Boundaries: Good Idea

Have we talked about boundaries lately?  I've just read something that demands sharing.  I'm sitting in my happy spot nicely bounded and feeling pretty secure at the moment, so now is a good time to revisit this idea of boundaries.

First, it is empowering to realize that it is our own responsibility how we let other people treat us.  [It is not our fault if someone abuses us!  Not at all.  Abuse is a whole other dynamic.] 

In day to day living, we teach people how to treat us, and we teach them what we will accept and what we will reject.  We do that even if we aren't aware we're doing it: and regardless of what we teach them, there are people in the world who will bulldoze right over established boundaries anyway (or, will try to!) without regard for your boundaries.  Which is why you need to know what those boundaries are, and where the warning signs are posted, and when to sound the alarm.  "Learn to say no," in other words.  "Know what actions you need to take if your wishes aren't respected."

"Recognize that other people's needs and feelings are not more important than your own," is another good idea.  When you start imagining a relationship in terms of "more important" and "less important" then there is an unhealthy dynamic at play.  It is not about more or less, when there is love and trust to bind two people.  Domination does not mean "more important."  Submission does not mean "less important."  There are people in the world who would tell you that you are obligated to do something because you are someone.  Your submission obligates you.  Your obedience obligates you.  And the truth is, while submission means that you are inclined to serve and to obey rather than to give orders and dominate a situation, submission does not mean that you will obey blindly.  Rather, submission simply means that, in the relationship between a dom and a sub, the dom sets the mood and the tone of the activity, and the sub reacts and responds to this setting.  In a dance, one leads and one follows.  Neither takes priority: both are required, and the dance is beautiful.

You are never obligated to act against your own conscience.   You are never, as a submissive person, obligated to obey rules that insult your soul.  You are never obligated as a human being to perform actions, feel guilty, subjugate your own self-esteem to benefit another's ego, debase yourself for someone else's gratification... you are never obligated to perform as a slave for the selfishness of another.  Ever.  (Of course, if you want to do those things, then of course the world wants you to get what you want!!  But you are never obligated by virtue of your being submissively inclined.)

Domination does not mean "ownership."  There are some subs and doms who speak in terms of ownership, but it is not an obligation by virtue of submission and domination.  Ownership need never come into the relationship if you aren't comfortable with the word.  For some, it's perfection.  For others, it's overkill.

The idea of boundaries is a good idea to revisit from time to time.  It is good to clarify words and meaning as they relate to one's own experience.  One's own brain is the sole source of pleasure in this world, and it wants to know what's on the menu before selecting.

Also from the article, signals that there are boundary issues:

- you go against your values to please someone else

- you give as much as you can for the sake of giving

- you take as much as you can take from someone, for the sake of taking

- you let others define your personality, your rules, your acceptable limits

- you expect others to fulfill your needs automatically

- you feel anxious and guilty if you say "no" to a request

- you do not speak up when someone mistreats you

- you fall to pieces so that others will take care of you

- you fall in love with someone you barely know

- you fall in love with someone who reaches out to you for a conversation

- you accept someone's advances, touching, and sex when you do not want it

- you touch someone without asking first

These signals should send warnings that it is time to have a conversation.  It may be that everything is alright.  It may be that "it's just meant to be."  And that's great!  But have the conversation to make sure.  That, right there, is a boundary worth enforcing.

The Dictionary, Page Six

Chastity is the next word in the dictionary.  The words of the dictionary I'm working on, incidentally, are found in the "page one" post, but here they are again:  intimacy, connection, submission, worship, chastity, adoration, service, creation, representation, rendering, capture, surrender, claiming, ritual, frame, solid, eternal, earthly, heavenly, sinfully, humility, revelation, giving, taking, ornamental, mastering, skillful, privacy, shield, ourselves, perfection. 

Chastity, for me, is easy.  It's not like it's any hardship and I'm making some huge sacrifice.  The only difficult part is actually saying the word "no," especially if I know it's going to hurt his feelings.  I have no trouble meaning it; and I have no trouble enforcing it.  But that first declaration of "Oh, my submission doesn't involve sex," is a doozy.  Men have, in the past, reacted negatively to my "no."  Sometimes they might try to convince me that I'll never get anywhere in this lifestyle if I don't offer my body.  Sometimes they might try to convince me that I'm topping from the bottom by refusing my body. (Note well:  both of those excuses are false!  Tricks!  Pay no attention!)

My great learning about chastity in this lifestyle:  you're allowed to have the kind of relationship that you want, no matter what anybody else says.  You're allowed!  The proudly-sexual women are happy with themselves and feel good about their choices.  The proudly-chaste women can feel just as good!  And the world keeps turning.  And the lifestyle keeps growing.

