mean "ownership."  There are some subs and doms who speak in terms of ownership, but it is not an obligation by virtue of submission and domination.  Ownership need never come into the relationship if you aren't comfortable with the word.  For some, it's perfection.  For others, it's overkill.

The idea of boundaries is a good idea to revisit from time to time.  It is good to clarify words and meaning as they relate to one's own experience.  One's own brain is the sole source of pleasure in this world, and it wants to know what's on the menu before selecting.

Also from the article, signals that there are boundary issues:

- you go against your values to please someone else

- you give as much as you can for the sake of giving

- you take as much as you can take from someone, for the sake of taking

- you let others define your personality, your rules, your acceptable limits

- you expect others to fulfill your needs automatically

- you feel anxious and guilty if you say "no" to a request

- you do not speak up when someone mistreats you

- you fall to pieces so that others will take care of you

- you fall in love with someone you barely know

- you fall in love with someone who reaches out to you for a conversation

- you accept someone's advances, touching, and sex when you do not want it

- you touch someone without asking first

These signals should send warnings that it is time to have a conversation.  It may be that everything is alright.  It may be that "it's just meant to be."  And that's great!  But have the conversation to make sure.  That, right there, is a boundary worth enforcing.

Pain and forgiveness

Forgiveness redux.  The task is not complete.  We did a ritual of red markings upon my body, and that begins a journey I did not anticipate.  The paint has faded but I remember my task, and the pain is changing.  Pain and Paint are words I link, now, and things make sense to me.  I do not know if you intended this link, but it has happened anyway.  Painted pain fading.  At least, changing.

And this book has done things that we will need to talk about, also.  This is the picture in my mind when I imagine the book, and how you will always come for me.

* * *
Inigo could not stop his sudden tears.
"Now you are watching him fall.  Look -- look at him -- watch Domingo die --"
Inigo began sobbing out of all control.
"Tell me what you feel --"
Inigo was barely able to speak the word:  "Pain."
"Yes, right, of course, pain, killing pain.  That is what you should want more than anything, an end to your pain."
"...yes..."
"That pain is with you, every moment of every day?"
"...yes..."
"If you think of ending your pain, you will kill the six-fingered man.  But if you only think of revenge, he will kill you, because he has already taken the thing on earth you treasured most, and he will know that, and when you battle he will say things, he will taunt you, he will talk about your pathetic father and he will laugh at your love for a failure like Domingo, and you will scream in rage and your revenge will take control and you will attack blindly -- and then he will cut you to pieces."

* * *
When I am not imagining love and connection, I imagine ending pain.  But not really.  When I am not imagining love and connection, I imagine changing pain, a transformation.  Another metamorphosis, another pretty butterfly wing emerging.  A different pain.  I imagine feeling something different, something reserved, something never yet experienced.  Putting pain somewhere on my body and letting it feel what it is like to split open and bleed.  And then, deriving pleasure from it.  I would say, a well-earned pleasure.  Time enough.

Not every day.  My submission is not characterized by this.  I am more love than agonizing.  But, for a special treat, the agonizing must flow.

I know now what I must do.  I knew we would figure it out.

To forgive, to absolve, to let go 2

Forgiveness is a part of people's consciousness and people do talk about it.  I was looking at another blog here that offers a post on the matter from a man's perspective in his own family.

He says, "I decided that what was really missing here was my forgiveness, not my apology - so I forgave her in the car."

Was that some kind of gestalt exercise where one looks at the empty passenger seat, pretending there is a person there, and saying out loud, "You're forgiven, by me, for whatever you have done, you silly silly person."  It's not clear what he means by forgiving her in the car but, for cryin' out loud, that's what I'm trying to find -- that elusive magic instruction that tells me "this is how you do it."  What, do I have to get in the car?  Do I?  Is that all it takes?

Is that what Clint Eastwood tried to do with Obama-In-Absentia, the empty chair at the RNC last week -- forgive the president for making us take care of each other by talking to an empty chair pretending he was there?

Actually... there is a beautiful movie called Scorchers.  The main character, Splendid, has just married the man she loves, Dolan.  But she is afraid to have sex with him.  She just can't do it.  So, Splendid's father gets to the root of the problem.  And the root of the problem is complicated.  Splendid's mom died during childbirth, died when Splendid was being born.  She feels guilty, our Splendid does, for even being alive, nevermind for being freshly married and so pretty and lucky enough to look like her mom.  And now it is time to complete the circle and to have a husband of her own and to make a new family for the next generation -- and Splendid just can't do it.  So, her dad makes her talk to an empty chair.

