"In one way or another I've always suffered. I didn't know why exactly. But I do know that I'm not so scared of suffering now. I feel more than I've ever felt and I've found someone to feel with. To play with. To love in a way that feels right for me. I hope he knows that I can see that he suffers too. And that I want to love him," says Lee, the female lead, in the movie The Secretary.
There is a lot jam-packed into this quotation. What resonates most strongly for me is, "in a way that feels right for me," which is the key to any successful relationship. "In a way that feels right for me" implies that there are no two tastes identical. There are no two "methods" identical. There are no two "needs" identical. There are no two minds identical. Styles. Cravings for adventure. Ways of handling problems. Certainly even in the mind of one person, a fantasy may change from day to day. It's allowed to, because it is "in a way that feels right for me".
Frequently in the movie, we see Mr. Grey tending to flowers. I saw the title of "Gardener" over Sir RB on one excursion throughout the vast landscape of D/s relationship in Second Life, and I now understand the symbolism with clarity. The Dominant focuses upon the sub in such a way as to gradually bring about her blossoming. There is dirty work associated with this task: rutting through the earth, handling the worms, and wiping off the mud all symbolic variants of cleansing the mind of emotional barriers and establishing boundaries that work for both people, not to mention mending previous wounds that have held back the soul from being its proper self. There is, too, pleasant work associated with this task: experimenting, planting, and enjoying the view and fragrance of the resulting blossom.
The Dominant in the movie has hired, fired, and divorced several women before he meets Lee. The quotation above represents Lee's "submission" to him: and it only takes one time to meet that person who is "right for me". There will be many mistakes before then, people who are "not right for me". The Dominant in the movie, too, is not perfect: Lee's submission makes him understand, however, that it is not perfection that is required of a Dominant. "I hope he knows that I can see that he suffers too," she says, meaning that he is human and he, too, has needs which she endeavours to meet in her love for him. The rest simply makes sense: Mr Grey should love Lee as much as he does; should let Lee love him in return; and should enjoy the blossoming of their quirky, private, playful and intensely personal ways with each other.
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