This is not new wisdom:  if he can't handle you saying "no" to him, then he's not worth saying "yes" to.  (Nevermind "yes, Sir.") This part of the dictionary is not for Tasdron: this part is for me, the part of the dictionary that represents my power and my thinking, my self-care and my self-love.  This is my personal applause for the power that I have held onto and for the faith I've kept during the time I've been on my own in this world.  I have done well, and I can be proud of my behaviour around men and women (and around the men of other women).

When I sit at my computer and begin my private time of submission for the day, and I begin reviewing what I have learned so far and where it is that I want to go, I think about all that I have to offer in this virtual communication and living. I give a beautiful kind of intimacy.  I give an intensity of care and concern, and I rush to turn wrong things into right things.  I rush to consider feelings. I hurry from my place of waiting to the place of action, of problem-solving.  Sometimes I dive in a little too far, and in my eagerness I might appear abrupt.  But my zeal and eagerness are undaunted until what is wrong is right again.  In short, I am a hell of a companion.  And my house is your house.  And if you have not eaten I will make you eggs and toast and tea.  And if you have not slept I will tell you a story and watch you doze off while I clean up after our meal together.  And while you sleep I will make sure the house is silent (and tidy) for you.  And while you dream in silence I will make sure there is something good to wake up to.  My work is chaste work, and it is hard work, and it is out of love and devotion that I do it.  I submit to this effort and to this kind of pleasing and to this kind of purity of intimacy.

When I think of submission as a picture, I don't think of a man binding my hands behind my back and forcing his cock into my mouth.  That is not submission: that's just kinky sex.

The Dictionary, Page Four

Submission is a timely topic (but isn't it always?) and this morning over coffee we wondered if perhaps submission had anything to do with turnips.  The taking of coffee together for the first time in years had clearly made us giddy.  We had been exchanging stories about what could possibly have been the nascent, beginning features of his dominant personality and my submissive personality.  Submission is a big deal to me and has been for the last several years; so much so that this past year I have undertaken a serious study of submission, bringing to bear the force and rigour of my mind as I would treat any other major idea in philosophy.  I have been well-rewarded for my efforts.  These conclusions I hold true, self-evident, and sacred:

1.  There is one person in all the world with whom I would never turn off the performance of my submission; and that person masters my submission truly.  Tasdron, time will not erase the good you have done for me.  No time, no place, no act can erase or negate the way in which you privilege our connection, and how you make me feel it.  There are good people in the world who do good deeds and who give regularly, and I am blessed to know them.  And, Tasdron, your goodness speaks to me like a soul-mate.

2.  The performance of my submission is the most natural, pleasing, fulfilling performance of my life.  To seek ways in which to perfect it for you; to seek ways in which to clarify it for you; to seek ways in which to demonstrate it before you; these are tasks I set myself.  And, any task that you lay upon me to fulfill, I believe such tasks achieve the same thing.  They are opportunities for me to love you.

3.  I understand, now, the meaning behind the picture that I love.  The blindfolded girl, and she smiles, and she kneels with hands in chalice-position, and she waits by an empty chair.  I understand the assignment that I was called to write about her, by my mentor.  I understand why I was compelled to send you that assignment, even though we had not spoken for a long time.  And I understand that, whether or not we can articulate such things, the truth of it rattled around inside us, continuing the journey for us even though we were (for a little while) focused elsewhere.  When I submitted to you years ago, I never stopped, even though we did not know how real we were at the time.  It was fun to play!  And it is also fun to do it for real.

4.  There is no cruelty in your domination; there is no weakness in my submission.  There is no weakness in your domination; there is no cruelty in my submission.  Tasdron, we have so much in common.  Where is the difference between us?  In the songs we sing to each other when the world is too much with us.  Your mastery; my submission; we understand each other.

5.  Submission does, very likely, come from turnips.  I am what I eat, after all.

Forgiveness and Ritual

I've explored how confession is one part of forgiveness.  I've explored how speaking some deeply, darkly buried truths is another part of forgiveness.  Also, there is a third part to the forgiving that comes from the safety and the sanctity of ritual.  To carve out a space sacred to one thing.  To wait until the right time.  To take the right amount of time and focus, dedicate to one task.  To confine oneself to one purpose and shut out the chattering noise of doubt and fear and anxiety.  To retreat from everything, just for a little while, and explore this sacred space made special because of the love that built the walls to keep love in and keep fear out.  In this space, during this time, focused and intent upon a single point, it is possible (if one is in the company of a true Master) to see into the darkness and to understand what cannot otherwise be understood.  I love to believe that people are capable of achieving monumental acts of courage in a relationship, and in fact that such is what relationships are for.  To be stronger together than the sum-potential of two separate souls.  People can help other people to forgive in a ritual space.  A Master is the architect of this ritual space and the navigator of these terrible waters, terrible only at sunset but not at the sunrise.  When I imagine an ideal relationship between a Master and his submissive, this is what I imagine it to be -- this sum potential of two souls, these willing architects whose pillars elevate each other to new seeing.