Put your mama in that chair and talk to her, he says to our Splendid.  Tell her everything.  Tell her how it is.

It is powerful and beautiful, how the movie unfolds thereafter.  There is forgiveness there; and it is not possible to put into words how it happens.  That elusive magic instruction that says "this is how you do it" is really not possible to articulate because, oh well, it's going to be different for everybody.  The only common thing they share, I suppose, is that it involves speaking that deep dark truth that was hiding in the shadows for a long time.

Demystifying Submission

I never get tired of consulting A Master's Viewpoint by Mr Najee.  Today's point of interest: the process of submission.  At a discussion not so long ago, I listened with interest as a lady posed a question to the Domme who was speaking.  "At what point," she asked, "is it a good idea for me to agree to wear someone's collar?"   This, incidentally, is why I haven't ventured into facilitating discussions of my own... How on earth does a person begin to approach a question like that?   I would have asked more questions until the core question framed itself (or until I beat it into a shape that could be considered meaningfully!), but that might have taken hours.  I'm still not sure what question the journeyer was asking.  "How will I know if he really loves me?"  or, "I'm not sure if I'm submissive, so when is it okay to wear a collar to try to find out?"  or, "Is there a set time, in your fantasy world that I'd like to play in, for people to agree to court before broaching the subject of collars?"  or, "I know that I'm submissive; I am simply not sure if he's dominant. Should I still go through with this?  Is there a safe way out?"   My busy mind hears so many questions embedded in that one vague question, and I'm really not sure which is being asked.  (I was not privy to the answer, either, so I cannot comment further.)

This post talks about what it's like when submission meets its proper domination, and vice versa.  "Finally," Mr. Najee writes, "the couple gets to the point where they decide they are going to be together.  I find that the submission process happens naturally.  There is no one moment in time when she offers it and he accepts it.  Instead, it is something that they move toward on a daily basis (with the occasional moving away from when pitfalls are encountered).  The people involved in the relationship, due to their communication, know what is happening."   For the most part, I dig that passage.  Especially how the submission process happens naturally.  The whole article explains what even vanilla relationships undergo in the process of development and intensifying.  Two people talk a lot.  Two people get to know each other.  Whether or not they have a submissive or a dominant character, their own personalities must mesh first and foremost.   (A submissive won't submit to just any dom.  A dominant won't accept the submission of every single sub that kneels at his feet.  It's impossible.  We have to gel.  We have to fit.  It's not a contest, nor a competition... it's just meeting someone you want to be with, in the quirky kind of structure that you dream of inhabiting, and finding that person wants the same thing.)  When we fit, when we gel, when we have talked so much that we know we just need to keep talking, and keep touching, and keep working for the other, it's a foregone conclusion that the relationship will continue on the forward trajectory.  Submission and domination have happened already because nature wanted it so.

"The answer is to interact like a human being," says our Mr Najee.  It's as if he had heard the question!  But seriously... now that I think about it, that's a good answer to many questions.  "How will I know that he really loves me?"  The answer is to interact like a human being.  "How will I know that my submission is what he's looking for?"  The answer is to interact like a human being.  "How will I know that when I reach out, he will reach for me also?"  The answer is to interact like a human being.  "How will I know that it's alright to trust this person, that he won't try to abuse me or take advantage of me?"  The answer is to interact like a human being.  "How will I know that he is competent enough to dominate me?"  The answer is to interact like a human being.  "How will I know that he has the self-esteem I expect in a dom?"  The answer is to interact like a human being.  "What happens when I am overcome with need and it feels like my need will overpower everything and everybody?"  The answer is to interact like a human being.

Temptation and Surrender

Temptation is a taut bow.  Temptation is a strung violin. Temptation is a high-wire.  Temptation is a knife's blade. Temptation is a red, ripe sheen on the tight skin of an apple, promising crisp, sweet relief.  Temptation is a finger sliding beneath the strap that had no finger-room until he pushed it through.  Temptation is hair pulled straight down, arching a back to a perfect curve.  Temptation is a little droplet upon the lips, waiting for the tongue.  Temptation is the gaze waiting for the blink.  Temptation is the push, waiting for the penetration.  Temptation is the pull, waiting for the release.  Temptation is grip on one wrist, waiting for the grip upon the second wrist.  Temptation is the raised crop, waiting for the swift-wishing cut.  Temptation is the whip raised, waiting for the whistled-air crack.  Temptation is the rip, waiting for the eyes to look upon the torn clothing, how much damage...

