Intimacy Part Two

Aftercare is the idea for this post, because it relates especially to intimacy and also to needs, both of which are on my mind lately.

I'd like to quote from a fairly good explication here at Steel Door:  "When we 'expose' ourselves to another human being, there is an expressed obligation by both people to refrain from injury or damage; to offer solace, nurturing and care until that sense of exposure recedes.  We call this period of time 'aftercare'. "   I was talking with Sir Tony this morning about the need for aftercare: he posed the question as to whether it was only the prerogative of the submissive to expect aftercare and whether it was required only after having achieved subspace.  My answer, on the spot, was that aftercare should be considered (in my opinion) a common human right, fundamental to the lifestyle even; a direct consequence of exposing ourselves to another human being.  But of course, I am woman and believe in foreplay, so why would I not put a similar weight on the afters?  I believe in the responsibility of both partners (or all partners) to make sure each person is in the right "space" whether Dominant or submissive.  It is plain human decency, is it not?

Why the emphasis on aftercare?  Say, for example, in one hypothetical situation, two people are involved in a D/s scene and then, suddenly, long-hidden memories and associations that used to be kept under-wraps now unexpectedly bubble up to the surface, unchecked.  Why?  Because they used to rest behind secure walls kept strong with a regular supply of mental energy.  When the mind's energy is diverted in a BDSM scene, that energy goes elsewhere... and the walls come down, and the memories come flooding back in.  What is the result of that? Increased exposure, increased vulnerability, increased doses of powerful emotion, more intense than expected or predicted in some cases.  So what?  So, aftercare becomes really, really, really important.  For whom?  For the submissive who is focused on the physical endurance of the scene.  For anybody else?  Yes; for the Dominant also, who might (you never know!) be pushing his or her own boundaries in the heat of the moment.  Really?  The Dom might need some aftercare too?  Yes, for the reasons listed in the article (read it!!):  anybody exposed to another human being deserves nurturing, afterwards, until feelings of exposure recede.  However long that takes.  This paragraph is a paraphrase of that article, by the way.  If you read the article, you'll see that.  This paragraph does not have anything to do with any experience I have had in real life: it's an example condensed for readability from the Steel Door article.

Intimacy is the moment of pure exposure.  Intimacy is the intersection of vulnerability and protection.  Intimacy is the point on the grid where magic happens.  And then, suddenly, intimacy is pure connection.  What happens if, suddenly, intimacy is taken away?   Where does all that mental energy go, now?  Where do you put all the love?  Who will hear it?  Who can feel it?

Aftercare, intimacy, and needs are on my mind lately, as I said at the beginning of this post.  They are on my mind first because of the mentoring that I am involved with (and I have a great mentor, as I've said before); they are on my mind because I have experienced poor (read: nonexistent) aftercare in the past; and I have been exploring the meaning of intimacy and what that means for need and for aftercare especially, lately.  These are important questions.  When people ignore these important ideas in loving relationships, it's hard to see where the breakdown occurs; and that makes it hard to take the first step towards repairing it.