Proud of Submission

What submission means to me.  I feel proud that I submit my power, sometimes, to a man I love.  When it is good to do so.  When it is time to do so.  Sometimes, because I am submissive, I notice that he is not in the mood to take control.  I watch and I pay attention.  And in those times, I take control, not because I want to, but because it is part of my submission.  I make decisions I would feel more comfortable that he makes.  But he wants them made for him, sometimes.

What submission means to me.  I feel proud that I am observant and watchful.  I feel proud that I pay attention to details.  I feel proud that I observe and keep my eyes wide open (not dulled with drink, not dulled with smoke, not dulled with medications that I do not require, not dulled with over-sated appetites).  I feel proud that, because my eyes are wide open, I can anticipate.  I can predict.  I can have patience sometimes when I might not have had patience, otherwise.

What submission means to me.  It feels as though I wear it openly like a system of restraints, obvious to anybody.  It feels like clothing to me.  It feels like a zipper I cannot reach behind me that someone else zips and unzips for me.  It feels like a thick, chunky, heavy-metal collar with no seam and no clasp: as though it was born there, on me, reminding me constantly who I am.

What submission means to me.  I am part of a club that teaches me, like I teach them, how great it is to feel like our true selves.  Our true selves.  My true self.  I look at other submissives through my camera lens, studying their beauty and self-declaration.  I study their presentation, their decisions about how the world will see them.  I look at them, and I rejoice.  I look at myself, and I rejoice.  We are, truly, our own selves.  (Thanks, E, for letting me take so many pictures of you.  I know your time is precious.)

What submission means to me.  I am not a sexual object.  I am not a tool.  I am not a doormat.  I am not stupid.  I am not gullible (because of my submission).  I am not a slave.  I do not surrender all my power at all times to all people.  I do not accept violence.  I do not accept abuse.  I do not accept other people's anger about not submitting myself to them.  I have never been obligated to.

What submission means to me.  I give a part of myself to one man that I do not give to anybody else -- not a boss, not a police officer, not a judge, not another man, not any woman, not in pretend or in fantasy.  I give a part of myself to one man with which he could do anything he wants, and I give it to him as a surrendered offering, because I would not be me if I did not give this to him.  When I deal with police and judges and bosses, I do not submit to them, and they do not dominate me.  I do what I do because I want to do it.  There is only one king of the castle for me!

Mastering the Light

Once upon a time, I wandered into the darkness, seeking.  Then, things happened.  Then, I learned something.  Now, I come out of the darkness and back into the light, having learned something.  I breathe the fresh air, and I look around at the blue sky.

I'm not finished my learning; not at all.

I'm looking from a different angle, though.  I thought it was darkness that compelled me through the woods.  I realize now, though, that things have changed and I am better able to articulate what I need -- and articulate to the proper people.  It's not darkness I need: it's mastery of the light.

Just like in photography: the trick to a good photo is the use of light.  The trick to an interesting subject, one that compels us to look and understand, is the story.  What is she doing, where has she come from, and where is she going?  The present, the past, and the future of a story.  Only connect.

And as such, as I begin my mastery of the light, I celebrate one very important revelation.  It's a thread that has spun round me for a few months now and finally terminates in a pretty bow laced to my frilly blouse-collar:  are you sure what you're looking for is a D/s dynamic, he had asked?  It's an honest question.  The question arose because I was resistant to many things one traditionally associates with BDSM, namely the wide array of kinks on offer.  They simply do not turn me on.  Are you sure, came the question.  Of course! was my reply.  But that thread still hung loosely, nagging me.

And then it occurred to me.  Eureka! I do not need kinks to enjoy submission.  I may, actually, enjoy submission for the sake of submission.  It may very well be that I simply enjoy submission; the power exchange; without necessarily needing to bring a chicken, a crop, a deck of cards, and a blindfold into the room at the same time.  (Note well:  I am not only kink-tolerant, I am kink-encouraging!  I think people should have fun and do what they love to do.  I do not disparage "kink."  I simply think that kink is for others.  Or, well.  Usually.)

People may enjoy the delights of kink even in a non-D/s dynamic.  One does not have to be submissive to enjoy the unique sensation of a drop of wax on one's inner wrist.  One does not have to be submissive to enjoy the feeling of clamps, stamps, needles or blades, pins, fins, broomsticks and spades.  One may enjoy these things all on one's own, or with a friend, or with a lover, with an equal, or with a stranger... there are many ways one may enjoy a kink without actually submitting to an exchange of power in the process.