Temptation is a turned back, feeling the breath from behind.  Temptation is a favourite toy, handle-forward, waiting on the table.  Temptation is what I can smell.  Temptation is what I think it feels like.  Temptation is what I want it to feel like.  Temptation is making a big hole where I know I've never felt it.  Temptation is stupid with longing.  Temptation is the feeling of a strand of hair falling from my shoulder, grazing my lower back, and me mistaking it for your hand, and me groaning louder than I thought warranted such a simple, small thing.  Temptation is a clear picture, sharp edges, perfect clarity between all the lines.  Temptation is a blindfold, suddenly jerked a little too tightly.  Temptation is a voice in my ear, suddenly, when I thought there was nobody there.  Temptation is what I look like, standing in heels, my bra loosely strung from my fingertips.  Temptation is what I look like, standing in heels, wrists bound, my bra loosely strung from my fingertips.  Temptation is what I look like, standing in heels, wrists bound, lips parted, my bra loosely strung from my fingertips.  Temptation is wondering when my lips will feel the kiss.  And surrender is what I've just done, even though you aren't here.

Self-Esteem from Self-Control

Why spend so much time exploring self-esteem?  I wish the answer to that question were not so obvious in my own experiences with people.  Anyway, the more I read about "The Master's Viewpoint" by Dennis Najee, the more I realize how much really depends upon self-esteem.  A healthy relationship depends upon it.  A healthy self-image depends upon it.  A healthy outlook on life depends upon it.  Personal expectations of how people treat us in the world depend upon it.  And, of course, relevant to the D/s community, a healthy experience at play or in communication depends upon it.  "No man is in a position of dominance if he cannot control himself," says Mr. Najee, and with that I wholly agree.  And, by controlling himself, it means what he eats; how much he eats; what he does for exercise; how much he exercises; whether he is in control over his emotions during periods of stress; whether he is in touch with his emotions during periods of affection; whether he abuses narcotics; whether he over-indulges in intoxicants; and whether he thinks that it is safe to interact with other people when he is drunk with control-sapping stimulants.  "Lack of control on the part of the dominant is a sign of weakness."   I have trusted people, inching as I did towards more and more control surrendered to them, only to have them lose control entirely one way or another.  They stopped listening to me, to the word "no".  They stopped speaking sanely.  They stopped being trustworthy.  When someone I trust loses personal control, I no longer trust.  Is a submissive supposed to negotiate in good faith with that person?  A submissive who, in good faith, does take care of her mind and body; who does make sure she adheres to codes of respect for her own body as well as the bodies of others; whose mindset is about bringing beauty, not fear.  Christian Grey, in Fifty Shades of Grey, has it right:  he has dominated his life so that things are under control.  His finances are healthy; his food is healthy; his exercise is healthy; he drinks wine from time to time; he even strives for healthier energy sources globally, that's how healthy he wants things to be.  He strives.  (Love the book or hate the book, Christian's outward character is formidable, and it is one viable basis upon which to grow a relationship.)

When one masters self-control, one feels pretty good about oneself.  Self-mastery  turns us into worthy partners in play; worthy partners in fantasy; worthy partners in exploration and mutual gratification.  It means I can trust the man You say You are.  It means I can feel good about surrendering control.  (And otherwise it ain't happening.)  It means Joe Dominant's domination is effective, not hypocritical and weak.  It means Cutie Submissive's submission is real, not a nymphomaniacal collar-hop perpetually seeking the honey-moon.  Words I will adhere to as I have done throughout this whole learning process:  "The BDSM lifestyle," writes Mr. Najee,  "is one where you are free to choose what you desire.  All avenues are open to you.  The key is to make the proper choices for what fits your needs.  Implant the image of what you want in your head and work towards bringing it into reality.  There is no reason why you cannot do this.  However, before focusing outward, take a look at yourself."

Control, Part One

I have no doubt that "control"  will be one of the many topics that I introduce in my learning journal which will ultimately yield changing or deepening conviction as I progress.  Before I go there, however, I'd like to address a question I get asked almost every day.  "Where," they ask me, "do you shop?"  And I guess it is a consequence of being a very experienced Second Life resident (though my current avatar is relatively new) that I know some pretty great places to shop, because I make it a point to shop only at reputable, high-quality, fair-priced brands.  I don't buy things for 5L on the marketplace: they're probably scandalous in origin.  I earn the money I spend here, and I spend it on integrity-priced high-quality goods.  My look is Curio skin, preferably, and I wouldn't be me without it.  So, I'm posting fashion-blogger images today to deliberately call attention to the good art that makes me "me" and the good artists behind the scenes.  Without good art on the grid, we'd be a bunch of uggle-fuggles wandering chalk-drawing streets, duckwalky and herky-jerky gesturing.  And I don't put up with that in the real world, let alone in my ever-evolving fantasy world.  The fantasy would be just ruined!

