First, it is empowering to realize that it is our own responsibility how we let other people treat us. [It is not our fault if someone abuses us! Not at all. Abuse is a whole other dynamic.]
In day to day living, we teach people how to treat us, and we teach them what we will accept and what we will reject. We do that even if we aren't aware we're doing it: and regardless of what we teach them, there are people in the world who will bulldoze right over established boundaries anyway (or, will try to!) without regard for your boundaries. Which is why you need to know what those boundaries are, and where the warning signs are posted, and when to sound the alarm. "Learn to say no," in other words. "Know what actions you need to take if your wishes aren't respected."
"Recognize that other people's needs and feelings are not more important than your own," is another good idea. When you start imagining a relationship in terms of "more important" and "less important" then there is an unhealthy dynamic at play. It is not about more or less, when there is love and trust to bind two people. Domination does not mean "more important." Submission does not mean "less important." There are people in the world who would tell you that you are obligated to do something because you are someone. Your submission obligates you. Your obedience obligates you. And the truth is, while submission means that you are inclined to serve and to obey rather than to give orders and dominate a situation, submission does not mean that you will obey blindly. Rather, submission simply means that, in the relationship between a dom and a sub, the dom sets the mood and the tone of the activity, and the sub reacts and responds to this setting. In a dance, one leads and one follows. Neither takes priority: both are required, and the dance is beautiful.
You are never obligated to act against your own conscience. You are never, as a submissive person, obligated to obey rules that insult your soul. You are never obligated as a human being to perform actions, feel guilty, subjugate your own self-esteem to benefit another's ego, debase yourself for someone else's gratification... you are never obligated to perform as a slave for the selfishness of another. Ever. (Of course, if you want to do those things, then of course the world wants you to get what you want!! But you are never obligated by virtue of your being submissively inclined.)
Domination does not mean "ownership." There are some subs and doms who speak in terms of ownership, but it is not an obligation by virtue of submission and domination. Ownership need never come into the relationship if you aren't comfortable with the word. For some, it's perfection. For others, it's overkill.
The idea of boundaries is a good idea to revisit from time to time. It is good to clarify words and meaning as they relate to one's own experience. One's own brain is the sole source of pleasure in this world, and it wants to know what's on the menu before selecting.
Also from the article, signals that there are boundary issues:
- you go against your values to please someone else
- you give as much as you can for the sake of giving
- you take as much as you can take from someone, for the sake of taking
- you let others define your personality, your rules, your acceptable limits
- you expect others to fulfill your needs automatically
- you feel anxious and guilty if you say "no" to a request
- you do not speak up when someone mistreats you
- you fall to pieces so that others will take care of you
- you fall in love with someone you barely know
- you fall in love with someone who reaches out to you for a conversation
- you accept someone's advances, touching, and sex when you do not want it
- you touch someone without asking first
These signals should send warnings that it is time to have a conversation. It may be that everything is alright. It may be that "it's just meant to be." And that's great! But have the conversation to make sure. That, right there, is a boundary worth enforcing.
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