Plain and simple: I am not a kinky submissive.  There are times (naturally) when fantasies arise and these fantasies do not resemble my daily routine in the least.  (I do not live in a Chateau or own a posture collar in my real world; and so these things are delicious in fantasy play.)  But I have discovered that these fantasies arise less and less frequently as I engage more and more fully with my present.  My every-day.  My heart and soul and hearth.  The LIGHT in my life.  As I begin to embrace what is lightness in my world, the darkness recedes into the distance.  It may not be such a difficult transition into the real world, after all.

Topping from the Bottom

"TFB" or Topping from the Bottom is a phenomenon that is as misunderstood as any other part of a dominance and submission relationship, if one is new to the scene and learning from under-informed people.  I read something today, though, that has explained the idea to me brilliantly.  My excellent mentor has given a notecard to me something to read called "A Dominant's Promise" and it is all about D/s communication.  And after reading this notecard, I see very clearly how mature, shameless communication forms the architecture of the ideal dominant and submissive union.  The perfect union is possible; but not without sharing your dreams and needs openly and honestly.

In the mildest form, topping from the bottom (or, when a submissive tries to control a dominant) is a result of improper manners and improper communication.  And, manners are easily corrected.  If the submissive respects the dominant, and if the dominant respects the submissive, the correction will hold. If there is no respect, though, there's a bigger problem to deal with.

In worse forms, topping from the bottom is a deliberate and calculated manipulation of the dominant.   "I will not do that for you, and if you ask me to do it again, I will leave you."  This is something the immature personality declares.  It is the submissive equivalent of the dominant's, "If you don't obey me, you are a terrible submissive."  Topping from the bottom at its worst is just plain old bullying.  The brat who bullies to get her way does not need further indulgence: she is a bad nut and should be thrown in the trash like Veruca Salt.

The best part about this particular notecard, though, is its incredible maturity of thought.  It takes sophistication to understand this concept, and we must never take for granted that everybody CAN understand it, because not everybody has achieved the same level of maturity.  Here is the concept:

Sometimes, for some people, it is a fun fantasy to behave like a brat and to be punished for being a brat.  In fantasy.  Just like, sometimes, for some people, it is a fun fantasy to pretend to be in the Story of O and to be forced into doing things that we wouldn't normally.  In fantasy.  And so in order to accommodate those fantasies, a D/s couple talks about them.  Asks for them honestly, openly, without shame.  Figures out a way to do it so that it can be done, and so that both parties understand the difference between fantasy and reality.  Mature communication can achieve this.  Selfish demands and petulant pouting cannot.  "You should have known," doesn't solve anything.  Nobody is a mind-reader.  Maturity asks for what it wants, clearly and specifically, and then enjoys getting it.  Immaturity rants and froths and foams and, ultimately, fails.

Everybody's Version of Paga Servin'

I'm dreaming of water.  I would really like to be wandering through a shallow stream right now.  Instead, the guru that I follow has put me in secluded shackles for three days, but that is another story.  So here I sit, far from prying eyes, way up high in the sky.  People come and go down below, while I sit here, and so I open up their profiles and I read.  And I get to see (sometimes) how they prefer things, how they do things.  I get to see "other."

One profile in particular struck me as interesting, and it involves the negotiation process in surrendering oneself to a man's collar.  He says in his profile that the submissive's consent happens when she puts the collar on, and then anything thereafter is taken for granted.  There is no need to negotiate or consent after that:  once the collar is on, the man's word goes, full stop.  And his profile was very lucid and common-sense up until that point.  Obviously he is a man who knows what he is looking for, and what he is looking for is a slave.  More specifically, a slave who is content to abandon all her rights with that one word of consent.

Another profile in particular struck me as interesting: a woman who says, quite clearly, that the negotiation process is ongoing for the entire duration of the relationship with her ideal man.  Her ideal man is submissive (and not stupid); her ideal man can think for himself but chooses to let her make all the important decisions, and in fact begs her to make all the important decisions; her ideal man enjoys her sense of humour and her sense of sadism; and her ideal man will not crumble if she does not log in for 2 days, because they always know when they will meet next.  She didn't call him a slave; and the man's profile above did not call his "ideal" submissive a slave either; but I wonder now at the word "submissive" in this lifestyle.  It is not a word anybody can take for granted.