Sometimes I wear Belleza skin, if the photography demands bolder eyes and blush.  The Asian features on both skins are so delicately and expertly handled.  Both brands showcase great artists.  I spend a lot of money in Second Life, and I like to know that I am spending money on not just great artists but also principled artists.  These artists (and other greats on the grid) are important to me:  Gala Phoenix, Tricky Boucher, Elika Tiramisu, and Cocoro Lemon, because their art is original and fun and sexy and good, good fantasy.   Here, then, is one of a dozen answers to the question of where I shop.  I would very much like to continue shopping at Gala Phoenix's Curio store, as would thousands of Second Life residents.  Gala's reputation in the world as an artist is formidable, a person of unique and special talent.

So, now, back to the idea of control.  I have been reading this excellent blog written by, clearly, a Master (and by "Master" I mean someone who has mastered the art of communication, someone experienced who can convey complicated ideas by breaking them down into digestible bits so that all the parts build upon each other and make perfect sense to people who are newly initiated, like me -- a Master whom I could look up to and learn from for a long time).  This blog treats ideas such as "control" and "self-esteem" and "the difference between submission and slavery" and "trust" and "goals" and "the bullcrap" (ha ha).  In other words, the man has taken great pains to a) empower the submissives and Doms who take the time to read; b) clear up a whole mess of misconceptions; c) make it perfectly clear that even though there are traditions in the lifestyle, ultimately how I live (and how You live, and how They live) will be a personal expression and fulfillment, not something prescribed and prefabricated.   And the idea of control weighs heavily upon me right now.  I know that when I submit, there will be limitations to the power that I surrender.  It won't be a total power exchange 24/7 -- it will not be slavery, in other words, consensual or otherwise.  There will be limits to what I am capable of offering (reluctant, but real).  And determining what, exactly, those limits are will be an excellent exercise that develops between me and my Future You.

What You will not control, I can say right now, is what I look like.  And I have the right to say so; and that simply means that, as we customize our fit together, You will be with me because You don't need to control my look and because I do not need someone to take control over my look.  I'm pretty good at dressing and grooming myself (in any world) and there is every reason to be confident in my ability to "show well" when we go about the grid having adventures.  Controlling HOW I submit is the idea, here.  The detail about how I dress and groom myself is incidental: the point is that there will be limitations on my submission, but they will be limitations that I place.  When I surrender control, it will not be appearance-based control that I beg from You.  I have that under control perfectly well and dandy.  When I surrender control, it will be emotion-control, sensation-control (things I'll delve into later, at long long length).  Bondage and restraint.  It is important to realize, especially for a new submissive, that HOW she submits and WHAT she submits, and to WHOM, and for HOW LONG, are conditions that she still controls as part of that safe, sane, consensual dynamic.  Submission isn't just "a thing," in other words: it is "a series of things."  When I submit, I submit often and regularly, little bits here and there, depending on the situation and timing.  I cede control over little things bit by bit and temporarily, while we get to know each other.  The Grand Whole Unifying Collared Submission happens when we have been together for a long time and we, together, have earned that blanket.  The blanket of submission!  The blanket that rests beside the throne of trust at the table of intimacy, under the balloons of faith and in the next room over from the hammock of aftercare.

One of the things that I want to call attention to as a key learning in the realm of control:   self-esteem.   I quote Dennis Nagjee:

When we discuss fear, it is crucial to remember that it can manifest itself in different ways.  ... Characteristics such as guilt, worry, anger, resentment and arrogance have their basis in fear. ...   The problem with fear is that, when experienced, it puts us instantly into a state where we are out of control. ... Those who are driven by fear do not feel like they are in control of anything. ...  They are not even handling their own emotions.  ...  A person with low self esteem is driven by fear. 

It means that I will be looking out for evidence of fear in the Dominants that I meet, as well as examining my own, and not making decisions based on fear to the extent that such is possible.  "All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing," isn't that the maxim?  I resent the control that a fearful, hateful person has placed over me, making me unable to patronize an artist whom I adore.  I look forward to when control is re-established in the proper hands and I can once again enjoy new and better work from Gala Phoenix.  I applaud those who have come out openly in support of a great artist: no fear.