People can't take for granted that "their way" is THE way.  There is no such thing as THE way to dominate, or THE way to submit, anyway.  There is simply the way we want when it comes to relationships -- and finding someone who wants the same thing that you do.  D/s is a very specialized architecture for relations between people: and, as one person said in a discussion recently, D/s is a power exchange, not a hostile takeover.  In other words, both partners get something out of it.  That guy who believes that consent comes with wearing the collar and there's no more need for negotiation?  He can probably find someone to buy in to those conditions, sure -- but that's not everybody's idea of submission.  The lady who wants the man to beg for all important decisions to be made by her but who can still retain a measure of his own independence?  She'll find what she's looking for, too, no doubt; but that's not everybody's idea of submission.  Neither one practices "the right way" to do things.  In the D/s world (like in the mainstream, vanilla, everyday world) if you don't beg, you don't get.

Truth

 Mistress Steel's collection of learnings  was my first "how to" manual of BDSM and the D/s lifestyle.  I have read and re-read the articles herein.  Each time, I am refreshed.  What strikes me this time is truth.  In the "24/7" article, she writes:  "It becomes crucial to say clearly exactly what you mean and to listen carefully to hear exactly what your partner says to you.  We have often been taught to try to say what we believe other people wish to hear instead of the truth.  Truth alone can be blunt and unkind, but it is the edge of the blade that does far less damage than a blade that is blunted by false veneers.  Honesty is essential.  Hiding or masking anything will quickly lead into a morass of problems and, most often, the severing of the relationship's potential."

Lately, I have been tasked with writing down my thoughts during scheduled moments of meditation so that we can discuss them later.  I remember the first time I thought I had bad news to deliver: I had meditated on limits and I was about to impose them.  I was not sure how that would be received, and I could feel the anxiety rise.  How do you deliver unpopular news to someone you respect?  How do you tell someone whom you value that you are about to place limitations on the relationship?

Personally, I believe in the Mistress Steel philosophy:  the cutting blow of truth hurts, but it doesn't hurt as much as repeated blows from a blunt object that didn't do the job right the first time, or the second, or the third.  A clean break is a mercy.  A person can work with a clean, clearly-stated truth; people are strong (regardless of how they might protest to the contrary).  Speaking for myself, I would rather hear a clean, clearly-stated truth (i.e. "It's not working out, but we gave it a good try.  Let's end this thing.") than to be left in the dark, second-guessing myself, wondering when and if and how and whether... Speak, say it, define it, bind it, and let go.  Truth is a necessary condition of maturity.  I suppose that I take it for granted that a dominant personality will speak truth to me -- will, at the very least, be able to deliver unpopular news to me with a clean blow so that I can deal with it.  If a dominant personality cannot deliver unpopular news with the same conviction as good news, then it warrants examination.  Even doms have limits and the right to assert them.  As a submissive personality, I look to them -- to one especially -- to give it to me straight and clean.

I relate the ability to tell the truth to the ability to define limits and boundaries.  The ability to say 'Stop!' when it is time.  The ability to assert, "This far, and no further."  The ability to say, "I think I have made a mistake, can you help me?"  The ability to say, "I have needs, and you cannot meet them if you continue this way."  The ability to say, "I thought I was going to like this, and now I realize I do not."  The ability to say, "Damn, that was harder than I thought it was going to be."  Speaking truth to power is not easy, sometimes, but how else are we going to enjoy our lives if we cannot speak truth to power?  How else are we going to live in a world of conflicting needs and competing desires without the ability to say, "Enough; now it is time for my needs."  Of course, a person needs a nice safe place to be able to speak the truth and have it heard as truth, and have it analyzed and discussed as human beings.  A person needs a safe place, lots of patience, great understanding, and a curious spirit engaged in getting to the source of things... yes yes.  These things I also take for granted.  A person must want to live with truth, for starters.  And that is another reason why I am so blessed with the people I know and love.

Jealousy, Part Five

Once, during a discussion about jealousy (one of many hundreds I have had since being given the assignment to explore it and figure it out) Klaudia said to me that she felt a good kind of jealousy, a sweet tingle in her tummy, when she thought about her Master.  I was new to this idea, so naturally I kept my distance: "what do you mean there is a good side to jealousy?" I asked myself, loudly.  I thought the whole point of this exercise was to exorcise.  That jealousy is a demonic invasion plague infestation infection thing.  Akin to the zombiepocalypse.  It goes right for the brains and then leaves you for dead, or that is how I thought about it.  "It is like a predator," I came to understand.  "It is like a bully," was also a familiar refrain.  "It compromises safety and sanity, and therefore consent and submission," is my own conclusion.  "It makes my tummy tingle," says Klaudia, and that just turned everything upside down.

I tried very hard to think of a way to make jealousy come from a place of love.  Jealousy gets a bad rap, naturally, and it's difficult to reverse that trend.  But I realized, as I examined an older picture of my mentor that was still in its raw state, and as I imagined all the things that I would do to digitally manipulate and enhance and "make different" and "make new" this picture of my Genny, that I had said to myself, "My Genny."  And I thought, after that, "My Genny, who looks like only I can make her look, when I take her picture."  And then I realized, "Only I see this Genny, my Genny."   When I take the picture and when I show it on display, sure, other people can observe "My Genny" but... only I saw her.  Only I captured her, treated her, polished her, and made her shine like only My Genny can.  And when I look through that lens to shoot My Genny, I do so out of love.  It's a jealousy that comes from Love.  My mentor inspires this.  And Klaudia's tummy-tingles confirm this: it is possible to feel a GOOD kind of jealousy.  The kind that says, "Nobody else can do this for you like I can, you wonderful person whom I love and will never harm."    (And incidentally, I'm not showing the My Genny picture here, because she's mine.  Sorry.)  

Safe, Sane, Consensual

Safe.  A white room, well - lit.  A soft floor.  The security of my bindings, and the freedom to move around, testing the environment.  How does it feel to walk like this.  How does it feel to breathe this new air.  How does it feel with my body vulnerable to You.  How does it feel to trust You.  Will you listen to my limits?  Will you say, out loud, that You protect my limits?  Will you say, out loud, that You will do nothing to tease me about having limits?  You will do nothing to push my limits, because my limits are there to prevent pushing?  There is a whole, big, beautiful room to explore; there is no need to see what is behind the door.  The door is shut for a reason: and that reason is mine.  I feel safe in this room.  I feel safe with my limits, and with how well You respect my limits, and love my limits, because they are part of me.

Sane.  Nice, straight lines.  Regimented, regular schedule.  Proper proportion, moderation, and balance.  The horizon is a straight line, and everything flows from the line that extends into forever.  Private time to meditate and contemplate: to process what I have learned, and to turn back towards You and smile, understanding.  You have shown me.  My future You, my present me loves You for the nice, straight lines, regimented and regular schedule, and Your moderation and balance.  We do nothing that we have not talked about.  We do nothing that You cannot control.  Everything that we do is a measure of Your control.  Everything that we do is evidence of Your mastery of self, and mastery of me.

Consensual Consent.  I bear my burden willingly.  The chains about my neck are light.  The bindings at my feet are anchors, not weights.  You take from me what I would willingly give: You take from me all that I have, and curiously it simply fills me with more.  The Private Garden where You tend is full of me.  The vessel of secrets is capped until You open it and find me, a pool of wanting, rippling therein.  I am so easy to decipher, for You.  I am, for others, hieroglyphs without the guiding stone; monuments without meaning.  The brambles and the thorns, the teeth and the rats' nests, the Medusa head and the stone statues of men that line the garden path... I wander past souls of the troubled, and I try to keep my heart intact.  When there is only You.  Only ever was.  Only ever will be.  When I finally find You, it will be a moment of awakening, and then I will cry out YES  once more, and these dreams will be forgotten.

I want to take you for granted

I sat back today and considered a few things.  There are words that we speak but people do not understand them.  Or, people put their own spin on them.  Or, people mis-hear them.  Or, people forget that we spoke them.  Or a hundred other ways that people may mis-communicate.  And it occurs to me that a solid relationship is not just about finding someone whose interests match, whose temper matches, whose sense of humour (or sense of the macabre!) matches.  It's also about finding someone who communicates in the same way -- and who understands communication in the same way.  I think about all the different ways a person can understand the term, "to take for granted" and I shudder at all the different ways such a phrase can turn sour.  "To take as granted," or "to feel as though it is simply granted, no waiting, no request," or "to take without asking," or "to assume based on a history of past decisions."  When I think about You, I imagine the sentence as the latter definition.  A history of past decisions, of past consistencies, of past agreements, of past affirmations, of past pleasures, of past anticipations, that history between us makes me take You for granted.  Makes You able to take me for granted.  Willingly.

Something in other news, related only by language:
I read today some passages about erotic humiliation.  No reason; I simply wished to see how the other half lives, I suppose.  It amused me to see, "Require permission to do anything" as listed in the erotic humiliation category.  And then I had to sit back and start considering a few things, which spawned this post.  "Derogatory words like slut and whore" and "use as a piece of furniture" are erotic humiliation just as is "requiring permission to do anything."  Then it exploded like a giant, fiery dawn at the break of day:  so many of the online BDSM attitudes in Second Life involve the erotic humiliation of submissives, whether they wish it or not.  Even beyond BDSM, the Gorean enslavement of women online is predicated upon this theory (i.e a Gorean slave is trained to ask permission for every minute thing, feel comfortable wearing the title "slut" and feel comfortable serving as furniture without the respect due humans-- a sexy enough fantasy with the right practitioners).  No wonder there is such confusion and lack of clarity in the world: people take it for granted that this one way is the established way, never question it or interrogate it or challenge it (because it goes against erotic humiliation for a submissive to exercise a challenge function) and the online community of BDSM continues to be full of libraries that propagate erotic humiliation of submissives -- whether the submissive wants it or not.  It was quite a eureka, this idea of what we take for granted.  What we want to take for granted.  What we do take for granted without even realizing it.  I'm not sure I need to ask permission for every single thing.  And, I'm not sure I need humiliating words like "slut" and "whore" to feel stimulated into arousal.  That's just me, though.  The "place him or her in a cage" part of erotic humiliation most definitely has a place in my vocabulary, under the right circumstances.  And, well, "naked in public" feeds more than a simple desire for display that I am, apparently, cultivating.

Demystifying Submission

I never get tired of consulting A Master's Viewpoint by Mr Najee.  Today's point of interest: the process of submission.  At a discussion not so long ago, I listened with interest as a lady posed a question to the Domme who was speaking.  "At what point," she asked, "is it a good idea for me to agree to wear someone's collar?"   This, incidentally, is why I haven't ventured into facilitating discussions of my own... How on earth does a person begin to approach a question like that?   I would have asked more questions until the core question framed itself (or until I beat it into a shape that could be considered meaningfully!), but that might have taken hours.  I'm still not sure what question the journeyer was asking.  "How will I know if he really loves me?"  or, "I'm not sure if I'm submissive, so when is it okay to wear a collar to try to find out?"  or, "Is there a set time, in your fantasy world that I'd like to play in, for people to agree to court before broaching the subject of collars?"  or, "I know that I'm submissive; I am simply not sure if he's dominant. Should I still go through with this?  Is there a safe way out?"   My busy mind hears so many questions embedded in that one vague question, and I'm really not sure which is being asked.  (I was not privy to the answer, either, so I cannot comment further.)

This post talks about what it's like when submission meets its proper domination, and vice versa.  "Finally," Mr. Najee writes, "the couple gets to the point where they decide they are going to be together.  I find that the submission process happens naturally.  There is no one moment in time when she offers it and he accepts it.  Instead, it is something that they move toward on a daily basis (with the occasional moving away from when pitfalls are encountered).  The people involved in the relationship, due to their communication, know what is happening."   For the most part, I dig that passage.  Especially how the submission process happens naturally.  The whole article explains what even vanilla relationships undergo in the process of development and intensifying.  Two people talk a lot.  Two people get to know each other.  Whether or not they have a submissive or a dominant character, their own personalities must mesh first and foremost.   (A submissive won't submit to just any dom.  A dominant won't accept the submission of every single sub that kneels at his feet.  It's impossible.  We have to gel.  We have to fit.  It's not a contest, nor a competition... it's just meeting someone you want to be with, in the quirky kind of structure that you dream of inhabiting, and finding that person wants the same thing.)  When we fit, when we gel, when we have talked so much that we know we just need to keep talking, and keep touching, and keep working for the other, it's a foregone conclusion that the relationship will continue on the forward trajectory.  Submission and domination have happened already because nature wanted it so.

"The answer is to interact like a human being," says our Mr Najee.  It's as if he had heard the question!  But seriously... now that I think about it, that's a good answer to many questions.  "How will I know that he really loves me?"  The answer is to interact like a human being.  "How will I know that my submission is what he's looking for?"  The answer is to interact like a human being.  "How will I know that when I reach out, he will reach for me also?"  The answer is to interact like a human being.  "How will I know that it's alright to trust this person, that he won't try to abuse me or take advantage of me?"  The answer is to interact like a human being.  "How will I know that he is competent enough to dominate me?"  The answer is to interact like a human being.  "How will I know that he has the self-esteem I expect in a dom?"  The answer is to interact like a human being.  "What happens when I am overcome with need and it feels like my need will overpower everything and everybody?"  The answer is to interact like a human being.

Self-Esteem from Self-Control

Why spend so much time exploring self-esteem?  I wish the answer to that question were not so obvious in my own experiences with people.  Anyway, the more I read about "The Master's Viewpoint" by Dennis Najee, the more I realize how much really depends upon self-esteem.  A healthy relationship depends upon it.  A healthy self-image depends upon it.  A healthy outlook on life depends upon it.  Personal expectations of how people treat us in the world depend upon it.  And, of course, relevant to the D/s community, a healthy experience at play or in communication depends upon it.  "No man is in a position of dominance if he cannot control himself," says Mr. Najee, and with that I wholly agree.  And, by controlling himself, it means what he eats; how much he eats; what he does for exercise; how much he exercises; whether he is in control over his emotions during periods of stress; whether he is in touch with his emotions during periods of affection; whether he abuses narcotics; whether he over-indulges in intoxicants; and whether he thinks that it is safe to interact with other people when he is drunk with control-sapping stimulants.  "Lack of control on the part of the dominant is a sign of weakness."   I have trusted people, inching as I did towards more and more control surrendered to them, only to have them lose control entirely one way or another.  They stopped listening to me, to the word "no".  They stopped speaking sanely.  They stopped being trustworthy.  When someone I trust loses personal control, I no longer trust.  Is a submissive supposed to negotiate in good faith with that person?  A submissive who, in good faith, does take care of her mind and body; who does make sure she adheres to codes of respect for her own body as well as the bodies of others; whose mindset is about bringing beauty, not fear.  Christian Grey, in Fifty Shades of Grey, has it right:  he has dominated his life so that things are under control.  His finances are healthy; his food is healthy; his exercise is healthy; he drinks wine from time to time; he even strives for healthier energy sources globally, that's how healthy he wants things to be.  He strives.  (Love the book or hate the book, Christian's outward character is formidable, and it is one viable basis upon which to grow a relationship.)

When one masters self-control, one feels pretty good about oneself.  Self-mastery  turns us into worthy partners in play; worthy partners in fantasy; worthy partners in exploration and mutual gratification.  It means I can trust the man You say You are.  It means I can feel good about surrendering control.  (And otherwise it ain't happening.)  It means Joe Dominant's domination is effective, not hypocritical and weak.  It means Cutie Submissive's submission is real, not a nymphomaniacal collar-hop perpetually seeking the honey-moon.  Words I will adhere to as I have done throughout this whole learning process:  "The BDSM lifestyle," writes Mr. Najee,  "is one where you are free to choose what you desire.  All avenues are open to you.  The key is to make the proper choices for what fits your needs.  Implant the image of what you want in your head and work towards bringing it into reality.  There is no reason why you cannot do this.  However, before focusing outward, take a look at yourself."

Self-Esteem from Clarity

I enjoy meditating upon the idea of clarity.  I clarify things that I say almost to the point of redundancy.  I know it annoys some; and others find it charming.  But I have been trained to say what I mean as part of my personal make-up and professional discipline.  It occurs to me lately that self-esteem is directly linked to one's ability to articulate one's universe.  If I can say precisely how I feel at any particular time, I can experience my own sense of worth.  Many factors influence "whether I can say precisely how I feel".   Who I'm speaking with; what I have to say; how important someone else believes it to be; how important I believe it to be; how difficult it is to say what I feel; how hurt someone else might be to hear it; how happy someone else might be to hear it.  So many variables.  "Courage of conviction," and "speaking truth to power," as well as "le mot juste" all travel with this idea.  The most important variable, I think, might be the ability to "know thyself."
Sometimes I hear people say, "I feel weird," when asked how they feel about something.  Weird isn't a feeling, really, so that is an inadequate statement to make about something so personal.  One's feelings are sacred: it increases self-esteem to be able to articulate them properly.  "I feel afraid," is a big, big deal to be able to say.  "I feel happy," equally important.  The most difficult of all, of course, is "I feel angry and it is because of this very specific reason."

It all rests, naturally, upon one's ability to be able to feel entitled to these feelings.  I think it's fair to say that feelings are fairly genuine: they come unbidden, they are irrational, they don't listen to reason when they first surface, they are the opposite and equal reaction to that which happens in the world.  Like it or not, feelings are an important barometer.   Sure, they are controllable, deniable, push-away-able if one tries very hard.  But the fact that they arise in the first place is a good indication of something to examine.  Even later, if it's easier with time.  I remember the first time I realized that I felt like I wasn't playing enough, playful enough, enjoying enough.  I felt incomplete, and I felt aroused in a way that could not be satisfied.  It made me feel anxious.  It made me feel even a little angry, which I could not justify at the time.  I had vague, unspecified yearnings, a very tiny inkling of what it would be that might soothe my imagination and buff the rough edges from my appetite.  Eventually the picture in my mind came into sharp focus after I was introduced to Shibari in Second Life.  It was a gorgeous fantasy.  It coloured every vague corner of my imagination and brought new life to my fantasy world.  It brought clarity to my thinking and to my feeling.  (I am perfectly convinced that it was the Master at the time, as much as the ropes, who is responsible for that extremely good reaction in me.  I have never tried it since, terrified of the results that might arise from someone less than him.)  Bondage done right gives me a fine-point perspective and perfect clarity.  Because of that fine point clarity, because of those emotions named and controlled by their naming, I feel free.........